"You could call it a working vacation," I said.

Disgusted but aware that I was within my rights, she told me to pack up and move along. Quickly I shoved my stuff back into my suitcase and before leaving, turned to the nuns (who were feverishly working their rosary beads), and said "What can I say girls: We each have our calling!"

4. That Sinking Feeling

One morning I woke from a dream feeling especially horny. Since I didn’t have to be in the office until noon, I figured I would entertain myself with my nine-inch rubber dildo "Manny" and sure enough, I got off in no time.

I brought the dildo into the bathroom to rinse off before safely tucking it away, but right as I was about to turn on the faucet, the phone rang. I left Manny in the sink and raced to answer the phone. A few minutes into the conversation, the doorbell rang. Phone in hand, I walked to the front door and, through the peephole, I recognized the cute exterminator here for routine maintenance spraying.

I threw on some clothes and let him in, reminding him to pay particular attention to the areas behind the kitchen and bathroom sinks. Then, without another thought, I returned to my conversation, while the exterminator –already familiar with my apartment layout –went about his spraying.

It wasn’t until he was actually standing in the bathroom that I suddenly remembered the dildo in the sink! I became weak-kneed and abruptly ended the phone conversation. I was panic stricken and light-headed from anxiety. For a moment I thought I was going to faint! I racked my brain –what could I possibly do or say to explain myself? I listened for laughter, but heard nothing.

After what felt like a lifetime of pacing up and down the hall with my head in my hands, he came out of the bathroom. My heart was pounding and my face was beet red. He, on the other hand, was amazingly nonchalant about the whole thing. His face was expressionless and without saying a word, he just walked past me with his can of pesticide.

It wasn’t until he was halfway out the front door that the turned and winked. "It’s ok," he said, with the smuggest smile on this face, "my four-year-old daughter never puts her toys away after she plays with them either."

5. Hot Dog!

When I met Sandy, it was love at first sight! The only problem was her yapping Pomeranian. When it came to my girlfriend’s affections, he and I were definitely rivals.

After three months of dating, I rented a cozy cabin for a romantic getaway. Eager to get dirty on the bearskin rug, I popped open some champagne got a roaring fire going. Just as I dreaded, the minute my girlfriend and I got down on the floor, her dog (who she had insisted come along) became a royal pain in the ass!

Totally pissed off, I asked my girlfriend to lock him in the bedroom for the rest of the night. The next few hours, he yapped his head off and scratched at the base of the door while she and I got wild on the rug.

After a while, my girlfriend got up to use the bathroom (which was inside the bedroom) and I figured I’d rebuild the fire, which by now had died down to a few smoldering embers. I removed the screen and was bent over (still naked) stroking the remains of the log, when suddenly I sensed the dog charging at me!

From the corner of my eye, I saw him take a flying leap at my jewels. All I could think, when I saw those exposed fangs, was to get out of his way and protect my guys. With precision timing, I jumped off to the side, and a split second later the dog landed in the fireplace.

Hearing its cries, my girlfriend ran into the room just in time to see her weenie roasting! I reached into the fireplace, pulled the dog out, and rolled him in a blanket to smother his burning fur. We quickly took the dog to the vet, who assured my girlfriend that he would be fine.

Nevertheless, that was the end of our romantic weekend! My girlfriend spent the rest of the time with the mutt in her arms while I ended up getting screwed — doggie style!

Excerpted from Sexual Bloopers, compiled and illustrated by Michelle Horwitz. Thanks for the Laughs!

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