It sounds to me like there is alot of fear there, fear that your body is asking for something your mind can't handle, fear that you won't like it, even more fear that you will like it.
it seems to be putting alot of presure on yourself, and if you don't vent it off safely, it might come out in other ways, and unexcptected times, which could be very bad.
I don't have any suggestions other then the one I made above. All I can say is that you in the end are in control. find a way to release those urges safely and it would be much better in the long run. Maybe just trying some self flogging, that way, no one else is involved.
Wolfie
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