Jealous!?

[pezimo]

Ok, I broke up with my girlfriend about 3 weeks ago, main reason is because it was a long distance relationship.

Its over :(

thats the link all about the break up.

We decided when we broke up to stay best of friends, we text everyday! but lately shes started to talk to Army guys on facebook and commenting on their pics! I see all of this and its really getting to me! I am really getting jealous and its killing me inside! I seriously do not know why shes talking to army guys?! At times I say, don't bite... shes doing it on purpose to make you jealous... and it works! I told her.. "I see your making friends with some1 from the army!!" and shes like hes in iraq! why you so bothered anyways? etc.. but at other times I'm well we talk everyday, why she even try to make me jealous as I'm here, i speak to her and yes I do want her back... and she knows that.

Shes a very controlling woman and she plays alot of emotional games with me... makes me feel guilty all the time! but I still love her! I want her back but I know it wont work with the distance and as Im at college I cant move to where she lives!

Its killing me inside that she is talking to army guys, i go on her profile... i see this random army dude flirting with her and calling her babes! its bloddy horrible! I need help! please!

[SamIAm]

Pezimo,

I'm very sorry about this. It sounds like quite a difficult situation. My thoughts on this are that if she's controlling and manipulative maybe she's not a healthy partner for you anyway. I had a very close friendship once with a guy who claimed he was madly in love with me (I didn't like him back but I cared about him as a friend), and it ended horribly because I was too naive to see that he was a manipulative jerk who messed around with my emotions and broke his promises and lied and so on and so forth...it was bad news. So if you still believe in the relationship then go for it, I'm not saying it can't work, but please...be careful. I've seen many relationships crash and fail because one or both partners were manipulative and/or controlling.

On another note, while you can't do anything about who she talks to and what she says, if you think that she's just trying to make you jealous, then letting it get to you is probably a bad thing. If she's trying to make you jealous then perhaps she's still interested in you. In that case, acting jealous has the potential to be bad. If I were you, I'd keep talking to her, be her friend, be there for her, and just show her you care about her and that a friendship can still work long-distance (then, perhaps, she'll be more encouraged about a long-distance relationship working). And reminding yourself that she might only be flirting to test you and not because she's actually as interested in those other guys as she seems could help your own jealousy subside quite a bit.

I wish I had more to say that would help you feel better and handle the feelings of jealousy. Hopefully someone else can supply that information.

Good luck friend, and I hope you figure things out.

-SamIAm

[Dan And Jennifer]

Hi Pezimo,

Sorry for your hurt, I definitely sympathize.

First, I'm not sure I see the significance of her getting cozy with army guys vs. firemen or TV newscasters or tech support guys, etc. Seriously, does it really matter?

You guys decided to break it off, but you're both trying to not "break it off" by "staying friends". It's almost impossible to "stay friends" and keep the level of intimacy as before once you so clearly decide to end that level of intimacy. The side effect is exactly hat you're experiencing.

She's moving on, and talking to you like her best friend, not her boyfriend who would be jealous. So, she can be hooking up with whatever guy she chooses since you guys are not together. Maybe she's doing it to push your buttons, maybe not - but it's time for you to "get on or off the ladder" as they say.

Do yourself a favor and back off on the intimacy and "girl talk" you're doing with her. This type of situation where you're almost / kinda stalking the ex girlfriend (yeah, she may want it, but it's weird) is just not healthy.

Find yourself a girl in your area who you can dedicate yourself to 100%. Better yet, go set up a profile on Match.com or even PlentyOfFish right now; take that first step. Show the Universe, the world, whatever that you're ready to move on. We prefer pay dating sites since you know everyone there IS serious enough about meeting someone to actually put their money where their mouth is, but whatever, just pick one and go with it.

This period is very painful, nobody likes to let go of a relationship. But I think you'll find that a local relationship with a real, living human being that you can hold and touch and kiss will be a very, very different experience (and much more fulfilling to your basic human needs).

We're definitely not saying that LDRs (long distance relationships) can't work, but we see them as a bridge between times when you're physically with your partner - not a substitute for a person being next to you. We are all pack animals and need that human contact, that touch, that comfort of having that person truly present. Otherwise you're hurting basically all the time, "almost" having that person there by not quite.

OK, LDR theory aside, get her back or truly set her free, you can't have both. You don't get to say who she should chat with on Facebook, not unless you're her boyfriend. Once you accept that you'll be much happier.

So just to clarify the very fine line there: it's definitely OK to stay "friends", and by all means, be grown up about it and be civil / nice to one another. But don't pretend you're still together if you're not.

Let us know how it goes!!