Ask Dan and Jennifer » Bondage, Fetishes, & Fantasies

Cuckold Fantasy: My Wife With Another Man – Why Do I Like It? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 01:00:28 +0000

Everyone has a secret sex fantasy – what’s yours? Maybe you have a shoe fetish, or perhaps you enjoy BDSM or biting. What is considered outside the norm for you? What if you like watching your wife get banged by another man and really enjoy it? Is this considered abnormal? Should you stop indulging in your fantasy? Here’s what you want to know about 2 guy, 1 girl threesomes and more.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Cuckold question: I like watching my wife get banged by a well endowed man. I love watching her climax in ways she doesn’t with me. Is this TOO weird?

–John, IN

Click here to view the embedded video.

Who Gets To Determine What Is Normal?

First of all, what is considered “normal” in this society? There are so many varieties of people with different cultures and different backgrounds who all do things a little bit differently that it’s practically impossible for anyone to determine a baseline of what is considered “normal” or “abnormal.” With that said, people might think your fantasy is weird if you share it with them, but what about those guys who like wearing women’s underwear – do you think that’s weird? Everyone’s own fantasy or fetish isn’t considered strange to them, but other people’s fantasies are labeled “weird” or “abnormal.” It’s all subjective, so worry less about what is “normal” and what isn’t and focus more on how to get what you and your partner both want in a sexually healthy relationship.

Confidence In Your Sexuality And Masculinity

If you enjoy watching your wife have sex with another man and are genuinely cool with it, you deserve some kudos! While involving other women with their wife in a 2-girl, 1 guy threesome is a typical man’s fantasy, the tables often get turned when a woman suggests bringing another man into the equation. Most men are too self conscious, too jealous and too insecure with themselves to really enjoy watching their partner be with another person sexually. If you’re not bothered by watching your wife become sexually intimate with another man and truly enjoy watching her be pleasured in this way, it speaks volumes about your confidence in yourself and your masculinity.

Have Fun!

The best way to judge if your sexual fantasy or fetish is “crossing” the line is to ask yourself the basic question – does it involve only consenting adults? Is everyone comfortable with what is going on? If so, have fun! As long as you and everyone involved can legally consent to sexual activity and no one is being harmed or doing something they’re uncomfortable doing, there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your sexual fetish or fantasy. Make sure your relationship with your partner stays strong and healthy, and communicate with them regularly about what you like, what she likes and what the third person likes during sex. If any hard feelings come up, talk to your partner about them. If you have any suggestions about what would turn you on more, or if your partner has any suggestions about what would turn them on more, it’s important to keep an open line of communication going when it comes to your sex life. The biggest reason that threesome fantasies crumble is that partners have a breakdown in communication – enjoy yourself and talk to your partner often for a healthy and happy sex life!

How Do I Introduce BDSM To My Boyfriend? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:26:22 +0000

Everyone has their fantasy or fetish, and everyone likes different things. It’s part of what makes us such a sexually diverse culture! Many people are into BDSM, or bondage, whether it’s soft BDSM or really getting into dominant and submissive roles. If you like BDSM, how can you introduce it to your partner without getting rejected and possibly even involving them in your fetishes and fantasies?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m very comfortable with my sexuality and a little on the BDSM side… I’ve been this way for years. My fiance and I have done a few things, but I want to try even more – costumes, props, etc. I don’t think he knows how dark my sexual side can be. How can I bring it up to him without scaring him?

–Desiree, MO

Click here to view the embedded video.

Let Your Partner Go First

Ask your partner what turns them on. This is not the time for a “sit down” talk, rather, you want to ask him in a very nonchalant sort of way. Bring it up if you’re watching a romantic movie with a hot sex scene, or even if you’re watching pornography together. If you’re visiting the mall, pop into the lingerie store or even the novelty stores that carry some sex toys. Asking your partner what turns them on opens them up to their own fantasies and gets their minds going.

Introduce Yourself Slowly

Don’t break into your fetish by surprising your partner with a leash and collar while wearing a full black leather outfit. You might scare them off! Try incorporating light BDSM into your foreplay and sexual routine, such as using a feather duster or even a light whip. Try purchasing some racier lingerie, or sexy shoes that reflect what turns you on. You can even suggest roleplaying light BDSM roles, such as light submission or light dominance. You might find that your partner really likes this type of sex play and begins to get more into it! If this happens, just ease into your fetish or fantasy slowly, until you’re really sharing with your partner what you like and what turns you on.

Try A Fantasy Box

A “Fantasy Box” is something you and your partner can try if you’re really shy about sharing your fantasies with your partner or your partner is really shy about sharing their fantasies with you. Write down your fantasies on a scrap piece of paper and put it in the box. Have your partner do the same. Make a “rule” that once a week, a fantasy is pulled out of the box and is enacted. If some fantasies require planning, give you and your partner enough time to purchase costumes, etc. This can even be something fun that you do together that can bring you and your partner closer! Decorate the fantasy box with things you both find sexy to make it even more fun.

No matter what, your sex life should be enjoyable and fulfilled, no matter what fetish or fantasy you like. You might be surprised – your fetish or fantasy probably isn’t as uncommon as you think it is! If your partner is freaked out by your fetish, whether it’s BDSM or something else, and you can’t work past it, consider that they might not be the partner for you. Remember – there’s someone out there for everyone!

Is Cross Dressing A Turn Off To Women? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 22:00:37 +0000

Cross dressing isn’t something that’s a totally foreign concept to women, but not many of them have dated a guy that likes to cross dress. Does that mean cross dressing is a turn off to women, or do some women enjoy cross dressing? Or do still other women just not mind it? Here’s what you want to know about how women feel about cross dressing dudes.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have a fetish for cross dressing. I like dressing up in sexy lingerie, but I don’t go out in public or anything. Are the any women out there who are open enough to consider this a normal part of a healthy sex life? I also like the idea of dressing up as a French maid and submitting myself to the lady of the manner….

–Jonathan, FL

Click here to view the embedded video.

Some Like It, Some Don’t

Many women aren’t going to be turned on by men who enjoy cross dressing – it’s just fact. While some women don’t mind it, some are going to be turned off by it. That doesn’t mean you have to give up what you enjoy though! There are women who enjoy cross dressing themselves, and who enjoy being with men who like to cross dress. There’s someone for everyone, no matter what your fetish or fantasy is. You just have to find them!

Where To Look

Okay, so popping over to the bookstore might help you meet a nice girl, it’s not likely to be the best place to meet someone who either won’t mind your cross dressing or someone who might even share your fetish with you. There are, however, lots of good places online to meet people who share your interests or similar interests to yours! Browse through online dating websites or online fetish websites where you can specify your interest in cross dressing before you even meet someone. It’s refreshing to know right off the bat that someone who shows interest in you through these websites know that you enjoy cross dressing and either like it or don’t have a problem with it.

How To Tell Someone Who Doesn’t Know

What if you’re already involved with someone or are dating someone who doesn’t know that you like to cross dress but you would like to share this fetish with them? This can be a tricky situation, but it’s definitely not an impossible one. Don’t have a “sit down” talk with them. This can be uncomfortable and will put your partner on the spot, and it can be especially awkward if they don’t react to your cross dressing in the way you expected. Try introducing it slowly. Buy a silky robe and see if your partner likes the feel of it on you. Try wearing her panties to bed and see what she thinks – if she doesn’t like it, you can always play it off as having fun. If she does, visit a lingerie shop with her, and pick out fun, sexy lingerie for both of you. Sharing your cross dressing with her slowly can help warm her up to the idea, and then you can begin to share your fantasies with her!

No matter what your fetish or fantasy is, it’s important to have someone you can share it with. Don’t judge other people and don’t let them judge you – to each his own and there’s always someone out there for everybody!

Asexual Wanting BDSM But Not Sex – Is It The Medication? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:52:01 +0000

A self-proclaimed asexual begins taking medication and now finds herself having a strong sex drive – not only wanting sex, but BDSM as well! Is this normal? Is she falling out of the asexual orientation, or does her medication have something to do with it? It may be confusing and intimidating, but it’s important to get to the root of the issue – what is really going on here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been asexual all my life. I met my boyfriend on an asexual website. I’m taking medication and now I’m getting a sex drive. Now, all I can think about is BDSM. I can live with normal sex, but I can’t be happy with BDSM. My mind would never accept this type of lifestyle. What do I do?

–Alyssa, Virginia

Click here to view the embedded video.

What is “Asexual”

“Asexual” is a sexual orientation, much like being gay, bisexual, lesbian or straight. Asexual people usually do not desire sex, and form emotional and satisfying relationships without being sexual at all. It’s comparable to celibacy, with the exception that asexuality is a sexual orientation and not a choice like celibacy is. You might want to compare it to the difference between being a lesbian (a sexual orientation) or just choosing to have a threesome because it’s fun. Asexuality is like celibacy, but it’s something that is rooted deep inside of the person’s identity rather than a choice.

A Sudden Interest In BDSM – Is It The Medication?

In this particular situation, experiencing a different set of emotions and feelings right after beginning a new medication should not be taken lightly. Anti-depressants, epilepsy medications and other type of mind altering medications can make you feel all sorts of different ways, even ways that you would have never expected or anticipated. If you’ve just started taking a new medication and find that your emotional and even sex drive is different than before you began the medication, it’s important to talk to your doctor. Talk with your medical doctor or even a psychiatrist to find out whether these new feelings are a side effect of the medication and will dissipate or not. If these new feelings are a result of the medication, ask your doctor if you are able to switch to a different medication that may not cause these side effects, or how to best handle the side effects until your body gets used to the medication.

It’s Not The Medication – Now What?

If you’ve found out that the medication has not caused your newfound desires and fantasies, it’s time to dig deep and start questioning yourself. You may still be asexual, but if you’re having desires and fantasies, find out where your comfort zones are. Are you okay with incorporating sex into your life? What about the BDSM part? In this situation, this particular person is uncomfortable with acting out on her BDSM fantasies. Why? Examine yourself and ask yourself why you’re comfortable with some things and not others. Think about trying BDSM, or slowly easing yourself into it. Try light roleplaying, or even a little dressing up, without harming yourself or harming someone else. There are lots of fun ways to get into BDSM without starting with the whips and chains. You might find out that this is something you really enjoy, with or without sex!

Remember, experimenting with your desires and fantasies is fun – it’s not supposed to be intimidating or make you feel ashamed. As long as you and anyone else involved is having fun and isn’t getting hurt, what is the harm in trying a few things out? It could be something that really fulfills your life, even asexually.

Help! My Boyfriend Wants To Be Tied Up! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 23:46:43 +0000

If your partner is into BDSM and you’ve never tried it before, it can be kind of intimidating if you don’t know where to start. Don’t be! You don’t have to start with whips and chains – there are lots of fun, light BDSM ideas to get you started and you can have fun with it from there.

Dear Dan And Jennifer,

My boyfriend wants to be tied up, but I’ve never done it before! What are some tame ideas that I can start with that are comfortable for both of us?

–Sheila, Texas

Click here to view the embedded video.

Tying Him Up

If you want to start by tying your partner up but you’ve never done it before, try using light bondage such as fuzzy handcuffs or silk ties. You can even incorporate a blindfold to make it more exciting! Loosely tie your partner to a chair or to a bedpost and make sure the knot is too tight. A good thing to do before you start tying your partner up – or start doing anything BDSM related at all – is to come up with a code word that either partner can use if something becomes uncomfortable or painful. “Stop” is usually inefficient in the heat of the moment, so come up with something totally unrelated like, “banana” or “fairies.” It may sound silly, but it’s a great way to communicate if something has gone too far.

What To Do Once You’ve Tied Him Up

Chances are, your partner wants to be tied up because he’s wanting to feel a little submissive. So slip into a more dominant role and lightly tease him! You can tease him using props, such as chocolate sauce or even a light feather duster. If you’re really feeling kinky, a light elastic whip might do the trick! Tease him with nibbling, kissing, light biting and possibly light spanking if he’s into it. You can also do a little anal play while he’s tied up, because most guys are unresponsive to anal play ordinarily. Be careful with this, but you might find that your partner enjoys being in a submissive position and would be more receptive to anal play this way. If you want to try anal play, be gentle and go slow! Also, giving him a nice lap dance can be a great finishing touch while he’s completely tied up.

Advanced BDSM

If you and your partner find light BDSM interesting, you might be more willing to venture into something a little more hardcore. You never have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but if it turns you on, why not? There are lots of stores – real and online – that can provide you with costumes, toys, sexy shoes, gags, muzzles, leashes and anything you can imagine to help you get your BDSM groove on. Just make sure you have your safe word handy (or a safe gesture if you’re gagged) and you’re ready to go!

First and foremost, whether you’re engaging in regular sex or BDSM, it’s important that you’re comfortable with everything on the table. Communicate to your partner beforehand what you like and listen to what they like – be open and honest about sharing your fantasies and non-judgmental when it comes to acting them out. If you’re open to it, you and your partner can find lots of ways to enrich your sex life and have a more exciting and satisfying time with each other!

My Husband Wants Me To Have Sex With A Donkey (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 13:45:13 +0000

Believe it or not, animal bestiality isn’t uncommon in the world of sexual preferences and pleasures. Fortunately, it’s not as common as the missionary position, but people still engage in animal bestiality to give themselves pleasure. Is animal bestiality okay? What if you’re uncomfortable with it?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband wants me to have sex with a donkey and videotape it. I’m incredibly uncomfortable with it, but he says if I don’t, it’s over. What do I do?

–Jeanne, Arkansas

Click here to view the embedded video.

You’re Uncomfortable With It

If you’re uncomfortable with animal bestiality, join the masses. Most people don’t agree with bestiality and many people are extremely uncomfortable with it.

If you’re not comfortable with animal bestiality, that’s perfectly normal – but what if animal bestiality is something you enjoy? Is it okay to indulge your sexual pleasures this way?

Typically, sex is something that is limited to being between two consenting adults that aren’t truly harming each other. Once you step outside this box, you run the risk of really hurting someone or even getting in legal trouble.

An animal cannot give consent to sexual activity with a person in much the same way a child cannot, and engaging in animal bestiality crosses the line as much as child molestation does.

If you find yourself in this situation, don’t be afraid to seek help! There are lots of ways to enjoy sex without hurting other people or animals.

Your Partner Wants You To Do It

If your partner enjoys animal bestiality and you don’t, you might find yourself in an incredibly uncomfortable situation, especially if your partner is pressuring you to have sex with an animal.

Whether it’s an animal, another person or even your partner themselves, you have the right to have sex or not have sex at your discretion.

If animal bestiality makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it! If your partner is pressuring you to do things that you’re not okay with doing, recognize that you’re being manipulated and walk away.

Even if your partner is threatening to leave you or harm you in some way if you don’t do what they ask – whether it be having sex with an animal or doing anything else that makes you uncomfortable – you’d be better off if they did.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help or even let a law enforcement official know about your situation if you truly feel that your safety and well being is being threatened if you don’t do what your partner is asking you to do.

The Bottom Line….

Is My Foot Fetish Weird? (Video)

Paul Carlson — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 22:05:04 +0000

Many people have fetishes. In fact, most people do. Many men have breast or butt fetishes, although those aren’t considered weird because most guys like breasts and butts.

Other fetishes, such as foot fetishes or back fetishes may be considered strange because the majority of people don’t have these types of fetishes.

Does that mean you’re not normal? How do you tell your partner about the fetish you enjoy?

Is my foot fetish really weird?

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You’re not hurting anyone, are you?

You’d be surprised at how many men do actually have foot fetishes. While it’s not the majority by any means, if you have a foot fetish, you’re certainly not alone! Foot fetishes aren’t wrong, bad or weird at all, although some people are going to think they are because your fetish is different from theirs.

That’s okay. People are entitled to their own feelings but they’re also entitled to their own fetishes. It’s a live and let live sort of situation. If your fetish isn’t hurting anyone, namely yourself or your partner, it’s perfectly fine.

There are really only a few simple guidelines to tell if your fetish is something that you should be concerned about. You don’t want to hurt anyone, you don’t want it to be illegal and it should always be between two consenting adults. If you’ve covered all your bases, your fetish is probably fine. If you’re really that worried, see a sex therapist. Otherwise, enjoy your fetish!

Getting your partner to participate.

This is where it can be tricky. If you come right out and tell your partner that you have a foot fetish or other type of fetish, it can turn them off immediately.

That’s not necessarily because they won’t enjoy it, it’s just that society has programmed our brains to register immediately what society accepts as normal and what it doesn’t. These things have been drilled in since childhood, and it can be very difficult for some people to get past them.

Don’t give up.

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MILF Fantasy – Should I Have Sex With My Ex’s Mom? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 11:01:58 +0000

When it comes to dating, finding the opportunity to make your move can be intimidating and frustrating. Fortunately, sometimes the universe smiles in your favor and gives you a golden opportunity.

What if you don’t take it, only to realize later on that you wished you would have taken it? Have you lost the opportunity forever?

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Realizing It Too Late

Whether you were at a dinner party where your prospective partner had a little too much wine and let you give them a massage, or whether you’re in a dark theater and their hand gently caresses yours, a golden opportunity is what it is. It’s the perfect time to make your move and see what happens and where it goes.

If you find that you’ve only noticed this opportunity after the opportunity has already passed, you may be feeling angry at yourself for missing it or realizing it too late. You’re not alone!

Plenty of people miss great opportunities in the dating world, although that might not make it any easier for you to cope with an opportunity missed. The question then becomes, have you totally blown it?

Recreating The Chance

Sometimes when you miss a chance to get with someone, you have a chance to recreate the opportunity and try again. While this doesn’t always happen, you can try. Think about how to recreate what happened when you missed your "golden opportunity."

Did it happen at the movie theater? Invite your prospective date to another movie. Do what you can to recreate the mood and ambiance of your opportunity.

You Might Have Missed Out

Recreating your missed opportunity might be a good idea, but it doesn’t always work and you should realize that before giving it a go. Many times, people make decisions that they wish they hadn’t later. For example, that great massage after the dinner party might have been something that person regretted or wished hadn’t happened.

They might be grateful it didn’t go any farther than that. Be prepared to find out that your missed opportunity happened only because of a lapse in judgment.

Picking Up The Spare

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Are My Sexual Fetishes And Kinky Fantasies Bad? (Video)

Paul Carlson — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 13:46:16 +0000

Almost everyone has a sexual fetish or fantasy of some kind, but many people don’t like to admit it.

Society has put sort of a damper on being open and honest about what turns us on sexually, however, most of it is healthy and even natural.

Most fetishes and fantasies aside though, some of them can be dangerous or harmful. How do you know if what turns you on goes too far?

Are sexual fetishes bad?

Are fantasies healthy?

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Healthy Fetishes and Fantasies

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Peeping Tom – How Do I Turn My Fantasy Into Reality? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:33:53 +0000

Voyeurism. Watching. Peeping.

It’s not all bad…

Many people find themselves in the situation where they’re watching someone having sex, and they’re a little surprised to find out they enjoy it.

Everyone has a little bit of voyeurism in them, but what happens if you want to take it to the next level? What is okay and what isn’t?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Living next door is a beautiful girl my age. We are both 18. We have been friends and have flirted and done other fun things. My bedroom looks over at hers. I have sometimes seen her undressing and doing other sexy things. The other night I saw another guy in her room. They were making out. The shades were left open. To be honest I would like to see her doing it. I would like to watch them have sex. What suggestions would you give for me watching them without being caught? Could she want me to see her having sex? I want to do it with her, if I see them doing it. Should I tell her? What would I say? How do I say that I would like to be with her?

-Roger, PA

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Do they know I’m watching?

…

Sexual Fetishes – Is My Smoking Fetish Weird? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:00:08 +0000

Everyone has different turn-ons, ranging from turn-ons that seem relatively mild to turn-ons that seem to be completely out there and fetishistic.

How do you know if what turns you on is normal or not? Should you continue to do what turns you on, even if other people think it’s weird?

Many people have these same questions and are wondering what to do about their turn ons. What should you do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m a 59 year old male and I have always found the sight of a woman smoking a cigarette to be very arousing. I am fortunate that my wife (an inveterate smoker) understands this and uses it to excite me but (the question is from both of us) is this weird?

Have you heard of it before?

-Marty, Pennsylvania

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Are your turn-ons normal?

Let’s take a look at normal for a moment…

What’s Your Safe Word? How to Get Off Without Getting Hurt

The Beautiful Kind — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:09:38 +0000

You’ve seen the stories in the news – a woman dies during a sex play session with her husband.

The articles are vague, but they usually mention the word “kinky,” a kitchen appliance malfunctioning, and the husband being held for questioning. You don’t want this to happen to you.

BDSM is fun and exciting, but you have to invest time in making it a positive experience for everyone involved.

Negotiating scenes, checking play equipment, and doing a little preparation ahead of time will keep things safe and sane. Here’s a little checklist of things to consider when veering from vanilla sex.

Addressing the Physical Side of BDSM

Be present. Don’t be drunk or otherwise out of it.

Never put anything around someone’s neck. OK, maybe a dog collar, but not ropes or bungee cords.

Don’t leave a restrained person alone. You don’t want your sex life to turn into a Stephen King novel.

If you’re playing with rope, have EMT scissors on hand in case you need to break out of something quickly.

Have water nearby to keep your honey hydrated and comfortable as you torment and tease.

Don’t lose your handcuff key!

When “no” doesn’t mean “no”: Part of your play might involve you pretending to resist, and your partner needs to know when you really need a time out. Have a safeword that is two syllables or less you can call out if things get too intense. (Mine is “bluebird,” as in, “the bluebird of happiness.”) It’s also a good idea to have a safetune to hum if the mouth is stuffed with something like a ball gag and you need a break.

Use safe props like cold water and ice cubes as punishment. It stings in the moment, but doesn’t cause lasting damage.

Addressing the Emotional Side of BDSM

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Is It Normal For a Virgin to Be Into BDSM? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 16 May 2008 13:43:17 +0000

As a virgin, it’s normal to find yourself turned on and sexually excited by many things, even if you’ve never actually had sexual intercourse.

What turns you on is going to be different from what turns someone else on, and it’s important to embrace diversity and celebrate your uniqueness!

Is there ever a point where something that turns you on would not be considered normal, especially if you’re a virgin?

Well, yes and no. It’s a complicated situation that needs a hard, honest look.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I found your website on YouTube. I think I am into BDSM or there may be something wrong with me. I believe I am more Sadistic than Masochistic though and I am still a virgin as is my boyfriend. He likes to be clawed and chained (yet to let me do that though) and when I scream in pain because I got hurt or something he gets a little excited. I have clawed him so bad I took chunks of skin out of his hips and when he screamed in pain I laughed at him.

The idea of burning, whipping, tying down, flogging, wrist/handcuffing, caging, and torturing him sounds fun. Is there something wrong with me?

Is it possible for a virgin to be into BDSM like this?

- Barbara, Missouri

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Virgin Into BDSM

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Tools of the Trade… Your BDSM Shopping List

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 08 May 2008 14:00:51 +0000

So are you ready to get your kink on?

What will you need? Where are you going to get it? How crazy do you want to be?

This article will offer an interesting twist on classic BDSM items, as well as introduce you to a few new possibilities.

Hint: I’ve found a new use for four AA batteries, and the results have been spine-tingling.

Bondage in Aisle 5 – Hardware Stores Seen in a Whole New Light

It’s so funny – now that I’m into BDSM, the most innocent places spark sexually interesting ideas. We’re talking hardware stores, garden stores, pet stores… I used to have to be dragged into these places for sink parts and dog food, and now I like ducking into the rope aisle to see what colors or textures they have in stock.

I’ll whiz past the rawhide chews to see what kind of dog collars will fit a human-size neck. (“Does this come with a matching leash?”) Garden shops have hemp rope for binding trees – now come on, trees aren’t going anywhere, let’s put that rope to better use!

The Shopping List

In addition to your hands and mouth, here are some suggestions for your BDSM bag of tricks, one for every day of the week:

1. Ropes

Practice your reverse prayer, chest harness, and hog tie techniques with a variety of ropes – nylon, hemp, cotton. Rough, smooth, thick, silky, it’s fun to experiment and find out which works best for you. Not only can you restrain someone with rope, but you can fashion it into something as sexy as lingerie – highlight various parts of the body and turn it into an art form.

Fun tip: Apply a vibrator to a taut length of rope and feel the vibration spread…

Where you can find it: hardware, garden, army surplus store, online. Or steal it from the local boy scout troop.

2. Handcuffs

Metal cuffs are edgier and more painful, and lend an extra air of humiliation to your play session. It’s especially intense when they tighten up as you’re having sex, it’s like being bitten. I also like the smell of them – the oiled metal is hot.

Where you can find it: sex store, gun store, your friendly neighborhood police officer.

3. Clothes pins

Clothes pins should be renamed "nipple clamps." I mean, who uses them for hanging clothes these days? The inexpensive wooden clamps can be arranged in nice little rows along the curve of the torso or along the shoulder blades to make “angel wings.”

Where you can find it: grocery store, laundry aisle of retailer store, your old-fashioned neighbors clothesline.

4. Wartenberg Wheel

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Are You Dom or Sub? Sexual Compatibility in the Bedroom

The Beautiful Kind — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 15:02:32 +0000

“Harder,” I whispered in the dark.

He tried to oblige and picked up the pace a bit.

“Harder!” I asked again. I needed it rough.

With that he stopped mid-thrust and it was game over for the night.

“I can’t treat you like that,” he said with disgust. I felt like a freak.

This was sex with my ex-husband.

Later, I had a relationship with another man, and I got him trained pretty well in the bedroom to do the things I liked, but out of the bedroom he constantly criticized me, complained that I needed to be more assertive and outgoing.

Fast forward through a handful of other brief failed relationships…

These days, I have a wonderful, loving, strong man who can give me a nice hard spanking or tie me up nice and snug. I finally found my dom – someone who can give me what I want in and out of the bedroom.

What is dom and sub?

A dominant person is a leader, likes to be in charge, is the person on top or does the tying. A submissive person is passive, a follower, is often the person being penetrated, and likes to be tied up.

A parallel to the dom/sub dichotomy is extroverted/introverted. For the most part, dom types are extroverts, and the subs are introverted. All you introverts out there know what a relief it is to have an outgoing partner who does well at parties. They take the pressure off of you.

A dom is often a boss, a politician, a lawyer. A sub is often a secretary, a jewelry maker, a massage therapist. But there’s always more than meets the eye! We’ve all heard of the high power businessman who pays a dominatrix to give him a good paddling.

So, dom or sub…which one are you?

Breaking a Pattern

I didn’t realize it, but I was habitually going for the wrong type. I have a thing for sensitive, intellectual academic types, and the men I kept ending up with had submissive personalities.

Turns out they wanted a woman who would lead the way, be in charge, wear the pants. I didn’t have that personality at all. I’m a skirt-wearing wimp. And the fact that I wanted it rough (oh fine – and that I had rape fantasies) made them nervous.

The guy who criticized me – we were one of those annoying bickering couples. And now I know that he resented me putting him in a dom role. It wasn’t comfortable for him.

Look at Your Own Relationship

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BDSM 101 – Moving Beyond Plain Vanilla Sex

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 14:56:30 +0000

A male friend of mine told me about something embarrassing that happened to him. He was in the throes of passionate sex with his girlfriend when, in a gesture of instinct, he put his hand over her face.

Immediately she froze in horror and blurted, “What are you doing?”

Well, how do you answer that? They resumed their lovemaking and talked about it afterwards. He told her he was going with the heat of the moment, and that to him it was an incredibly intimate gesture, a dominant move on his part.

She felt the opposite – she said it creeped her out and made her feel like an object. And there you have it – that one simple hand over the face gesture crossed the vanilla sex line.

What Do You Call Non-vanilla Sex?

I still haven’t found a good term for non-vanilla sex – chocolate? Strawberry with sprinkles? Chili sauce? This is a little problematic, since I overwhelmingly prefer it over vanilla.

Don’t get me wrong – vanilla sex has its place. But there are plenty of times when you just want to take it to “11,” like Nigel in Spinal Tap.

Taking it to “11”

First off, make sure you’ve covered the vanilla basics. Have you tried sexual positions like doggy style, reverse cowgirl? Have you played all the oral sex games, even 69 (highly overrated in my opinion)?

How about places – have you branched out from bedroom? I’m partial to the bathroom vanity myself, and the basement works well for my dungeon fantasies. How about anal sex? OK, now we’re crossing the line.

Consult the Checklist

Hopefully you have filled out the handy dandy BDSM fetish checklist I provided last month. Going through the checklist will be an eye opening experience for most couples. You’ll find out pretty quickly if one or both of you is dominant/submissive. Take turns picking a fantasy and trying it out.

Start small with blindfolds, silk scarves. A friend of mine had NO idea she liked blindfolds, until her boyfriend spontaneously wrapped her winter scarf around her head and gave her a massage on the couch. That smooth move prompted her to change her blindfold preference from a 3 to a 5 on the checklist. Instant addition to their bag of tricks!

Test Your Comfort Zone

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How to Get Your Freak On – The Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 16:00:55 +0000

A few months ago, I was talking to my new sex partner about what I liked in bed. “I like it a little rough,” I said, “You know, some hair pulling and some smacks on my butt while we’re having sex.”

He sat and pondered this and said, “Have you ever been bent over someone’s knee and spanked?”

Shocked, I exclaimed, “No!”

“Do you wanna try?” he offered.

I stared at him in astonishment.

He smiled and gestured at his lap. He wanted me to assume the position – right now!

My first instinct was to say no thanks – it was silly and weird! But then I reminded myself that I’m a self-proclaimed “trysexual,” so I decided to give it a go.

I lowered my pants, eyeballed him, then draped myself across his lap. He went slow, but he spanked me until my cheeks were pink. And they weren’t the only thing glowing. Turns out I liked it.

National Fetish Day

So how do you go about exploring BDSM and fetishes?

Everyone Has a Fetish

First, you have to come to terms with the fact that everyone is a pervert. That’s right – just like how everyone poops, every adult you know is secretly harboring their own brand of kink. Some never utter what truly excites them out loud. Some never share it with their partner. The poor dears are afraid of freaking people out.

It would be nice if there was a national coming out day for fantasies, a day where every person would put it right out there on the table and acknowledge their turn ons, As in, “Hello, my name is Lucy, and I have a thing for werewolves.” (At this point, my list of kinks looks like a dinner party grocery list.)

Believe me, even the most conservative person has something that titillates them. They tend to feel more ashamed and repress the feelings even more, then take it out on other people. This makes them seem mean, but really they’re just scared and frustrated. A nice spanking would probably do them wonders.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, How Does Your Fetish Grow?

I’m a big fan of taking baby steps. If you have a partner, plant a little seed and then back off. Don’t tell them, “I want to host an orgy.” Instead, say something like, “Wouldn’t it be hot if there was someone over there in the corner watching us have sex?” or “I think watching two girls kiss is completely sexy – if you had to pick a female celebrity to make out with, who would you choose, honey?”

Until your partner is more comfortable, always include them in your fantasy scenario. If you don’t, they will feel threatened and alienated. You want them to feel like they’re a part of this intimate thing you are sharing, a partner in crime, if you will. Be patient with them – give them time to digest the idea, and slowly up the ante when the timing seems right.

It’s even better to own up to your kinky fantasy if you’re single, and here’s why – you have the opportunity to put it out on the table from the beginning, which is a lot easier than springing it on someone later.

Yep, I challenge you – on the second or third date, tell her that you like wearing women’s underwear. Tell him you used to play Burglar with your girlfriends during sleepovers. This has worked wonders for me. Oh sure, I’ve scared plenty of people off, but I didn’t fake my way into a relationship, which pretty much dooms its chances of being a happy, open and honest situation.

Are You Ready to Come Out?

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The Beautiful Kind’s Ultimate BDSM, Fetish, & Kink Checklist

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 15:58:03 +0000

It’s a Pervert Party, and you’re invited!

Copy this list into a word processing program so you can edit it, or print it out.

For each question assign a number based on this scale:

5 = This is something I REALLY like. Bring it on, baby!
4 = This is fun! Let’s go for it.
3= I’m not sure, kinda freaky, could be fun, let’s try it out.
2 = I’m not really into this, but if it excites my partner I’m GGG (good, giving, and game).
1 = Eh, I don’t think so.
0 = NO FREAKIN’ WAY.
? = I have NO idea what you are talking about. Seriously, I’m clueless.
* = fantasy only, stays in my head

Be as creative as you want – feel free to add, fill in blanks, specify, clarify. No, you don’t need to painstakingly fill out each and every number, you can whiz through if you like, use checks instead. Customize it to suit your needs; use a highlighter or different colors for your answers if it helps. Most of all, have fun!

Types of persona that turn you on

[ ] = I am this character, ( ) = Partner is this character

( ) Male
( ) Female
[ ] ( ) Transgender, drag, queer (_______________________)
( ) Ethnicities (Asian etc: _______________________)
[ ] ( ) People with accents ________________
[ ] ( ) People with disabilities (Type: _______________________)
[ ] ( ) Teachers, professors, librarians
[ ] ( ) Lawyers, judges _______________
[ ] ( ) Business professionals, managers
[ ] ( ) Interns/assistant/secretary
[ ] ( ) Nurses, doctors, medical professionals
[ ] ( ) Religious figures (rabbi, priest, nun) _____________
[ ] ( ) Nobility, royalty (Princesses or: _______________)
[ ] ( ) Musicians (Rock stars, violinists, etc: ____________________)
[ ] ( ) Athletes (Football, basketball, baseball, etc: _____________________)
[ ] ( ) Wrestlers, martial arts, ninja etc: ___________________
[ ] ( ) Blue collar workers (Mechanics, maids, other:__________________)
[ ] ( ) Bikers, Hells Angels
[ ] ( ) Cowboys, cowgirls, farmers
[ ] ( ) Soldiers, marines
[ ] ( ) Sailors, coast guard, lifeguard
[ ] ( ) Police officers
[ ] ( ) Firefighters
[ ] ( ) Mail carrier, milkman, FedEx _______________________
[ ] ( ) Airplane pilots, flight attendants
[ ] ( ) Truck drivers
[ ] ( ) Bride, groom
[ ] ( ) Hunters
[ ] ( ) Surfers, extreme sports, skateboarders
[ ] ( ) Tattooed, pierced, body modified (Type: ____________________)
[ ] ( ) Pirates, rogues, guerillas
[ ] ( ) Historical figures (Civil War, Nazi, Abe Lincoln, ancient Egyptian or:__________________)
[ ] ( ) Inexperienced/virgin
[ ] ( ) High school boys/girls/cheerleaders (consenting adults!)
[ ] ( ) Prostitutes, pimps, sex workers, Johns, sluts
[ ] ( ) Fantasy creatures (mermaid, werewolf, vampire, etc.) ___________
[ ] ( ) Furries
[ ] ( ) Droids, robots, machines
[ ] ( ) Daddy, uncle, brother, cousin ___________
[ ] ( ) Mommy, aunt, sister, cousin ____________
[ ] ( ) Babysitter
[ ] ( ) Divorced
[ ] ( ) Widow(er)
[ ] ( ) Older sibling’s friend
[ ] ( ) Older people, elderly ____________________
[ ] ( ) Executioners
Others, please specify: (clowns, sci-fi, superheroes, etc.) ________________________

Fetish Extra Credit

[ ] ( ) Smoking
[ ] ( ) Alcohol
[ ] ( ) Soft drugs (marijuana or: _______________)
[ ] ( ) Hard drugs (heroin or: _________________)
[ ] ( ) Exhibitionism (being watched)
[ ] ( ) Voyeurism (watching)
[ ] ( ) Erotic dancing
[ ] ( ) Watching porn
[ ] ( ) Making porn (photographed or videotaped)
[ ] ( ) Oral sex
[ ] ( ) Forced oral
[ ] ( ) Male ejaculation, cum play _____________
[ ] ( ) Female ejaculation, squirting
[ ] ( ) Menstruation
[ ] ( ) Urination, golden showers
[ ] ( ) Defecation, scat
[ ] ( ) Vomit
[ ] ( ) Anal play/sex ___________
[ ] ( ) Double penetration
[ ] ( ) Fisting
[ ] ( ) Hot play (candle wax, etc)
[ ] ( ) Cold play (ice cubes, cold showers)
[ ] ( ) Foot worship
[ ] Group sex _____________
[ ] Bestiality __________________
[ ] ( ) Necro/unconscious/sleeping ____________________
[ ] ( ) Unshowered
[ ] ( ) Infectious (yeast infection, STD’s or:_____________________)

Favorite body parts: Ass back breasts legs hair feet hands eyes pussy cock __________

Turn offs: _________________________________________________________

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Ooh, It Hurts So Good: Sadism & Masochism – The Pleasure of Pain…

The Beautiful Kind — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 14:41:13 +0000

The first time I ever had sex was on the hardwood floor of a friend’s house.

He was older, on top, and yep, it hurt.

But I was amazed at how receptive I was to that discomfort, how I welcomed it and accepted it as part of the complete sex package. Years later, I still feel that mingling of pleasure and pain when intercourse is initiated, and wow, is it nice!

What is S&M?

The correct sexual term for sadism and masochism is to combine it – sadomasochism, or S&M.

The sadist part refers to a person who gets sexual pleasure from inflicting pain on another person. The pain can be mental or physical.

Masochists are people who get off on receiving pain. If your immediate thought when it comes to sadomasochism is of whips and chains, well, I like your way of thinking, but that’s just on the extreme end of the spectrum.

Sadism is to domination as masochism is to submission.

That means that S&M doesn’t necessarily have to be hardcore role playing – it can be what I like to call “gentle-rough sex”.

It can be having your hair pulled or your nipples pinched. It can be your partner teasing you to the point where you’re begging for sex. It can be light, playful, and just a little bit edgy.

It’s up to you how far you want to take it.

Who Does S&M?

Lots of people.

That woman in the carpool line ahead of you. The guy who made your sub sandwich at lunch today. That mousy shy co-worker of yours who avoids eye contact. Your sister. The lawyer who fixed your traffic ticket…

You get the idea.

We’re not talking serial killers or crazed nuns out for revenge – most of the folks who dabble in S&M are nice, normal, kinky people. And they are all around you, like a zombie monster movie, only way more fun.

Where Does S&M Take Place?

Mostly, in the bedrooms of ordinary houses in the suburbs.

But it can also happen in trendy downtown lofts, 23rd floor penthouse suites, out on the farm, and sure, in clubs with S&M dungeons. Most cities have clubs like that, or fetish nights.

There are also thousands of online communities and local groups who meet to discuss safety, equipment, and exchange tips on what kitchen utensils work best in sex play.

Why S&M?

Pain and pleasure are two separate things, but they are closely related. They both stimulate nerve endings, they’re both associated with the mad release of endorphins, and they both make you feel alive.

Vanilla sex is more physical – S&M is more mental.

What do I mean by that? Vanilla sex is simple – it’s about giving and receiving pleasure. S&M is more complex – it is delving into your deep, dark fantasies, sharing them with another person, pushing your limits, and facing fears.

Most of us are conditioned to avoid pain at all costs.

That makes sense – we’re hardwired for survival. But to embrace it – to subject yourself to it deliberately and on your own terms – that is a way of finding control in a world where you often lack control.

Both sub and Dom participants will often find themselves in a euphoric “zone” once they push past a certain point.

For instance, I knew a friend whose father was dying of cancer. She took care of him, but during her respite free time, she met up with a Dom who would punish and beat her. It was her way of coping with the guilt associated with her sick father, and was an effective way to take her mind off of the helplessness she felt.

As for me, I like being bit or having my hair pulled or my bottom spanked.

I’m curious to see how much I can take, and I’m lucky enough to have found a good Dom who is willing to be my guide. He doesn’t get off so much on inflicting pain as he does in seeing how much it arouses me.

I get turned on, he’s turned on, it’s a win-win situation.

I wonder if someday I can handle a belt or paddle…Stay tuned!

To learn more about The Beautiful Kind, visit TheBeautifulKind.com.

What Everyone Ought to Know About BDSM

The Beautiful Kind — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 14:50:11 +0000

That’s right, acronyms aren’t just for the office anymore – it can be a regular alphabet soup in the bedroom, too.

I’m talking about BDSM – the ultimate antidote to vanilla sex.

Sure sex feels good on its own, but have you ever thought about taking it up a notch, pushing your boundaries? Do you have any freaky fantasies that might be ready to leave your head?

Prepare for a challenge – get off your butt and onto your hands and knees, grab a candle to light the way – but don’t forget to let some of the hot wax drip on your sensitive flesh…

What does BDSM stand for, anyway? The interchangeable initials stand for:

Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism

Let’s expand on the first four now, because S&M deserves an entire article of its own.

As you read through the list, pay attention to your feelings.

Which concepts intrigue you the most and inspire you to place an ad on a fetish site, or buy your partner a pair of shiny steel oiled handcuffs?

Bondage

I can’t remember if my first exposure to bondage was watching the Wonder Woman television show or receiving pink and green paper Chinese handcuffs in a party favor bag, but I know that both of those things had me daydreaming of lassoing that boy who always ran away from me on the playground, or tricking him into being my slave for a day because I had him trapped by his fingers.

Bondage is incorporating restraint into lovemaking.

It’s giving yourself over to the pleasure and entrusting yourself to your partner. Being tied up can feel scary, relaxing, embarrassing, arousing, intense…The sky’s the limit with the emotions that can come into play.

It’s also a great way to utilize neckties now that they aren’t worn in the workplace much anymore. I’m always pleased to visit a friend’s house and see colorful neckties affixed to their bedposts – it’s a sure sign of a healthy sex life.

These days I’ve graduated to nylon rope, which is easily obtained at hardware stores. More discriminating folks in the lifestyle opt for hemp rope, which is available online and in sex shops in a variety of colors.

Discipline

Thank you sir, may I have another?

Discipline is the use of rules and punishment to control the behavior of someone else. A rule can be as simple as not allowing someone to say “thank you” for the evening, and if they transgress, punishment ensues.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the word “punishment”?

Spanking, perhaps? Oh sure, I love a good classic like spanking, but punishment needn’t be physical. BDSM can be extremely creative, not to mention mental.

I have my own personal list of punishments that I like being "forced" to do. Plus my partner is always good at keeping me on my toes. Or on my knees…

Domination/Dominant/Dominatrix/Dom

Also known as the Master, Mistress, Boss, or Top.

A Dom is in charge, gives orders…

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