[victoria]

HELP!!!! i'm new to bdsm and have never had any real life experience with it. i've never had a boyfriend iether, so i'm a virgin in it all. on facebook i joined a bondage group and have been in contact with a "john smith" (age 43) for 4 days. i like him, and we have interesting conversations but 2 days ago he expressed an interest in having me as a sub in an online relationship. he asked me to take a picture of myself in a skirt all dolled up. which i no big deal since i have pictures of myself on my facebook page. but then he told me that by asking me to do this with certain requirements he was testing my submission. at those words i froze up and i think i had some sort of panic attack because i could barley move, i got dizzy and i had trouble breathing. he said it was called 'the rush' and that it was part of exploring my sexuality. he told me the best way to get rid of it was to masturbate. we had a short conversation on that as it got increasingly worse because i didn't want to. i dont know why but i suddenly got very afraid. then he gave me permission to do so and it 3 times worse. he tried to help me and because i was terrified and out of sorts i broke one of my most sacred rules and gave him my cell number. he told me to get ready for bed and out on stockings. then he called me talked to me for a bit, tried to help me masturbate. but before it got anywhere near serious i got terrified told him i couldn't do it, apologized. he said it was alright and we ended the phone call. today i am violently sick. it happens when i get stressed out. i sent him a email this morning apologizing for my horrible behavior in breaking my rule and proceeding to attempt to do something as horrible as having an intimate phone conversation with a stranger.

i though after doing so much research in this topic and reading a lot of your posts here i would be ready for this but i am terrified and i don't know what to do. he seems like an interesting person and i smile when we chat online but 'the rush' was terrifying and the fact that i so easily broke my rule for him was even worse. is this normal? i feel like i'm having a break down. do other first time subs go through this? do most Doms test you like this? i'm terrified of all of this. Please help!