How do I tell my partner I'm a submissive?

[Tanya in Austria]

Hello,

I've been with my girlfriend for a while now and we don't really keep anything from each other, but I've known for a while already that I'm a submissive. I'm usually a top when we have sex, but secretly I love being dominated. I just don't know how I would tell her about it without sending her screaming and running away. She loves me, so I'm sure she woudn't run away, but she's a pretty shy person, so I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, or make her feel like she has to dominate me to please me. The sex we have already is great, but I hate living with this secret. Do you have any advice for a way to let her know without damaging our relationship or making her feel uncomfortable?

Thanks so much,
Tanya in Austria

[Alexstrandberg]

Tanya,

do you simply mean being on top and telling you what to do or more extreme than that?

[Tanya in Austria]

Well, it's more extreme than that, but I know she likes being controlled by me, so I know she wouldn't be into an extreme domination role. She's a really shy person, and I'm worried I'm going to make her feel uncomfortable. I couldn't imagine telling her everything I wanted her to do to me. I was thinking I could maybe ease her in with something really softcore and work from there, but I have no idea what I would say and when. I'm just very confused as to how I should go about telling her this secret in general, never mind my darker fantasies.
I don't know what to do, because it's been killing me to keep this to myself. I just wish she knew, but I know that she would feel compelled to try it even if it made her uncomfortable, because we love to please each other.
I want to tell her, but I'm also not sure how much I should tell her, because I'm into more hardcore roleplay, which I'm sure she wouldn't want any part of. Any advice would help right now.

Thanks for replying Alexstrandberg

Tanya in Austria

[Alexstrandberg]

If she trust you and you are congruent it will go fine. The first step is to be ok with it. If you are ok with it she will be ok with it. If she feels your being uncomfortable she will pull back and it will add to her hesitance.

The second step is to tell her what you like. Her natural response will be insecurity. She will think "oh god, am I not enough? do I not please her?" and other stuff like that. Reassure her but not too much. If you spend too much time telling her that she is great she will assume you are lying to her which will make her paranoid.

You are right, start slow. At first you will need to tell her what to do to become more dominant ( I know telling her to tell you what to do). "Grab my hair" "Throw me on the bed" "grab the whip" or whatever you want done to you.

Have her keep going with what you want until she completely loses herself in the moment.

Have her watch porn where one woman dominates the other to get a feel for things.

The biggest obstacle will be handling her insecurities. The way to do that is to get her to make fun of them. If she can laugh about it she can get over it. That way next time she brings the insecurity up you can make fun of her and the problem will go away.

The other night my girlfriend asked me "on a scale from one to ten how good am I?"
I told her "on a scale from one to ten...you're an idiot" in a joking way. She laughed, got a little embarrassed and the insecurity went away.

After she knows what you want you can try a blindfold. It will help her open up more and not be so nervous.

[janice2009]

First open up channels of communication. Once you have that established, relay the what you want to her and hear her out. However, you have to maintain respect, if she says no, its a NO