Ask Dan and Jennifer » Break Up & Divorce

Recovering From A Long-Term Relationship Breakup

Michael Freeman — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 00:00:14 +0000

Ending a long-term relationship can feel traumatic. You may encounter some emotional hurdles before you can relax and enjoy the single life.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, even if it didn’t end well, you’ll probably experience a sense of loss. Loss of companionship, intimacy, routines, rituals, and shared pleasures. Suddenly you have more time than you know what to do with. There’s no one to talk to about the ordinary day-to-day concerns, and you have to start inventing things to do on a Saturday night.

Remember Why You’re Separating

The emotional intimacy is something you can’t immediately replace. If you initiated the break up, you may start to have a creeping sense of regret as the benefits of companionship come to light. If it was your partner who initiated it, you may feel a sting of painful emotion whenever you’re reminded of things you’ll miss.

While you’re in that period of adjustment, you need to come up with ways to see this as a positive time in your life. Don’t wallow in thoughts of what you miss; concentrate instead on all the things about the relationship that led you to leave.

Even if your partner initiated the break up, you should realize that it’s for the best: You deserve someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you. And regardless of whether you wanted a separation, there’s a good chance that your relationship was strained in the end – you probably feel as if a burden has lifted. Try to fixate more on that feeling of freedom that any sense of loss.

A New Beginning

It’s important to look at the emptiness of the post-break weeks and months as the germination period for a brand new beginning. You’re free to explore the social world and seek some of the things you missed in the relationship.

The time after a break up of a long relationship is the chance to investigate who you are as an individual, what you love, and how you enjoy spending your time. In as many ways as you can, surround yourself with things that give you pleasure and people who share your passions.

It’s also important that you spend time with yourself during the post-break-up time, and not rush desperately into finding a replacement. Rebound relationships rarely work (unless they’ve been simmering for a long time already) because they are undertaken to fill a void.

Whether you’re open to a new sexual relationship may depend on how vulnerable and emotionally stable you feel (as well as whether you prefer to save sex for a committed relationship). But if you’re seeking a substantial relationship before you’re recovered, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Confidence in the Future

You might feel anxious about your future prospects, and be filled with doubt over whether you’ll ever be happy, especially if this is your first major relationship or break-up. Just realize that anxiety and painful emotions are fleeting, and keep the phrase “this too will pass” as your mantra. Life often works like this: You experience some hardship, but then your future brings unexpected people and events that make you grateful for the experience. Take please in imagining a future that’s much more fulfilling than your recent past.

How To Break Up With A Nice Guy

Michael Freeman — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 23:00:39 +0000

It’s easy to leave someone who hasn’t treated you well: You give them a piece of your mind and then say goodbye. But what if you find yourself in a relationship with a “nice guy”? He’s kind, sensitive, not a game-player or emotionally manipulative, but he just doesn’t “do it” for you.

Deciding You Want To Break Up

Perhaps you’ve decided you’re more into “bad boys,” or maybe you’re just bored, but for whatever reason you want to get out of the relationship. Breaking up with a nice guy takes a little more finesse. The traditional advice holds true: A telephone call generally isn’t appropriate (unless it’s long-distance, or other circumstances demand it). An email isn’t any nicer, and a text message is inexcusable. The only nice way is in person.

Arrange a time to see him so that you can tell him how you feel. Once you’re together, it’s best to say what’s on your mind sooner rather than later. You don’t want to have to fake your feelings or pretend that everything is OK. There’s no easy way to let him know. The words you’ll say will depend on the exact reason you want to leave, but let him know that he deserves someone who wants to be with him with all her heart, but right now that person isn’t you.

Break Up How To

This may be difficult for him to hear. On the other hand, he may have felt the same, but because he is a nice guy, he didn’t have the heart to tell you. If you’re really lucky, he’ll be relieved, and you can relax and start on a journey towards “just-friendship.”

Of course, he may be crushed and feel horrible. Tell him how sorry you are to cause him any pain. If he tells you how much he loves you, ask him if he would be happy with someone who didn’t love him equally. The only reasonable answer is “no.” Most nice guys are great, but for others it’s just a mask behind which they can manipulate people. Watch out for emotional manipulation: attempts to elicit pity, accusations of cruelty and selfishness, or other similar behavior. You can cut him some slack because of his pain, but be careful of taking him back out of sympathy.

If you’re overcome with guilt, relax: We all sign up for the possibility of heartbreak when we enter a relationship. You owe him your honesty, compassion and kindness. You don’t owe him another chance, sex, or anything else that you don’t want. Finally, remember to be cautious about pursuing a friendship – give him a proper amount of time to recover (which will vary depending on the length of the relationship). Here’s a good test: If you think he’d feel bad when hearing about your new boyfriend, you shouldn’t be friends.

6 Reasons People Stay In Relationships

Michael Freeman — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 01:07:01 +0000

Sometimes, it’s clear that a relationship is unhappy, unsatisfying, and possibly even harmful for us. If there’s no hope for your relationship, it’s important to end it as soon as your situation allows.

Sometimes staying in an unhappy situation is a deliberate sacrifice: For example, some people stay with an incompatible partner if children are involved. However, often it’s simply passive choice stemming from indecision, fear, and even a misguided sense of loyalty.

Why Can’t You Leave?

If your partner stands in the way of you living a fulfilling life, you need to leave ASAP – life’s too short. All relationships require some amount of compromise, but giving up the possibility for happiness is not part of the deal.

Many people find themselves staying simply for their partner’s benefit. This is a mistake: It’s not only unfair to you, it’s unfair to your partner, who deserves someone that truly wants to be with him or her.

Maybe you’re “just waiting for the right time.” But there is never a good time to break up: There is almost always pain and discomfort involved. That persistent delay is your mind’s way of avoiding the pain and hardship of breaking up. Down the road, you may experience acute regret for the time you wasted.

I encounter six major reasons why people stay:

Guilt – You can’t stand causing your partner pain
Loyalty – You feel a devotion to the history you share with your partner, even if it’s a bad one
Misplaced priorities – You place your partner’s needs above your own
Expectations – You feel pressure from family (yours or your partner’s) and friends to stay together
Financial or logistical reasons – Financial and lifestyle concerns make it too difficult to leave
Anxiety about “the moment” – You fear how your partner will react, especially if your partner has a pattern of emotional or physically abuse

Regarding the last point, sometimes the thought of initiating the breakup can be so intimidating that the individual is paralyzed, sometimes for years. Much of the time, the best approach to leaving such a relationship involves a good deal of distance (The advice to “always tell them in person” doesn’t always apply!).

Take The First Step

The longer you wait, the more invested in the relationship you both become. By the time you have the courage to pursue a life you want, you may have kids, financial obligations, and a whole list of reasons why you can’t leave. The first step is accepting that you will have to take action to change your situation. Stop envisioning disaster scenarios and start deciding exactly how you’re going to proceed.

Remember, the pain of a break up is temporary and will pass relatively quickly. It causes much more suffering to avoid the decision and stay in an unsatisfying relationship, wasting your time (and your partner’s time!) in a relationship you no longer want.

How Can I Dump Him/Break Up If He Pays The Rent? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:04:47 +0000

Taking that huge step to move in with your partner is a big decision. Before moving in with someone, make sure it’s what you really want. But what if the “damage” is done already? What if you’ve moved in with your partner and now you’re realizing that you just weren’t ready? How can you move out or break up with them if they’re the one who is paying the rent?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How can I dump him if I live with him and can’t afford my own rent?

–Jessica, LA

Click here to view the embedded video.

Figure Out What You Want

Okay, so do you want to just move out and try to continue the relationship while living separately, just like you did before you moved in together? Or do you want to break off the relationship and end it completely? Decide what you want and what you’re willing to do before talking to your partner. You want to be as clear and concise on how you want this situation to play out before your partner starts asking questions.

Be Honest

Honesty is often the best policy. Whether you want to break off the relationship or you simply want to go backwards a little bit and pursue the relationship with your partner like it was before you moved in with them, let your partner know that moving in with them was a step you decided to take too soon. If you want to keep the relationship, let your partner know that you really enjoy being with them, but you just weren’t ready to take that “move in” step and you need a little more space right now than living with them can provide. If you want to end the relationship, just let your partner know the truth – that moving in with them truly made you realize that this relationship wasn’t something you were ready for.

Financial Issues

You might be worried about the financial consequences of moving out of your partner’s place if they’re the ones that pay the rent. It can definitely be scary – but ask yourself what you were doing before you moved in with your partner? Were you living with a roommate? Were you living with your parents? Consider if you can literally go backwards and have the same living arrangements that you did before you moved in with your partner.

If that’s not going to work, consider changing jobs before you break the news to your partner. Earning more money is a great way to become financially independent and if this happens, you can consider living alone. If changing jobs isn’t a possibility, consider rooming with someone. You can put an ad out in the paper or on the internet for a roommate seeking a house or apartment, or you can search the ads for ones that other people have put up looking for a roommate themselves.

No matter what you decide to do, just make sure that your living arrangements are squared away before you talk to your partner. Your partner may agree with you, or not get angry, but then again they might. You need to be prepared to have somewhere to go if your partner should decide to ask you to leave immediately. The idea of arranging for somewhere else to live without letting your partner know may seem cruel or like you’re going behind their back, but in truth, you’re just taking care of yourself and you always need to do that.

In The Thick Of A Break Up

Chick In Heels — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 13:25:25 +0000

Break ups are difficult no matter who you are. It is the rare occasion that a break up ends in harmony for both parties, it most usually does not. Although most people will later agree that a break up was indeed the best decision, initially this can be very difficult to see. There is normally one person who seeks to end the relationship more than the other. No doubt that a break up will cause a greater strain on the non-decision maker for they cannot force a relationship to continue without participation.

There’s No Doubt About It – Breakups Hurt

The hurt and shock one may experience at the onset of a break up can feel completely overwhelming. Tears, anger and frustration are common feelings – but the good news is, it’s the first real step in getting past a tumultuous time. It’s understandable to feel lost when a new path lies ahead. I’m here to tell you to pause for a moment because this new beginning holds so much potential. So once the tears have fallen and you start to breathe again you will realize that there is more to life, for all of us. It may at first feel like your world is crumbling but rebuilding creates the opportunity to make things so much better – give yourself some credit for deserving better.

For every challenge we face there are new lessons to be learned and opportunities to embrace. No matter how devastating a break up may be, remind yourself that the person you want to be with you – is exactly that, the person who WANTS to be with you. Why waste your time with anyone else? If you do, you are only delaying your best relationship from coming into your life. Everyone deserves to be with a person who loves them equally in return. Love doesn’t hurt, sure everyone has their ups and downs but know when to let go – once you do there is so much more to hold fast to.

What Happens When Your Life Changes Because Of A Breakup

Even when situations change, maybe you were living together and have to now move. If that was the case then you also face the financial changes that may occur. Circles of friends may change, family dynamics, among some of the possibilities. My point is, until you decide to build for your future instead of wallow in your past, you are merely running in place… exhausting isn’t it?

Negative thinking is like a spiral, once you get sucked in it will skew your thoughts repeatedly. Find ways to catch yourself before it begins. When you feel the onset of negativity you need to find an outlet for it. Speak to a friend, use a journal, take a 5 minute time out and breathe deeply. Whatever method works for you to reset and begin again. You can do this with so many of life’s stressful situations. The key to remember is that your outlook is within your control and will ultimately effect what happens next in your life.

How A Breakup Can Benefit Your Life

Now, you’re ready right? A huge benefit to a break up is you no longer need to worry about what the other person is thinking or how they will react. Now is about YOU, this is where you focus. Do what makes you happy. Do NOT stop living, in fact, now is the time to live life to its fullest. There is a new relationship ahead of you if you wish to attract it – be your happiest self. After all, would you want to date someone who was meandering in a depression over a break up? NO!!

Chalk the past up to a lesson learned. A lesson learned means knowledge was gained and experience was earned. You will emerge – allow yourself to begin your new path with a brighter potential. Once you cut your losses, you will fly free. It all begins with perspective, how you look at your life and whatever it brings is completely within your control. No break up or person can take that away. You are stronger than you think.

Break Up Confusion – Does She Really Want To Break Up With Me? (Video)

Paul Carlson — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:31:43 +0000

Mixed messages that people can give each other are frustrating and can really hurt a relationship. Your partner may be telling you they don’t deserve you, while still having a relationship with you, or may be sending you mixed signals in some other way. How do you read passed the mixed messages to find the truth at the heart of the matter?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend of two months keeps telling me that I can do better than her, that she doesn’t deserve me, etc. She has a two year old daughter and is going through a nasty divorce… I decided to pursue a relationship with her in spite of her current situation. But now I concerned. Deep down, does she really want to break up with me – and just wants me to do the dirty work? What’s up with all the mixed signals? Why does she keep saying these things?

–David, Rhode Island

Click here to view the embedded video.

Does She Want To Break Up?

Your partner may be sending you mixed messages because they want to break up with you, but it is more likely that your partner is sending you mixed signals because they themselves aren’t sure if they want to break up with you or not. This is actually a very common thing that women do – they often project what they can’t figure out on their own to others. Your partner may also be testing the waters. Is she saying that she doesn’t deserve you or you can do better than her? She might just want to see how you react to those words and whether you agree with her or not. These types of mixed messages are indeed frustrating, but there’s always something at the root of the problem.

Does She Have Some Past Emotional Problems?

In this particular case, a woman that says to her partner that they can “do better” or similar things, might be suffering from some deep down emotional issues that need to be talked out with a therapist. Is this type of self-destructive talk something that has been ingrained in her since childhood, or has she had a recent traumatic break up or divorce, or even perhaps a job loss? These types of situations can seriously wreak havoc on a woman’s emotional self esteem and she may really be feeling that she doesn’t deserve you or that you can, in fact, do better. If you feel that this might truly be the root of the problem, talk to your partner (gently) about possibly getting some counseling.

Is She Stringing You Along?

Your partner may also be stringing you along, goading you until you do the dirty work and break up with her instead of her having to do it herself. This is dirty – you definitely don’t want to be a part of that! Confront your partner in a non-judgmental way and ask them what’s going on that makes them think and feel this way about you. Open communication is the best way to figure out what is really going on. If she’s stringing you along, let her do the breaking up, especially if it’s obvious that that’s what she wants. Don’t forget though, if this is a situation that you don’t feel is healthy for you or you are uncomfortable with, you have the power to walk away.

Although mixed messages can really do some damage to your relationship, with open communication you can either work through them or realize that this wasn’t the right relationship for you – or your partner. Don’t be afraid to be honest without arguing or being critical of your partner. Just talk it out and see where it goes.

I Think I Moved In With Him Too Soon. What Should I Do? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 13:48:55 +0000

It happens to a lot of people. You take that big plunge and move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend only to find out later that you might have moved in with them too soon, before really letting your relationship grow.

What do you do? How do you turn back time?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi. I haven’t been with my boyfriend for very long (less than 1 year) and I moved in with him at the beginning of this year. I feel I moved in way too soon. I think it’s just not right for me and I would like to break up with him. It’s harder to do though because I live in his house. Any ideas on how to break up with him and how I should do it and what to do about my living situation?

–Jessica, Maryland

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Moving Out Or Breaking Up?

Okay, so you’re ready to move out. That much is clear. But are you ready to break up? You might have thought the two go hand in hand since you made this big step forward, but that is not necessarily true. Sit down and think about what you really want.

Do you want to continue to have a romantic relationship with your partner, or would you like to part as friends? Do you simply want to go back to the way it was before you moved in with them? Those are all very valid wants and you should definitely try to express those to your partner. Be honest with them about what you want to see happen and why.

Give them a chance to vent their feelings as well. The most important thing is to take a deep breath and relax. Sometimes you have to try something to figure out it won’t work!

Being Financially Sound

Before you talk to your partner about your living arrangements, it’s important that you get an alternative living arrangement set up for yourself on the off chance that your partner becomes angry or hostile and asks that you leave immediately.

You might need to go apartment hunting on your own, however, if you and your partner are both living in an apartment or house that you would not be able to afford were it not for the other’s contribution, it’s important that you are up front and honest with them from the beginning so they have the opportunity to find alternative living arrangements as well.

Taking these steps might seem scary, especially if you’re financially dependent on your partner, but think about what you were doing before you moved in with them.

Going Back to the Beginning….

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Chick In Heels — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 01:24:20 +0000

Recently a good friend of mine asked my opinion on how he could break up with his current squeeze without looking like a total sleezeball. Or… how to break up amicably. It was a bit of a stumbling block for me. I have done a lot of thinking about this one lately – and here was my heartfelt advice.

Do Amicable Breakups Exist?

First off, I think ending a relationship in a completely amicable way means that BOTH parties would have to agree that they could see the end coming. That things just didn’t get along anymore, that it wasn`t a SURPRISE to anyone. And, of course, that they still had positive feelings and thoughts towards one another. To the best of my knowledge, most relationships do not end as ideally as that – if you are able to achieve this phenomenon, then pat yourself on the back. I think it`s a rarity.

So, my advice to my man friend was to attempt to “gently” create situations where his “soon to be ex” could potentially foresee the breakup as a possibility. I suggested he not spend as much time with her and DEFINITELY stop sleeping with her.

If you are still spending time together and still being intimate, how could anyone see a breakup in the making? In other words, if your heart is not in it anymore, don’t continue on as if it was. This is all a precursor to having THE talk – to laying it all out on the line. I for one, would rather see the hazard signs before the finality hit me in the face.

Being Honest Without Causing Pain

Obviously it`s best to be as honest as you can regarding your desire to move on but the key is to do it with by causing as little hurt as possible. For example, if you find you are interested in someone new, be gentle and avoid that topic. Some people are better off if you say less. Others look for reasoning or closure and want to know WHY. It is okay to be real here and say that you just don’t FEEL what you once did and that your heart just isn’t in it any longer.

Of course, no one wants to hear these things but if they are the truth and you are pressed to explain, hopefully this makes this clearer. I believe that everyone deserves to be with the BEST person for them. If your heart isn’t in a relationship any longer then you are not doing your partner any favours by hanging around for their sake.

In fact, being in a situation where you aren’t truly “present” with that person is not fair to anyone. It may help to explain that you know they deserve more then you are willing to give in a relationship. Enhance the positive but be clear enough to state that things are done in your heart of hearts. Once that conversation starts, be prepared to see it through – delaying the inevitable is painful for all involved.

What To Say And What Not To Say….

Did Your Marriage Fail Because Marriage is a Flawed Concept or Because You Married the Wrong Person?

Chick In Heels — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 19:22:36 +0000

So… what did you LIKE about being married???

There are so many people out there who can speak on this topic. There are many of us who have had a marriage end in divorce or separation. It’s true, life DOES go on.. but how do those with ‘marriage experience’ under their belts now look upon the topic? I find the question of ‘so, what did you LIKE about being married’ to hold two-part answers..

1. What did you think about your past marriage and

2. What do you believe (now that you are armed with the expertise) about marriage moving forward?

Did You Marry The Wrong Person?

First off, if you are in the position to have freed yourself from the clutches of a marriage gone wrong you likely view the problem as being the person you chose in the first place. For whatever reason, the common theme in most dissolutions of marriage is that the two parts simply did not mix long term.

Which, in turn leads to a million other little issues or problems that eventually drive people to the breaking point. Now, this is not the same thing as putting 100% of the blame onto your ex-spouse. It is ultimately saying that perhaps it wasn’t the concept of marriage as much as the wrong person to take that path with, which is the constant most of us with ‘past’ marriages, can attest to.

Or Is Marriage Just A Bad Concept All Together?

There are those who are simply jaded toward the concept of marriage all together. That one time was enough for them. Since they did not marry the ‘right’ person to go the distance with the first time, they believe marriage is simply not for them.

They look upon marriage with disdain and feel that it is merely a trap and that most marriages either dissolve or that those who stick it out are not usually there because they ‘want’ to be. I believe, people with this point of view are not thinking outside of the box on this one. After all, if you had one bad job would you never take on another one again?

Holding onto angst and blame from a previous relationship only halts you from fulfilling any potential of a new situation. Unless, the person who holds such grief toward the concept of marriage, does not believe in the concept of commitment or monogamy in the first place. Then it’s more the idea of marriage that turns them off and not necessarily the partner.

Serial Brides & Grooms

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Divorced After 23 Years – How Do I Move On? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 15:41:21 +0000

It’s difficult when any relationship ends, whether you’re the one who ends it or not.

It can be especially difficult if the relationship has lasted for several years, even twenty or more years. If you’re not the one who broke it off, being on the losing end of a break up or divorce can be a tough thing to handle.

How do you begin moving on? Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have 2 kids and were married for 23 years and suddenly she asked me to leave and said it’s over. We’re now divorced and she’s dating again. Now she acts like she hates me.

All these questions torment me. I need answers. How do I move on when she won’t even talk to me?

– 19bluesdaddy59

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The only thing you can control is yourself.

If your partner is the one who ended things with you, you probably feel rejected and out of control. You may want to find out why they left you or what went wrong. Your partner, however, may not be ready to give these answers to you and even more likely, they don’t know the answers either.

The truth is, you can’t control anyone but yourself. You can’t make your partner take you back, you can’t make them tell you why they left and you can’t make them act the way you want them to.

You can, however, control how you react to the situation. You can be petty and vindictive if you choose, but you can also be calm and forgiving too. Only you can choose how you act towards the situation. It will be more difficult to move on, however, if you choose to be vindictive or if you harbor ill feelings and anger towards your partner for ending things.

If you choose to take the higher road and work through your feelings of anger and ultimately let them go, it will be easier to move on.

Working through your anger.

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Should You Stay Married Just For The Kids? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 13:03:37 +0000

Marriage is a choice that thousands of people make every day. For many people, this is one of the best times of their lives.

Unfortunately, however, marriage may not always be the best choice or the one that makes you the happiest and even worse, this is usually not realized until much later.

What can you do if you find yourself "stuck" in an unhappy marriage?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, please help! My friend has been in an unhappy marriage for 28 months. Her son is 23 months old. Before their marriage they broke up because the husband had another woman but she found out later she was pregnant and her husband married her unwillingly. All through out the pregnancy the husband was unsupportive and uncaring. They never share a room and bed since they marry. My friend is 40 y.o. She is desperate for a divorce but is worried that if they divorce, it will affect the child. He says he will never love her again, will never sleep with her and will never suggest a divorce. Please let me know how to help her. I’ve always thought it was a mistake that they got married.

-FD, Hongkong

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Assess the Situation

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How Can I Get My Ex Back? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:58:04 +0000

You’re in a relationship and suddenly, before you even know what is happening, it’s over.

You mourn the loss of your relationship and your partner and you wonder where you went wrong.

If you’re lucky, you’ll figure it out, because some people never do. If you’re able to understand what happened to cause the relationship to end, will you be able to get your ex back?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi! I discovered your videos on YouTube, and figured you could help me out. I had been with my ex-girlfriend for just over 18 months. Everything was going great for the first 12 mos. We broke up a couple of weeks ago, and I was devastated. She said things had gotten boring and that the past few months she didn’t really feel like a couple. She said she still wanted to be friends and needed time to think. I haven’t heard anything from her since then. I’m getting worried that she’s forgotten about me and never wants to see me again. I’ve realized where I went wrong. I just want to know if my ex-girlfriend will ever come back to me and if it’s possible how I can get my ex-girlfriend back. Can you help me!

– Matt, Cumbria, England

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Realizing the mistakes.

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6 Tips For Handling Rejection

Click by Lavalife, Sarah Fielding — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 15:08:56 +0000

If You’ve Ever Been Rejected, This is the Article for You!

You’ve had a date or two with someone you thought was interested in you, then they drop the bombshell that they don’t feel a connection. Ouch!

You wish you could control the overwhelming feelings of anger, embarrassment, anxiety and/or hopelessness but you can’t.

Rejection is a fact of life. It’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.

Here are some strategies that may help you cope with life’s — and love’s — inevitable knock-backs.

Don’t Take it Personally

In many cases, the so-called rejection may have nothing to do with you at all.

For instance, someone may reject your advances because you remind them of someone from their past (not your fault), they are having a career crisis (not your fault) or are dealing with some other pressing personal issue that they elect not to explain (again, not your fault).

"I really liked this guy and we dated a couple of times before he told me he didn’t have time for me. I felt awful," says Jess. "I ran into him a year later and he told me that his father had been sick with cancer — he later died — and all this was happening when we had first met," she says. "I had thought he just wasn’t interested in me but the truth was that it had nothing to do with me."

Silence your Inner Child

The Inner Child often overreacts and feels the whole world has turned thumbs down and that true love will never come (insert high-pitched wail here). Our adult selves know this is simply not true yet the words of our Inner Child ring in our ears.

Recover from rejection by silencing your Inner Child and reminding yourself that ‘never’ is not a realistic concept. To get yourself back on track, try making a list of all the people in your life who do love you and let the sting of rejection melt away.

Don’t Let it Rattle You

Don’t let a negative response shake your confidence. "If I didn’t get a second date with a guy, I’d spend literally days running through out first meeting wondering what I did to put him off," says Sue.

"One day I had a revelation: You can’t be everyone’s idea of a perfect match, so it’s only natural that you will have first dates that don’t eventuate into second ones. And that’s fine. If we all met the man of our dreams the first time, there would be no single people and there are lots of single people out there…"

Think of It as a Favor

If your first or second date didn’t turn into something more, in some ways you should be thankful. It may be uncomfortable to hear, but getting a firm, clear-eyed grasp on incompatibility early rather than later is a huge time-saving plus. The early brush-off allows you to chalk it up to experience and move on.

Turn It into a Positive

Sounds cheesy but you can make rejection work as a motivator for self-improvement. "Knock-backs aren’t fun, that’s for sure," says Phil, "But if I get a ‘no’ from someone I was interested in,

I always use the opportunity to work on myself — do a course, work out more at the gym, go on a health kick, that sort of thing. I figure if I am the best I can be that I will find the best person for me. And if it takes a few ‘nos’ to get there, so be it."

Don’t Dwell on It

Sometimes the fact that we have been rejected is so painful and all-consuming that it becomes the only thing we talk about. Friends hear how badly we’ve been treated or listen patiently to our complaints that we will never find true love.

Other singles rally around us offering rejection anecdotes, all of which seem to confirm our worst fears — that there are no decent men/women left and we will never find Mr/Ms Right.

Get a grip. Turn this apparent catastrophe into a chance to make a change. Get back online, update that profile and optimistically look toward the future.

Brought to you by Click By Lavalife.

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Why Do Happy Couples Suddenly Fall Out Of Love?

Eddie Corbano — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 14:39:01 +0000

It seems to be a complete mystery. Something we cannot understand. And yet it happens every day all around us: People who used to love each other madly suddenly fall out of love, just like that.

What are the reasons?

Sarah’s Story:

Sarah and her boyfriend had been the perfect couple. It was as if they had waited for each other their whole lives. They had the same hobbies, the liked the same things, they considered each other to be soulmates.

This went on happily for two years – the perfect relationship, until her boyfriend suddenly started to pull back, to act strange and get distant. Eventually he broke up with her, and when she asked for the reason he simply replied that he didn’t love her any more.

Sound familiar? Has this also happened to you or someone around you?

A disappointment.

Isn’t true love meant to be forever?

Well, I cannot give you an answer to this one, but I can give you the advice that you need to examine your perception of "true love". I can tell you: All that glistens is not gold.

A high expectation of true love, and an exaggerated romantic view of the ideal concept of love can disturb the view to having a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

A realistic view is vital.

What is the Main Reason that People Fall out of Love?

Of course, there are numerous reasons why people break up, but they are not always the same ones as why people fall "out of love".

The term "to fall out of love" implies that they’ve been in love before and all of a sudden the love is gone.

This is of course an illusion. Nobody loses their love overnight.

In my experience there are 3 main reasons why people don’t love anymore, and therefore break up with their partners.

1. Their expectations weren’t met

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Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 17:02:03 +0000

Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy.

Then suddenly one day, Girl meets a different boy. Oops.

Girl is shocked, confused (well, not THAT confused), and too afraid to tell the first boy about the new boy…

So what’s a girl to do?

This is a classic story that repeats itself over and over.

Yet this story rarely has a happy ending…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a few years now.

Now I met this other guy whom I really like. He has a girlfriend though he likes me more. I am flirtier with him. He makes me laugh and he is really cute. My parents and friends like him too. While hanging out we ended kissing.

I’ve been pushing my boyfriend away for awhile and he knows it and he don’t care. I am not happy when I am with him. I don’t want to kiss him, hug him or anything. He won’t break up with me, he is too "in love" with me. What should I do?

– Lost, Illinois

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

Don’t forget. Click here to Give this Video 5 Stars on YouTube and Subscribe to Ask Dan And Jennifer so you’ll stay up to date with our latest videos.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?!

Hanging On Too Long Is A Mistake

The real trouble comes when you continue to lead the first boy along and hide your feelings for the new boy. So now you’re deceiving both boys. At some point the truth will come out…

One of the biggest issues in our society today is that people tend to hang onto relationships much longer than they should. No one is happy, but no one has the courage to walk away either. If the relationship isn’t working, then it’s time to walk away.

But before you make this huge decision, think about why the first relationship is not working.

Ask yourself questions like:

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How To Celebrate Your New Beginning With A Divorce Party

Click by Lavalife, Kelly Jones — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 14:17:37 +0000

It’s sad when people fall out of love. But dissolving an unhealthy, unhappy marriage is a good thing, and it takes a lot of courage to stand up and say, "We deserve better."

Divorce parties not only let us close the door on that misery, these rites of passage provide the ritual we need to help us heal. They offer us a way to celebrate a new independence, to thank those who have stood by us through the muck, and to announce to the world that we are ready to move on in life. Finally, it’s official.

Save the Date

It’s tempting to set a date for your party as soon as divorce proceedings get under way. But muster up all your patience and wait until things are just short of being finalized. Like any social gathering, your party will require some preparation ahead of time, and you don’t want to be thinking about guest lists and napkin rings in the throes of legal negotiations. You’ll be in much better spirits if you show up at your divorce party with decree in hand.

The Guesting Game

Divorce party guest lists come in all shapes and sizes, and the only factor that determines who you invite is personal comfort level. Would you feel better surrounded by guests of the same sex, or does a co-ed event feel more like a celebration? Do you want to just hang with other divorcees? Does it feel right to bring together only the people who have stood by you through this many-monthed mammoth of a nightmare or are you hoping for something more inclusive that brings even your coworkers and neighbors into the fold? Are you on really (really, really) good terms with your ex and feel that they should be there? The only right answers to these questions can come from you, so put some thought into it and — if it helps — start with a long list and whittle it down.

Deck the Halls

The intensely organized go so far as to print up invitations, arrange a gift registry (ideal for those who lost it all in settlement) and announcements for their party. Some get a kick out of decorating the party space (rented-out restaurant, bar, friend’s house, etc.) with streamers, obscenely decorated cakes, voodoo dolls, piñatas, balloons and bowls of snack food.

Get some ideas from Christine Gallagher, a writer from L.A., who published a book in 2003 called The Divorce Party Planner: How to Throw a Divorce or Breakup Party and has sold thousands on her website, RevengeLady.com. One word to the wise: decorations, catered food and other props can ring up a hefty tally, so be realistic in what you can afford with your new single-income earning status and stay within that budget.

Pieces of the Action

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Thinking About Breaking Up Or Getting A Divorce? Try This First…

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 18:07:53 +0000

Your marriage, or relationship, may look perfect from the outside, but what happens when it’s not so perfect on the inside.

You’ll almost certainly know that feeling, that inner cry for help, when you need someone to talk to about your marriage, or just a tough relationship problem… but you’re not sure who to turn to…

It can be really awkward talking about it with your friends and family.

After all, word travels fast, and you don’t really need everyone in your circle of friends and family to know you’re not ‘getting any’, or that you and your wife are fighting constantly and are on the verge of breaking up. On top of that, these people are biased – they have a stake in the game so to speak. They may feel that they need to take sides, or may even have their own reasons for keeping you together – or for helping you to break up! They are too close to the action to give you objective advice.

So what can you do? Is there a better option?

Why not see how someone else in the very same situation is dealing with the issue… and better yet, why not see what a bunch of objective third parties have to say about it. People who don’t have personal biases toward your situation, because they don’t even know you or your wife… They’re just offering up ideas and suggestions for remedying the problem and coming to a happy resolution.

I’m sure you see how that can be helpful.

A great open discussion forum site for marriage and relationship problems is the "Talk About Marriage" forums.

You can find help with pretty much any relationship problem, from coping with infidelity, dealing with anxiety or addiction related issues, and even going through a divorce or separation.

These forums are a surprisingly supportive community and an open, accepting atmosphere.

They actually have some pretty tough posting rules to make sure everyone actually stays positive and helpful. Their number 1 rule is to treat everyone with dignity and respect; anything less will get your account banned. As ground rules go, that’s definitely good place to start. The last thing you want is some guy being a real jerk when you’re sharing your deep personal relationship problems.

Some of the members even use the forums as a virtual journal, as in this thread started by a man trying to save his marriage. And here’s another in depth discussion about a man seeking help because his wife is waning to leave him. Notice the nuances of his cry for help, but also the helpful tips and advice from the forum community.

One thing we always like to see is motivated people helping others. As a perfect example, these forums were started by Chris Hartwell, who also runs the Family & Marriage Counseling Directory, a nationwide directory for finding therapists and counselors in your area. His intention was for people to have an open, welcoming forum where they could discuss their marriage or relationship problems in a friendly environment, while also staying completely anonymous if they choose.

So check out the Marriage and Relationship forums and see what you think.

More likely than not, someone’s already had a similar issue to the one you’re having, and you can gain some insights into how they handled it. Either way, look around… And if you feel comfortable, consider making an anonymous account and asking the "Talk About Marriage" community what they would do in your situation.

How Sex Is Different After Divorce

Jason Likert — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 14:15:10 +0000

Just kidding! It’s not…

Sex, in all of its intimate glory, is the same wonderful act you experienced in your marriage.

Unfortunately, for many men this may not necessarily be the case, because as a woman’s emotional attachment to her mate decreases, so does her physical attraction.

As one of the multitude of divorced men, you may have been in a loveless, sexless marriage with your spouse. Now that you’re unattached and "back on the market" per se, you could be gunning for more physical intimacy than you experienced in your last relationship.

This isn’t necessarily negative; sex is a natural act and the fact that you desire it means your heart is pumping in your chest.

What Is Different About Sex After a Divorce?

Nothing at the surface level. But dig deeper and there may be emotional issues you are battling in regards to your rediscovered physical freedom.

If you are one of those men who was in a low sex relationship with your spouse you may have learned to repress your natural urges and instincts. Now that you are single, you no longer have anything holding you back from pursuing the physical relationship that you desire.

Sex in marriage can often be a liberating experience that each partner shares.

Physical attraction is the glue that pulls people together in ways that they can express by sharing. People who bond at those levels connect deeply with each other and sex adds another bond between them that connects their emotional relationship with the physical.

A divorce alters that, makes you question yourself, and leaves you without that bond.

Don’t Play Emotional Russian Roulette with Your New Partner

Emotions run deep in most relationships, particularly in a marriage when you’ve been intimate with the same partner for years.

When granted the freedom to be with who you want it’s possible to give undesired love to your new partner. You may be craving that emotional connection you shared with your spouse and now you are laying it on your new girlfriend (or boyfriend) and letting it cloud your emotions.

Essentially you are playing Russian Roulette with your feelings with your partner.

Don’t Repeat Mistakes by Trying Not to Repeat Them

Some of the best advice I’ve ever received was from my divorced brother. It was quite simple and obvious yet I previously had not thought of this.

"Don’t let yourself put blinders on to your new relationship by looking for what you didn’t get from your last."

It was remarkable.

Looking inward it’s possible to see that we consciously and unconsciously judge our past and current relationships against one another. Naturally we’ll focus on the flaws on our past relationships and how our new partner does or doesn’t compare.

We sometimes miss our mark and overlook the flaws of our new partner because they meet some of the needs we didn’t receive from our past lovers.

What Does All This Mean?

Look inward as you approach new relationships, and try to know what your needs and wants really are.

Be sure you are emotionally ready to become intimate with a new partner and that it will be a healthy experience. It’s easier to be comfortable with another person when you are comfortable with yourself. Sex is a natural expression of this comfort and attraction.

Jason Likert is the founder of DivorcedDadsOnline.com. The goal of DivorcedDadsOnline.com is to provide a support network for divorced (and divorcing) fathers and common-sense advice for parents whether divorced or married.

3 Tips to Help You Get Over a Break Up – Quickly!

Jason Likert — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 21:46:42 +0000

Love is a complex concept that philosophers, scientists and romance novelists have struggled with for centuries, if not a millennia.

Is it a metaphysical experience that blends the attraction of souls to one another (ala "soul-mates"), or is it a human ability to sense pheromones and is therefore a bodily function?

Whatever the explanation may be, love is a fact and we all want to receive it.

Givers of Love

Some people are natural givers. They enjoy showering attention, love and care on those who are around them.

They show love from their words, physical actions and gift-giving. Givers have an inclination to be very empathetic to the ones they love. Everyone has the ability to be a giver. In essence we ALL give, we just do it in different ways.

Receivers of Love

Receivers do not automatically "take" – a common stereotype. We are all receivers in some way. Everyone enjoys feeling love and attention. Receivers naturally receive more than they give. They naturally tend to crave attention from those around them.

Are You a Giver or a Receiver?

We all experience love in different ways, as givers and receivers.

As men, many of us are have an inclination to be receivers. Think about the world around us, about how our culture is geared toward making men into receivers of love and affection rather than givers.

We get used to receiving. Most men are conditioned to be receivers and many women are condition to be givers.

When You Stop Receiving Love…

Nothing in this world can be matched with giving and receiving love. It can make time slow down and make a few seconds last for hours when you are together.

When you are apart, a day can feel like a week. In many ways it can be addictive, to feel and enjoy that love you have been receiving. Like a drug you can become dependent upon it.

Somewhere in the past we’ve all been there. That point where we can tell the relationship has changed.

She has stopped giving, you have stopped receiving, or vice versa. Something is different. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s obvious things have changed.

Do you panic? Do you feel your heart pound in your chest and your ribs compress around your lungs?

Do you analyze it all and look for all of the signs of break up?

If you do, you’re not alone. Everyone feels grief at the end of a relationship. Dealing with it and focusing on what to do, and not why, is a good way to help yourself through it.

Grief is a Natural Response

The grieving process will undoubtedly come into affect; you may feel hurt, angry, more hurt, more angry, seething with rage at one minute and balling your eyes out the next.

It’s important to remember that you are not alone, you aren’t the first person to have your heart broken and you won’t be the last.

Many of the most stout individuals can delay their grief, postpone it, and it will come back to smother them. Feeling grief is natural. Prolonged grief can turn…

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7 Personality Traits You Need to Survive a Break-Up

Eddie Corbano — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 14:37:07 +0000

Many years ago, when I finally overcame my extremely painful break up, I noticed a strong shift in different areas of my life. I’d become stronger, more independent, my relationship to others had improved – I was simply able to enjoy life more.

That was the moment when I started to plan how to convey this to other people with similar problems. But I wasn’t sure if the techniques I used would help other break up or divorce victims as well.

Maybe they were only helpful in my personal case?

That’s when I went in search of the magic formula for overcoming a break up.

I had a concrete idea of what a coaching program would look like, but I also needed another perspective, not just my own. So I decided to interview as many people as possible about how they survived their break ups or divorces.

The Interviews

I started with relatives, then friends, then friends of friends. I did a survey in a newspaper, and finally with the help of a friend psychologist, I was able to interview numerous people with different experiences.

Among them were a few who seemed to go through this process without any effort – with natural lightness. I then especially targeted those, for I was sure that they had some special traits which enabled them to get this behind them much quicker, and with less effort than all the others.

My coaching program was born.

Today, I want to share with you these special traits and mindsets which the "natural" survivors of break ups have had or have developed. Their knowledge will help you to realize where your own problems lie and how you can overcome them effectively.

Here are the 7 Most Important Traits for Overcoming a Break Up Fast:

1. Independency

Have you learned to detach yourself from your partner during the relationship?

Detachment does not mean that you do not love your partner, but it implies the knowledge that you don’t need your partner for your own happiness. Your happiness comes from within. It’s important to realize this.

Have you ever learned to live alone, that you can survive on your own? This is a very important attribute, which helps when you need to face a divorce with more confidence. This is especially important for housewives, who don’t work outside the home for their living.

2. Having a Life-Goal

Most of the successful break up survivors have a life goal, which is independent from their relationship. This could be a business, a work related career or a success in sports. Anything that satisfies an ambition you are passionate about and which makes you happy.

It is important that your relationship or marriage is not the only thing that’s vital in your life.

3. Mental Control

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