My wife left after 13 years and i dont know why

[lostsoul]

I have been married for almost 13 years and we have been great together and up to last week we really loved each other but things have been tough with money for about a year and we have been well of for a long time but it really strained our marrage and we have 4 kids and we all are just heart broken she says she hates me and cant stand me i let her go and do what she wants and she is always going out of town with family to the beach and grandmothers house and i watch the kids neither one of is perfect but i thought we would always be together.she had me and the kids removed from our home last night by the police.Our problems started when she started hanging out with the nighbors wife and friends.she went out of town a little over a week ago and we were talking and telling each other how much we love each other then she came home that night mad and left 2 days later. I'm lost can anyone give me any advice on what to do.

[Melody Brooke]

Lostsoul,
Wow. I can certainly see why you would feel lost and confused. She not only dumped you but the kids, too! I feel sad for all of you. Your wife is obviously caught up in her own world right now and you and the kids don't exist for her, really. This suggests of course that she has been in a lot of pain that she has not been able to look at. Unfortunately you are locked out of her world. Sometimes people will do this when they are feeling bad about themselves, perhaps something they have done or feel guilty about, and they blame the other person as a defense mechanism. Friends can sometimes complicate matters because they have their own agenda and can slant how we interpret what is going on.

All you can do is to accept that she is in a lot of pain, too. Remaining out of the Victim place when she has been so horrible to you will be difficult, but just hold on to the reality of what you know about her. You love her and she is not a bad person, but her behavior right now is not so good.

Give her some distance but insist on counseling before you divorce. Most judges these days are for this, I think. Try as much as possible to remain open and curious about what she is feeling. Let her know you know she is hurting right now, too, and that you want to talk when she is ready. But realize that if she chooses to continue to shut you out there is nothing you can do but accept it.

Be very supportive and encouraging of her no matter what. Remaining non-defensive will help her remember who you are and why she loves you.

But whatever you do take care of yourself because your kids really need you right now. Get support through a divorce recovery group or a counselor but do get support. Your kids are depending on you keeping it together while your wife goes through this difficult time.

Good luck and let me know if you guys need some advice about therapists, or any thing else. Get my book to help you understand how the dynamics relationships work.