[nettie]

I am 33 and my husband is 37. When I read your question I thought I was reading my own history!!!!!!! I posted my own question in this forum and it is very similiar to yours. I have been with my husband for 16 years married 13. I have always had a higher sex drive and as the years go on his goes down. We just went through a big thing several months ago. We hadnt had sex in 10 months! Now a few of those months my husband had surgery and that was understandable but the times before and after there was no sex, no intimacy nothing. I had a "feeling" porn was involved but never had anything concrete. Until one day i came home unexpected from work and there he was at the computer masterbarting to porn. I was so distraught. I screamed I yelled " you cant have sex with me but you can with yourself?!" It had been 10 months since he had touched me and I found out he had been doing this 2-3 times a week. He was ashamed and swore he would never do it again. He didnt mean to hurt me. We went out on a date that night and had the best sex we had in a long time. 6 days later I found more porn on the computer. the log said it was 8 minutes after I walked out the door for work. I felt more betrayed and sick to my stomach than the first time. When I confronted him it turned out to be a 5 hour discussion. I basicully told him I wasnt going to live like this. I was not going to live in a sexless marriage and I was not going to live in a marriage that would deny me a connection with him emotionally and intimatly becuase of porn. He told me to block the computer and have control. Which i do now. That has helped greatly. We also went out on a date night the next night and again reconnected in a way we hadnt in years. This was almost like a wake up call for both of us.

Now I would love to say everything is wonderful but there are still the issues of sex. I like you find it very important in my relationship. I would love it 3 times a week he on the other hand 1-2 times every 2 weeks. He says I want it all the time and I ever give him the chance to make the first move. If I did I would have to wait weeks I think LOL! Once he gets into it he enjoys it but its gettting him to stop being so lazy about it is the problem!

If your husband is not willing to work on these important issues I would have to do some hard thinking. If you truly think he is looking at porn on the PC he probaly is. There is no reason for him to have it blocked otherwise. My husband would clear his history and he was administrator so I never could look at the logs. Now I am administrator and he can clear history all he wants but I am in control and that has helped both of us. I know there are many couples and people out there who dont think porn is wrong...good for them...if it works for them great but if it hurts like it does you and I then it is not fair that a spouse would put another spouse through such hurt. They are not fake women. These are real people with real bodies and if he is getting his sexual gratification from these other women and not you thats a huge problem. He should care anough about you to not hurt you in this way.

ps....I just wanted to let you know we have 2 children as well and would never take the decision of divorce lightly....just thought I would throw that in! Take care!