Ask Dan and Jennifer » Humor & Jokes

Sex Advice From Tarzan and Jane (Relationship Humor)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 15:13:14 +0000

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh! … Tarzan, use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her private area, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, " What did you do that?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel.”

–unknown

If you have a good joke or humorous story about dating, love, or sex that you’d like to share with us, please Submit it Here and if it makes us laugh out loud, then we just may post it.

When Garbage Men Fall In Love

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 19:32:38 +0000

One of our online Friends shared this funny dating/relationship video with us so I wanted to pass in on to all of you…

I may have seen it before and knew how it was going to end, but I had to watch it any way .

Click here to watch When Garbage Men Fall In Love.

10 Tested Ways To Get Rid Of Your Irritating Girlfriend (Relationship Humor)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 23:03:21 +0000

We haven’t had a smile break in a while…

Here’s a really funny article that was recommended by one of our good friends at www.loverslawn.com.

"10 Tested Ways To Get Rid Of Your Irritating Girlfriend"

For an irritating girlfriend-free life follow these time-tested formula and you’ll be surprised to see how easy and relatively straightforward dumping an irritating ‘attachment’ can actually be!

1:) Make her wait for ages… when the dates are planned by her and, even worse when they are planned by you.

2:) Do not ever use a deodorant when you’re around her. Make it a point to munch on onions before you meet her.

3:) Attend as many calls as you can when she’s spending time with you… it helps if the one calling is you’re ex-girlfriend and it’s even better if it’s your ’supposedly’ intimate boyfriend.

4:) Be as GAY as you can!

5:) Make sure you invite her best friend every time you go out with her, and hit on her friend (doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or a girl) as shamelessly as you can. The drool-pot is a sure winner!

6:) Dress as horrendously as you possible can. Colour combinations are a strict NO-NO, unless you’re planning on doing a fluorescent orange and bright pink combo. Classic!

7:) Gorge yourself on food, hers, yours, her friend’s and make sure food spills out of your mouth every minute or so, during your lunch or dinner dates.

8:) BURP! As often and as loudly as you can. Gaseous emanations of other kinds are also sure ways to your ultimate triumph!

9:) Make sure she realises you’re not busy, but pretend to be as busy as you can possibly be when she’s around… she’ll get the hint… or even better, pair it up with being a schedule freak.

10:) Pretend you have a serious crotch infection, or a fetish or an obsession for everything down under!

5 Funniest Sexual Bloopers (Relationship Humor)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 00:10:53 +0000

Here’s a smile break for today that I found on iVillage.

5 Funniest Sexual Bloopers, excerpted from Sexual Bloopers, compiled and illustrated by Michelle Horwitz.

These are really funny, but be warned in advance… They do cover very adult themes.

1. Paradise Lost

The summer between my junior and senior years of college I worked at a nursery-and-garden center and went gaga over the hunk they’d hired to do the heavy hauling. He had the most amazing body I’d ever seen and often starred in my fantasies. One afternoon the owner asked us to close up for her. We couldn’t wait!

At six o’clock we threw the rest of the employees out, locked the door, hung the huge CLOSED sign, and raced to the back of the shop behind a row of huge floor-to-ceiling metal shelving units. My fantasy was about to come true! …

I wriggled out of my shorts and panties while he unzipped his jeans and pushed them down around his incredibly muscular thighs. He wasn’t wearing any underwear and his penis literally sprung up to meet me. I was soaked and panting with anticipation when he effortlessly lifted me up and set me down on one of the shelves–just the right height for penetration.

He worked himself deep inside me and began pumping away, totally unaware of the danger looming overhead–the vibration of our slamming bodies shook the clay pots stored on the top shelf. Eventually one fell off the edge and came crashing down on the poor guy’s head.

Much to my horror (and disappointment), he slipped out of me and fell to the ground unconscious! I couldn?t tell if he was dead or alive. I tried to wake him and he didn?t move. I had to call for help. I quickly redressed and tried to pull his pants up –but it was hopeless. There was nothing left to do but call 911 and hope that I died before they arrived.

In a lame attempt to preserve our dignity, I yanked a leaf off the nearest plant and covered his penis. Just as the ambulance and police arrived, he began to regain consciousness. Though dazed and sporting a huge lump on his head, it was quickly determined that his injuries weren’t life threatening. With everyone relieved, attention shifted to the leaf covering his otherwise fully exposed groin.

Unable to conceal their amusement, the paramedics burst out laughing while the grinning police officer turned toward me and said “Well now, Eve, it looks like you and Adam here had a little trouble in paradise.”

2. Class of ’65 — Ass of `95

I’d been divorced for a little over a year when I got something in the mail about my 30th high school reunion. Having just leased an expensive new sports car, shed 25 pounds, and a whole lot of baggage from a bad marriage, I was more than ready to see how I stacked up against all my high-school buddies.

As soon as I walked through the door I spotted the girl I’d taken to our prom. She looked as gorgeous as she did that night 30 years ago! From the moment our eyes met, the same old sparks started to fly. We caught up over a few glasses of champagne, and I was thrilled to learn that she was divorced and unattached as well.

As we slow danced, she put her mouth to my ear and whispered, “How would you like to drive me home right now and relive prom night?” We raced like hell to get back to her house. I pulled into her drive way and we started making out like two teenagers in heat. The car windows fogged up as I lowered the leather seats and climbed onto her. I worked her dress up as eagerly as she worked my pants down.

She really started to get going, so I picked up the pace and rode her even harder. That’s when I felt something pop in my lower back. My entire body seized up in one excruciating spasm. I had just re-injured my newly healed slipped disc! There was no way I could move –let alone finish the job of satisfying this incredibly hot woman. It would be at least an hour before I could get her out from under me. I couldn’t even raise my sorry, middle-aged ass up enough to get my now limp self out of her. With no hope of having an orgasm, she said, “What do we do now?” obviously unfamiliar with this type of injury.

Feeling like the biggest loser in the world, I said, “We have to wait until the spasms subside enough for me to move. It could be a while.” She just smiled and said, “Well I suppose that’ll give us plenty of time to reminisce about what it was like when you were 18 and could do this without paralyzing yourself in the process.”

3. International Arrivals: United States of Erotica

I’m a call girl with wealthy gentlemen clients who often require me to travel to discreet locations of their choice. A few years back, I was invited to join a client on a weeklong business trip to the French Riviera, where I would spend my nights pleasing him and my days basking in the Mediterranean sun.

Because he’d been a regular of mine, I knew exactly what kind of sex he liked, and took extra care to fill one entire suitcase with a wide array of S&M paraphernalia. Since he also liked to watch me masturbate while I pretended to be a parochial school student, I packed my schoolgirl uniform and favorite vibrator.

A deliciously devilish week later, we ended our trip a friendly kiss and boarded our separate planes back to the states. The flight home was one of the smoothest I’ve ever had –it was only after we had landed that I hit turbulence of my own. The line through customs was moving at a snails pace so I start up a friendly conversation with the three nuns behind me. I smiled smugly as they told me they were returning home from a spiritual retreat and going back to their parochial-school classrooms.

Suddenly, my vibrator went off inside my luggage (I’m sure it was God’s way of getting back at me for playing with his three girls)! The buzzing raised suspicion and a large, no-nonsense female customs agent demanded that I place my suitcase on the counter for inspection. With the three nuns looking curiously on, I reluctantly opened my suitcase. There in the pocket of my neatly folded parochial school blazer was my pulsating vibrator!

The nuns recoiled in unison. The agent remained stone-faced as she removed the batteries and proceeded to go through the risque contents of my suitcase. With each item she pulled out, the nuns blessed themselves. Carefully comparing my face to my passport photo, the agent asked the nature of my travel.

“You could call it a working vacation,” I said.

Disgusted but aware that I was within my rights, she told me to pack up and move along. Quickly I shoved my stuff back into my suitcase and before leaving, turned to the nuns (who were feverishly working their rosary beads), and said “What can I say girls: We each have our calling!”

4. That Sinking Feeling

One morning I woke from a dream feeling especially horny. Since I didn’t have to be in the office until noon, I figured I would entertain myself with my nine-inch rubber dildo “Manny” and sure enough, I got off in no time.

I brought the dildo into the bathroom to rinse off before safely tucking it away, but right as I was about to turn on the faucet, the phone rang. I left Manny in the sink and raced to answer the phone. A few minutes into the conversation, the doorbell rang. Phone in hand, I walked to the front door and, through the peephole, I recognized the cute exterminator here for routine maintenance spraying.

I threw on some clothes and let him in, reminding him to pay particular attention to the areas behind the kitchen and bathroom sinks. Then, without another thought, I returned to my conversation, while the exterminator –already familiar with my apartment layout –went about his spraying.

It wasn’t until he was actually standing in the bathroom that I suddenly remembered the dildo in the sink! I became weak-kneed and abruptly ended the phone conversation. I was panic stricken and light-headed from anxiety. For a moment I thought I was going to faint! I racked my brain –what could I possibly do or say to explain myself? I listened for laughter, but heard nothing.

After what felt like a lifetime of pacing up and down the hall with my head in my hands, he came out of the bathroom. My heart was pounding and my face was beet red. He, on the other hand, was amazingly nonchalant about the whole thing. His face was expressionless and without saying a word, he just walked past me with his can of pesticide.

It wasn’t until he was halfway out the front door that the turned and winked. “It’s ok,” he said, with the smuggest smile on this face, “my four-year-old daughter never puts her toys away after she plays with them either.”

5. Hot Dog!

When I met Sandy, it was love at first sight! The only problem was her yapping Pomeranian. When it came to my girlfriend’s affections, he and I were definitely rivals.

After three months of dating, I rented a cozy cabin for a romantic getaway. Eager to get dirty on the bearskin rug, I popped open some champagne got a roaring fire going. Just as I dreaded, the minute my girlfriend and I got down on the floor, her dog (who she had insisted come along) became a royal pain in the ass!

Totally pissed off, I asked my girlfriend to lock him in the bedroom for the rest of the night. The next few hours, he yapped his head off and scratched at the base of the door while she and I got wild on the rug.

After a while, my girlfriend got up to use the bathroom (which was inside the bedroom) and I figured I’d rebuild the fire, which by now had died down to a few smoldering embers. I removed the screen and was bent over (still naked) stroking the remains of the log, when suddenly I sensed the dog charging at me!

From the corner of my eye, I saw him take a flying leap at my jewels. All I could think, when I saw those exposed fangs, was to get out of his way and protect my guys. With precision timing, I jumped off to the side, and a split second later the dog landed in the fireplace.

Hearing its cries, my girlfriend ran into the room just in time to see her weenie roasting! I reached into the fireplace, pulled the dog out, and rolled him in a blanket to smother his burning fur. We quickly took the dog to the vet, who assured my girlfriend that he would be fine.

Nevertheless, that was the end of our romantic weekend! My girlfriend spent the rest of the time with the mutt in her arms while I ended up getting screwed — doggie style!

Excerpted from Sexual Bloopers, compiled and illustrated by Michelle Horwitz. Thanks for the Laughs!

Relationship Humor – International Symbol of Marriage

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 15:33:56 +0000

International symbol of marriage is Approved by the UN

New York AP- April 21, 2005: After 5 months of heated debate, the Commission on Human Rights of the United Nations approved the new International Symbol of Marriage.

What Does Your Drink Say About YOU?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 22:15:30 +0000

Before you order a drink in public or try figure out how to approach that really hot girl, you should read this!

It was forwarded to me in an email today.

It’s funny, but pay attention… There just may be some truth to it.

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could ‘nail’ a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

Check out the results.

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her If she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink………

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however,
be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila No explanations required – everyone just KNOWS what happens there…

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!

THEN, there is the MALE addendum — The deal with guys is, as always, very
simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay

Code Word for Sex (Relationship Humor)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 02:00:29 +0000

We hope this brings a smile to your face…

Code Word for Sex

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Gone Fishing (Relationship Humor)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 14:19:27 +0000

"Gone Fishing"

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s**t?"

At First I Thought This Was Funny… And Then I Realized the Awful Truth of It.

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 20:38:11 +0000

At first I thought this was funny… And then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.

Put these words
upon his tomb,
" Taxes drove me to my doom…"

When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax

Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)

Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax

Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What the hell happened? Can you spell "politicians!"

And I still have to "press 1" for English.

I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times

Send to all the politicians that represent you.
__________________________________________________________

I normally try to stay away from political humor, but when I read this, it terrified me. So now, I’m just doing my part to make sure this gets around the United States at least 1,000,000 times. We have the power to change things. Exercise your power!

Laugh Till You Cry… This is Real Alternative Medicine! (hilarious video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 21:19:00 +0000

This guy is unreal, you’ve gotta see it! If you haven’t seen this video, watch it now. And if you have, watch it again!

From Elvis, to the Village People, to Snoop Dogg and Eminem… Heck, even the Macarena and the Chicken Dance.

Guaranteed to make you laugh till you cry!

Ok, here’s the video… “Evolution of Dance”

And the follow-up… “Evolution of Dance 2″

His name is Judson Laipply and his site is TheEvolutionOfDance.com

If you’re trying to keep up, here’s a short list…

Elvis, the Twist, The Village People, Disco, Kung Foo Fighting, Snoop Dogg, The Chicken Dance, Can’t Touch This, What is love?, Techno, Cotton Eye Joe, The Macarena, Eminem, Hip Hop.

Thoughts?

Pfizer Does Tequila… (awesome video clip)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 12 Nov 2006 09:53:00 +0000

You’ve got to see this video…

This is what happens when the folks at Pfizer get their hands on a Tequila company.

Enjoy!

On a more serious note, it’s REALLY scary when you realize this is exacly what they’re doing with the fancy meds on the market these days.

Anyone remember the purple pill? Anyone remember what the heck that pill does? Nope, just the soothing background music and happy peaceful people, and a strong encouragement to “ask your doctor about the purple pill“.

Most of the medications that are promoted by the big drug companies have serious side effects. Most of them not worth the small, temporary benefits that you receive.

We highly recommend that you try a natural or homeopathic remedy before getting that prescription filled.

Have an absolutely awesome day!
Dan & Jennifer

Ask Dan and Jennifer » Humor & Jokes

Sex Advice From Tarzan and Jane (Relationship Humor)

Related Posts

When Garbage Men Fall In Love

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10 Tested Ways To Get Rid Of Your Irritating Girlfriend (Relationship Humor)

"10 Tested Ways To Get Rid Of Your Irritating Girlfriend"

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5 Funniest Sexual Bloopers (Relationship Humor)

1. Paradise Lost

2. Class of ’65 — Ass of `95

3. International Arrivals: United States of Erotica

4. That Sinking Feeling

5. Hot Dog!

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Relationship Humor – International Symbol of Marriage

International symbol of marriage is Approved by the UN

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What Does Your Drink Say About YOU?

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Code Word for Sex (Relationship Humor)

Code Word for Sex

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Gone Fishing (Relationship Humor)

"Gone Fishing"

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At First I Thought This Was Funny… And Then I Realized the Awful Truth of It.

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Laugh Till You Cry… This is Real Alternative Medicine! (hilarious video)

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Pfizer Does Tequila… (awesome video clip)

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