SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL (from a sub POV)

[Icse]

As much as in this forum that i have seen safety, there has been no posting of the mantra. The main thing in BDSM or in any type of kink is being safe. i am currently a 24/7 slave, yes there are differences between sub or slave, but maybe i'll post that another day if anyone wants to know.

Anyways, safe, sane and consensual are not the same for E/everyone, but most P/people have hard limits, even if T/they do not know who they are. A sub or slave is in a very vulnerable position, especially if they are playing with a Dom/me that does not know them very well. A good Dom/me will be able to play that fine line between pain and pleasure like a skillful musician, but sometimes even good Ones go over, it's up to you as the submissive to let them know. Yes, safewords and safemotions (for gags) are good, but don't make them hard. Try to keep the safeword to something one syllable that you would never usually say during the activity, maybe like "lamp" or "tree" something that strikes the Other as odd and not just part of the submissive's mindless rambling when the sub is in subspace.

The safe motion needs to be easy and not complex as well as very very noticeable. Banging a hand in a short pattern is good, but with breathplay it needs to be more simple than that, maybe a touch of a hand on the Other in a general area. Once again, it needs to be noticeable or someone can end up seriously hurt with an ambulance on the way. And think, do you really want to go on an ambulance ride with a collar, handrestraints and bruising in conspicous places, and you can't forget how gloriously naked. Think how much that the ambulance people would laugh while your Dom/me is freaking out, S/He won't be thinking about you being naked, typically it's natural for them to see you naked in private all the tima anyway.

Now that the safe part is over, sane comes to mind. Yes, the Dom/me might have some idea that S/He thinks is the best thing since sliced bread, but you have that feeling, a strong moral or physical adversion to it (here's where the difference between sub and slave comes to play) don't do it. Maybe S/He wants to bind you and suspend you then let Others play with you and it feels all wrong to you. This would be where sane comes in. Doing something that goes against the very essence of you is insane and if They force you to, then it is unconsensual. There are hard limits on everyone, most people only think of sexual limits, but you have to think beyond sexual limits into mental and moral limits. i'll give an example of myself, i am against beastiality, child play, watersports and submersion. i don't believe that beastiality or child play is consensual on the other party's part. Watersports is just ewww in my mind and you couldn't make me touch it with a 10 foot pole. Submersion, i'm just a slight bit of a hyrdophobe and there are just too many things that can go wrong. These are hard limits that Lord never touches with me. And He as a Dom also has hard limits on things He would never want to do, the limits go both ways. The comfort zone is a safe zone and going outside it a little is fine and healthy, but completely ignoring the comfort zone is downright stupid and could be dangerous.

Consensual says it all by itself. If you don't want to do it, you can refuse. No good Dom/me is going to force you to do anything that would hurt you physically or emotionally or morally. If they do, call for help and get out of there. Make sure your play partner knows you limits and respects them fully. If you don't want to do something because it is against your convictions, let the Other know and tell them it is something that you will stand your ground on. Just because someone is submissive doesn't mean they should be a pushover or doormat and let the Dom/me do as They want. i might be a slave but i am considered strong-willed, stubborn and certainly a leader by my friends, i choose to submit to my Lord, He never forces me. Yes there are consequences to my decisions, but Lord knows that if i am truly against something then that is just that and time to move on.

Don't forget that BDSM is not so much sexual as it is mental. Mental damage is much harder to notice than any physical damage and much more likely to occur. Every now and then take a day or a week or however long and examine yourself mentally. It may sound stupid and like meditation, but think on your habits and how they may have changed for the better or for the worse. Make sure that when you think of your Dom/me it is not a thought of fear, but of caring or loving or something along that nature. A Dom/me should inspire fear not of themselves, but of the consequences. A Dom/me should be just as firm as they are kind, praising and rewarding for actions performed or accomplishments acheived. They are much like a parent, without the blood relation (hopefully) and the addition of sexual connotations. They nuture and and care for the sub to make the sub come to their full potential in all areas of life. The Dom/me ultimately has the well being of the submissive in mind.

For those perhaps exploring deeper into the world of BDSM a good little saying is RACK, Risk-Aware, Consensual Kink. Not all things are fully safe that both consensual parties want to engage in, but know you risks, know the medical backgrounds of your partners and have it written down what medications, conditions, etc. Also, make sure the Other and yourself is STD free. Make sure someone on the outside (vanilla world) knows where you are and where you will be at what times. Leave a number and an address as well as names. Make sure you call them when done with the scene or at appointed times. It might not be as exciting, but better to lose some excitement than your life or be damaged permanantly. There are sickos and dangerous people in the BDSM world as there are in the real world, maybe more. Except in the BDSM world, a sub is willing to be tied up and spanked, etc.

Play it safe, sane, consensual and risk-aware. Have fun with Y/your play!

~Icse

[Wolfhowl]

Very Well said Icse

What I normally use for a hand sign that I have had enough is the Vulcan greeting.

(You know hand open, space between 2'nd and 3'rd finger), it does work well as I find during play my hands tend to clentch. That is the kind of signel you come up with when you are a sub and a nerd at the same time.

I would like to hear more about your views on the difference between a sub and a slave.

Thanks

[Dan And Jennifer]

Originally Posted by Wolfhowl

What I normally use for a hand sign that I have had enough is the Vulcan greeting.

(You know hand open, space between 2'nd and 3'rd finger), it does work well as I find during play my hands tend to clentch. That is the kind of signel you come up with when you are a sub and a nerd at the same time.

OMG, thanks for sharing that Wolfie!

Wow, that's really cool, I bet it shatters the mood nicely and so should be very very effective.

[Icse]

Alright, I'll try to get that one written up within a week or two. Sorry for the delay, between life and everything right now, it's been busy! Look for it!

[Rachael559]

Wonderful thoughts all. I really would love to hear your thoughts on the differences between sub and slave, I've always looked at it as a difference in how much power is given up? We are quickly moving into that 24/7 area.... we don't have a specific contract yet and I'm curious.
thanks again ICSE,
Rachael

[Cuerdista]

Actually the key here is that BDSM be an activity between consenting adults. Safety and sanity are relative concepts. How safe or sane can suspension bondage, bull whipping or needle play be?

The truth is that much of what those of us who are into more advanced BDSM do is arguably not safe or sane, but we do try to minimize the risks to which we expose ourselves and our partners during kinky sex. And yes, BDSM is mostly about SEX. The mental part is that you feel better because you have a more interesting sex life.

So, Icse, based on my own experience and the real life BDSM practitioners I interact with I have to say the the catch phrase should be Risk Aware Consensual Kink. We can leave SSC for the people who buy the velcro restraints and the domination kits at the local sex shop.

[Dan And Jennifer]

Originally Posted by Cuerdista

Actually the key here is that BDSM be an activity between consenting adults. Safety and sanity are relative concepts.

Very well said!