Is BDSM the right choice?

[Phil]

Hey everyone: I am new to this forum and I have a very serious question that I am having trouble with and it is this. I have this friend that is into BDSM and I have read that it can be a good outlet for people to explore their sexuality as long as it is done in a safe enviroment! However this woman has been abused all her life from when she was a baby all the way into her teens. She went through the type of Abuse that is verbal, mental, emotional and physical from her mother and what I am wondering is this. Has she been so conditioned through all the years as a child with the abuse she suffered at the hands of this woman that she is looking for that type of treatment now as an adult through BDSM because if she is, then she is doing this for all the wrong reasons.

[Dan And Jennifer]

Hi Phil, welcome!

That's a very interesting and complex question... one that often comes up from friends / family of people choosing a BDSM lifestyle or frankly indulging in various other fetishes.

I think the answer is that there's no real way to know for sure...

Fact is, all fetishes do have their roots somewhere - and it's not always the obvious one. If you spend enough time and money, you'll probably track them down somewhere. Maybe in childhood, maybe in a genetic disposition, who knows. It is however a slippery slope to start diagnosing where different fetishes come from, and can lead to a lot of heartache.

The big question is... does this situation pose a problem for her today?
Is she in a relationship with someone that is harming her, holding her against her will, etc. Is she being physically or emotionally abused?

Or is she making a lifestyle choice that concerns you - as her friend who is concerned for her, yet someone who does not approve of that type of lifestyle.

Contrary to the outward perception for people not truly into the BDSM lifestyle, BDSM is not (in general) about emotionally "abuse" relationships. Those relationships are in many cases very loving and nurturing. Of course there are dangerous, sadistic people out there, and society needs to protect itself from them. So it's a matter of being truly informed of what's really going on.

And another big question - is she seeking your help, or do you feel that her choice to partake in BDSM is obviously related to her childhood so she should choose to stop doing it?

Your concern for your friend is admirable, just beware of trying to fix someone else's problems they way you feel they should be fixed, as that can easily end a friendship.

We all have to live our lives, make our choices every day, and make our own "mistakes" (though what seems to someone as a mistake can be just a life experience to someone else), etc. Please don't take my comments in any negative way, just layout out some thoughts for you to consider.

Also, check out these related videos for some related thoughts...

Are Sexual Fetishes Bad? How About Kinky Sexual Fantasies?

BDSM Delimma - Should I Tell My Parents?

Can a Virgin be into BDSM?

Thoughts?
Dan

[The Beautiful Kind]

Sure, your friend may have suffered abuse all her life from her cruel mother.

But maybe BDSM is a way for her to take OWNERSHIP of her sexuality and do things ON HER OWN TERMS.

It is a way for her to harness that negative energy and get something good out of it - release, therapy. She can also close the circle - let's say her mom was mean to her and left her emotionally hanging. In BDSM she can be treated mean, and then the person domming her can then treat her with compassion, and end the scene on an intimate or kind note.

Finally, in BDSM the sub is in control. It's the Dom's job to give her what she wants, and to keep within her limits. BDSM should be SSC - safe, sane and consensual.

It is fun roleplaying, a good emotional and physical outlet. Mutual respect and trust is paramount in making it work.

[Phil]

Originally Posted by Dan And Jennifer

Hi Phil, welcome!

That's a very interesting and complex question... one that often comes up from friends / family of people choosing a BDSM lifestyle or frankly indulging in various other fetishes.

I think the answer is that there's no real way to know for sure...

Fact is, all fetishes do have their roots somewhere - and it's not always the obvious one. If you spend enough time and money, you'll probably track them down somewhere. Maybe in childhood, maybe in a genetic disposition, who knows. It is however a slippery slope to start diagnosing where different fetishes come from, and can lead to a lot of heartache.

The big question is... does this situation pose a problem for her today?
Is she in a relationship with someone that is harming her, holding her against her will, etc. Is she being physically or emotionally abused?

Or is she making a lifestyle choice that concerns you - as her friend who is concerned for her, yet someone who does not approve of that type of lifestyle.

Contrary to the outward perception for people not truly into the BDSM lifestyle, BDSM is not (in general) about emotionally "abuse" relationships. Those relationships are in many cases very loving and nurturing. Of course there are dangerous, sadistic people out there, and society needs to protect itself from them. So it's a matter of being truly informed of what's really going on.

And another big question - is she seeking your help, or do you feel that her choice to partake in BDSM is obviously related to her childhood so she should choose to stop doing it?

Your concern for your friend is admirable, just beware of trying to fix someone else's problems they way you feel they should be fixed, as that can easily end a friendship.

We all have to live our lives, make our choices every day, and make our own "mistakes" (though what seems to someone as a mistake can be just a life experience to someone else), etc. Please don't take my comments in any negative way, just layout out some thoughts for you to consider.

Also, check out these related videos for some related thoughts...

Are Sexual Fetishes Bad? How About Kinky Sexual Fantasies?

BDSM Delimma - Should I Tell My Parents?

Can a Virgin be into BDSM?

Thoughts?
Dan

Thanks Dan that helps a lot and no I have not taken what you have said as being anything wrong. She has a real nice mistress and she has assured me that she is being treated with love and respect. I was just worried about the Abuse part of her life that she went through and after reading some of the replys that I have gotten so far I do believe she is in good hands. So again thanks.

[Dan And Jennifer]

Originally Posted by Phil

Thanks Dan that helps a lot and no I have not taken what you have said as being anything wrong. She has a real nice mistress and she has assured me that she is being treated with love and respect. I was just worried about the Abuse part of her life that she went through and after reading some of the replys that I have gotten so far I do believe she is in good hands. So again thanks.

That's great Phil.

And I'm so glad The Beautiful Kind chimed in, her explanation was eloquent and illuminating as usual. Particularly...

Finally, in BDSM the sub is in control. It's the Dom's job to give her what she wants, and to keep within her limits. BDSM should be SSC - safe, sane and consensual.

It is fun roleplaying, a good emotional and physical outlet. Mutual respect and trust is paramount in making it work.

"SSC - safe, sane, and consensual"... damn well put. Anything else is downright abuse, which above all wrong, but also illegal and prosecutable.

[blackat13]

I agree with the above posters. I think that BDSM can provide a safe outlet for her. As Dan and Jennifer said, fetishes are shaped in many ways. Once there there it's hard to get rid of them and unless they're not safe, sane and consensual, then there's no real need to. BDSM can deliver the kind of physical dynamic that she enjoys, but within the context of a TRUSTING relationship. Abuse can happen in BDSM, but only when limits or safewords are not adhered to and when communication isn't strong. Communication is key within any relationship, but even moreso in BDSM.

[Shadow]

Well,

from my point of view if she is dominatrix type that myth be connected strongly to the fact that she was abused as child.

But if she is submissive... than it can be whole different story. To be submissive you need to have great amount of trust with your partner - so this may be her way of shoving the affection and trust.

And to be frank, BDSM is all about freedom, strange as may sound. So in that scenario she may feel free and strong.

Another question is: is she for light bondage or something stronger (sry I don't know the terms).

Truth is, that she may be in to BDSM because of what happen to her in past, but not necessarily. Good advice is that you talk to her openly about your concerns, if she trust you that much that shouldn't be a problem. BDSM isn't something you should go in to lightly or with doughs.