[Atticus]

Hi all after seeing your advice on youtube I thought I might seek some aswers or help here so let me begin my story ...

I'm now 24
About 4 years ago I met woman that's now 49 in my class. My first impression of that woman was " what a bitch.. Just by the way she entered the room made me think "She's a "bitch"... Anyway as time passed by ( about 3 months )
I got to know her better and started to like her as a friend. Then after we graduated I never thought I would see her again... Until I send a wrong text message that I would come over to her place. For some strange reason she recieved it and not the person who it was meant to. So I told her that I was sorry that it wasn't meant for her but for someone else. She replied immediate with ok now I know her name thanks anyway..." I Knew she wanted me to come so I went to her place. We exchanged mail addresses and started to mail frequently.
She always asked in her mails when I would come over to see her x-mass tree
etc... She always found some excuse for me to come over...



Anyway as we got closer she started to tell me about a relationship that was based on just sex " well only from the guys side" She said she ended that relationship and that she found someone to talk about it... Well no problem for me because i'm just a friend As time flew by that same guys came over her place again and she started to date him again , with again only the sex...
I knew this because there are a few factors that made me think that he was only interested in sex... He only wanted to come over when her children weren't around or when it suited him... He didn't want her to meet his children or any friend of him... She was still a friend of me and I didn't want to lose her once I told her that her "boyfriend" was only after the sex and not her. Eventually she had to find it out herself sooner or later , which she did...
On her birthday he told her "I'm only in love with your body and not with you"
I always know this day would come and that she would come over to me to talk about it... And so she did , I tried to help her as much as I could.
She started to ask me over more frequently and found the well funniest excuses so I would come over to her place , that she bought cookies and wanted me to come over , or that her children invited me for dinner ( while it was she that invited me her children didn't know about a thing ) So basically we started to hang around a lot more than we used to... I always stayed for dinner and went 4 times a week to her place



One day he called her back after 6 months or so he was ass kissing like no other and she said " he doesn't know any shame " Anyway she wanted to pay him back so she discovered that he was looking for love on local dating sites and wanted to mess around with him... I was thinking the same thing at that time... So what we did was we made a "fictional" person and start to chat with him and finally arrange a meeting... Which we did we both saw him and well yea humiliated him... Then he tried to destroy our friendship between me and her...." She told " you mean more to me than him..." Anyway I wanted that she had a good time again , So I started to invite her to dinners and tried to make her see the joy again... But then the feelings kicked in.... I didn't realize it that I was already in love with that woman for a long time ( after she broke up with that man ) I started to take her more out to dinner and even payed her a visit in France where she was on vacation... She freaked out totally ! Her children never thought she would react like that...
They knew she would be happy but not that happy...
So I guess it was a good suprise


I started to give her some gifts like cd's from artists she loves , etc...
I was and still am so in love with that woman... Anyone one day she wore a top where you could look good in her cleavage. She wore the same thing when we met with that guy.. Anyway she told me he was looking the whole time in her cleavage and that she didn't like it that men tend to look in her cleavage. For some reason I asked " Can I look in your cleavage" She smiled shyly" and let me look. I told her I can't see it that well could you bend over some ... So she did and I had a full look into her cleavage...
She said " oh you're naughty with a shy smile"...
Anyway I visited her few times a week I just wanted to see her and be with her as much as I could.... But her son started to be annoyed that I was over there so frequently and that his mother always asked for me. Her son wanted to do stuff with me but his mom didn't want to. So he called her a selfish bitch.... Anyway i'm going to end it here and let you know what's been bugging me.....



Last time I went out with her she told me it was a romantic sight ( took her to a restaurant with sight to the sea ) I wanted to kiss her so badly but eventually I didn't... When I go over her place and I sit next to her in the couch I want to hold her and kiss her but I never find the guts to do it...
She let's me know she loves me but then again she rejects me...
She tells me that I remind her of her dead husband... She said that I know how she feels without seeing her by just hearing her voice. Her son picked it up and said " What does he remind you of our dad!?" Which she replied with " more than once" He winked at me and said " hey my mom has a crush on you"
She didn't react in anyway or whatsoever... Then again she says to me " I think I won't meet anyone for a long long time and I don't want anyone anymore"..... But when we go out she noticed that people look to us like we are a couple and that she likes it that other people get the wrong impression and that she sometimes wants to take it a step further to fool people... I have a few mixed feelings on one hand I get the vibe that she also loves me on the other hand I feel like i'm just her best friend or more like a son to her...


Although she asks me to fix things with her children and tell me things she can't tell her kids....
I honestly don't know what I should do... I'm afraid that I confess my love that i'm never going to see her again on the other hand it will get me out of this frustration... I tried to take some distance from her so I could get her out of my head but I just can't.... What if I confess my love to her and her children find out especially her son.... Her daughter doesn't like the idea that a younger men can date an older woman... One of her friends told me " If you ever get to meet someone I think she will have a hard time with it..." Whenever i'm around her I want to hold her and kiss her... But I don't want to freak her out or anything either. Losing her due she can't deal with my feelings or that I my feelings are getting so strong I end up kissing her and losing her makes me go crazy...
I get the feeling that our relationship is just platonic but I want to go further than that .... And honestly I don't know how... Since i'm so afraid to confess my feelings... I don't know how to overcome this fear and if I can't I realize that I can't move on with my life.


I always had a thing for older woman and never had so much trouble to confess my feelings but with this woman I do.
She means more to me than I could ever imagine...

I don't know what but from the beginning I got the idea in my head that the feelings can't be answered but still they get stronger by the day. Knowing that she can't answer to my feelings...

She always gets attention from me in all possible ways sending her text messages that are well a bit straight forward.
f.e. I send to her " Hey to bad the evening was that short and time flew by so fast.
I will see you next time lucky I have that Big kisses and love ...

So i'm asuming if a woman gets that kind of text messages they obviously know that there is something going on...



Anyway anyone got some advice ? I would be thankful to hear your oppinions on what I should do with this situation..

And do you think she knows I want to be more than just friends ?

My suroundings know and even though I lie about it and don't admit I have feelings for her


Best Regards