dominance education for my bf and I

[She_Who_Loves]

Hi All! I am in need of some assistance/resources. I enjoy being tied up, spanked, dominated, hair pulled, rough sex etc and my boyfriend is learning to dominate me.
I'm trying to find ways to explain to him that we could take our scenes further, use more props (like my beloved fur lined ankle cuffs) and toys, without giving him the impression that our sex isn't a wonderful experience. He is amazing in bed (first man with whom I orgasmed). He just has never had a woman who wants to be dominated, and we're trying to find what works for us through experimentation. Right now it seems that when I suggest new ideas or scenes that it does he is disinterested/does not find it sexy or desirable. He expresses interest, has looked at porn/manga-porn/stories about domination, it just seems that he's trapped in the thought that it's all about telling me to shut up and cum, and not much more. We've used some of the resources on the site, like the bdsm quiz. Again, I filled it out, and he read my answers, made some comments but didn't fill it out or talk to me about what he wants. We come from different sexual backgrounds: I"m 25, high libido, bisexual and except for him usually more attracted women. He's 32, has a lower libido, has spent much time in the idea of "straight" sex, strip bars and mainstream/slightly kinky pornography but not bdsm ideas. It should be noted that I enjoy both dominating and being dominated and that he is only attracted to the idea of dominating, never dominated.

Any and all advice is greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!

[Beagle]

It sounds like the two of you are doing everything right. Taking it slow. Be sure and tell him what you told us, that he's the first man who ever gave you an orgasm. Then be sure to tell him that you want to enjoy him in every way possible.

People are much more receptive to ideas if they feel like it's their idea. Any suggestion he makes, act excited and turned on. Let him know he drives you crazy in bed. I'll bet he'll keep getting more adventurous.

His actions will depend on how you respond. When he does something you like, go crazy, tell him how great it is. bite him uncontrollably, etc. This will reward his behavior because guys love to know they're pleasing their lady. Then, I think nature will take it's course.

Have you considered going somewhere you could watch other people play with BDSM? Watching people is a great way to learn.

[Ryan S.]

You just might be, as Beagle said, in the right position. One statement you made rang a big bell with me. The "He's stuck in the thought that it's all just shut up and cum" part. Use it to your advantage. Resist him during sex and make him do it. Play with it, it's what scenes are all about.

Sub from the top. Most subs actually do challenge their Dom to go further by resisting the urge to just give in to whatever smaller challenges the Dom gives them. The subs are actually the ones pushing their own limits, yet the Dom is learning how far he can go or how he has to manipulate the scene at the same time. Funny thing is, the Dom may not even know what's happening til afterwards.

Let him know that doing more in the BDSM realm will/can make you come more. Or more intensely, or both.

It's hard to say whether his ego can take it or not. We have fragile ones as men. But counter that with the fact that he already drives you crazy, just why can't it be more?

You know this, it seems he doesn't. He may be hesitant to become more involved because of the thought he could hurt you if he isn't careful. He may also not know your full limits when it comes to what he can or can't do. Discuss that you want to go farther and that you trust him in keeping it to the right level. Subtle hints don't often work in this situation. Open and frank conversation are the only way accomplish that.

Could be that he's just somewhat lazy too. Not every woman can have an orgasm every time, so if you can and he knows it, he might just think that's all he has to do and not expand on it. A TON of realtionships die in just this way. I think she's happy so why should I do more? Fact of life, we all want more. Snap him out of it. He'll either do this or he won't. Start slow, challenge him. Resist, sub from the Top. See where he takes it from there.

[She_Who_Loves]

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I would like to get involved in our local bdsm community, but I am slightly scared both of my bf's reaction and if I would fit in/be welcome. The latter I know is silly as within my experience most people are completely friendly. I do orgasm almost every time, often more than once. I know he finds that quite reassuring, but it is also a bit of a pain because he expects that I will cum and cum soon into foreplay because especially when we started our relationship that was often the case. Lately it seems that we have less foreplay and more emphasis on me cumming (which makes it harder- normally my mind is off in happy sex play land and then I explode, not thinking "going to orgasm yet").
I am worried about our relationship dying, because we've been having issues about sex lately- mainly that I want more and not of the vanilla kind, and that he is not interested/does not want it as frequently. I'm concerned that part of him just thinks I'm a freak. In our latest discussion about sex, he said that "there must be something wrong with you if you want it that often" to my expression that I would be happy to have sex every day. It's just so good! And I want it with him.
The last time I tried to give some direction from the bottom, he became huffy and snapped "who is in charge here anyway?". We have such a positive relationship- the only reason I shared this part of my sexuality with him is because I've learned I can trust him. I used to try surprising him by waiting by the bed in my collar when he got home from work, but I've given that up lately because when he came in, he would give me a kiss, an appreciative smack on the rump or tweaking of a nipple and then say "maybe later, okay babe" and flip on his computer. When I approach him in provocative outfits/happy bondage items, he does not give me any feedback/ or has said that it just isn't attractive to him, and that he prefers physical touch instead. I don't understand because I know he masturbates to pornographic images.

If I could gain more help? Thank you all.

[Wolfhowl]

Now I might have a slightly unfair advantage, since I know both you and your SO in real life.

From what I know of him, he seems like the kind of guy who was brought up beleiving that he shouldn't express his feeling, and doesn't know how to react when you are trying to have him do just that.

Also, since you have already stated that his libido is not as high as yours, then maybe you would do what guys do when they are in that postion, instead of having him find you in your favorite bondage gear, try doing something that will warm him up, and make him think that the sex later is his idea.

He works a very physically demanding job, try to surprise him with a warm bath and a message. Help him relax, and then he might be more open to your advances. I know a nice message, or anything involving my back can really get my moter running.

About him saying that there is something wrong with you for wanting it so much, well, let me just say that was way out of line. Everyone's sexual drive is differnt, some like to have it just once a week, others daily, other several times a day. You will both have to make adjustments to fine an equlibrim between the two. (And have plenty of toys around when the other just isn't in the mood to play)

Good luck, and if you ever want to talk, you have my Number, I'm always ready to listen.