[skydivinggal]

My mate and I used cocaine off and on for about 10 years very sporadically to spice up our sex life. We haven't done it in a couple of years, but something has been eating at me for quite some time. whenever he would get a good buzz, he would talk about how he wanted me to do other guys, with or without him, that it would turn him on. He would get very in depth and serious. When he would come down he would say that he didn't want me with any other guys and it was just the drug talking. Now mind you this went on for 10 years! Every time we did the drug. He would talk about wanting me with other guys while he watched, he would questions me if I would do it without telling him first, that if I would do other guys, he would do other girls. Every time we did the drug did this would come up. No other times. For a while I searched for another woman to join us thinking that would please him because he would admit he wanted to do other girls as long as I did other guys. I figured it was some latent fantasy he couldn't talk about straight. However, I have wondered for quite some time if he had already had sex with other women and this was his way of saying it would make us even. He vehemently disagreed that he had sex with other women, however strangely enough this talk turned me on too. Did the coke bring out the truth subconsciously as far as fantasy. I am afraid to ask him straight, but it eats at me now. We told each other when we were under the influence that it would be alright to do other people and have an open relationship, but I have never pursued it. I am wondering if his relentless pursuit of the subject while under the influence was him just trying to please me? Was it a true fantasy of his? Was it his way of saying he wanted to try swinging (which I already did but was afraid to say anything since straight he is pretty jealous)? We are in our thirties and forties so we aren't kids here. What does he really want?