I Need Help and Advice About My One Night Stand!! How can i get my boyfriend back?

[Lilly]

i was with my ex bf for 2.5 years and he broke up with me for 4 months but.... within that time i had a one night stand with this other guy bc i just needed feel better bout myself, bc my ex really hurt me!!! Soon after that my ex begged me back and we got back together... i feel horrible now bc i never told him wat happen btw me and the other guy... until our last break up 3 months after getting i told him and i hurt him so much for keeping this from him Now its been 6 months that we have been apart... he is still very angry and unforgiving, i have appoligized to him over and over bc i want to be with him bc i love him very much and i donno wat to do bc he says its to hard bc when he sees me he thinks of me with someone else!
Please tell me what you think about my situation.. i no my actions were wrong but the way he broke up with me hurt me... bc he always broke up with me and begged me back afterwards, because he always thought i would be there when he thought things over... except the time when i had sex with the other guy, for some reason i wanted to hurt him from all the times he left me but i hurt him way to much!!

i want to be with him... i'm sorry for what i did... my questions is what do i do, and wat do you think about this?

Thanks, Lilly

[Dan And Jennifer]

That's a rough one. some couples break up and get back together again "at the drop of a hat", i.e. quite frequently.

The problem with that is that we still have needs, so you can't be shocked if you break up with your girlfriend and she gets together with another guy!

Were you wrong to cheat on him?

Well, had you not asked I wouldn't go there, but I don't see where you could be wrong, since you weren't "cheating" on your partner. You were not WITH a partner at the time.

Whether it was a "one night stand" or "7 nights of unending sex" it doesn't really make a darn bit of difference. You weren't together.

That's one downside of breaking up on a whim just from an out of control ego trip (which is what most arguments are at their core - it's all ego, we feed the ego monster with more and more senseless hurt, and forget what really matters!).

Should you tell your partner the honest truth?

Now to the honesty issue, you can't get back together and pretend you weren't with someone else in the meantime, but it IS a delicate situation when getting back together after a break-up... and I can see many people wouldn't really share that "extracurricular adventure" with their partner once they get back together.

But honestly, it's your responsibility to be up front about it. You can't live out of fear - not telling him something because he may get mad. It only gets worse if it gets out later, holding back truth that impacts your relationship just isn't worth it.

So what to do now... sounds like he doesn't want to get back together. Is he mad about you withholding the info, or having sex with another guy? I'd bet his problem is with you seeing another guy - but if you two were really "broken up" then mad or not mad, it's unrealistic to expect your "non-girlfriend" to wait for you to get together again. Same goes for guys in the same situation.

Should you stay with him?

One could argue that lots of relationhips are "dysfunctional" in one way or another, but to be with a guy that breaks up wtih you regularly sounds downright masochictic.

Do you enjoy being afraid that he'll break up with you again if he doesn't like something? As for what to do now... sounds simple: you want to be together, he doesn't. You can either live in misery for months and months on end or move on.

But it may not be that simple...

The REAL question is... what is really at the root of all those arguments? is it ego on both your ends? That's usually the case. Rarely is one party alone responsible for the problems in a relationship.

It would be great if you two could sit down and talk openly and honestly as friends and try to get to the root of what's bothering him. Don't attack him whatever you do, just make it safe and welcoming for hiim to share his true feelings. And same for you. Few couples are mature enough as individuals to really do this, but it's very much worth trying.

If he's open to it, try to see a counselor / relationship therapist together. Having an UNBIASED third party (not a friend of either of you btw) look at this can give you some real insights into the real problems.

If that's not an option, ask yourself (put ego aside) what you could do to avoid arguments and fights... are you giving him ultimatums, are you being overly controlling, etc.? Or is it just not a fit? That IS a possibility.

Barring that, do yourself a favor and get yourself a guy who respects you enough to stay with you through whatever argument / disagreement you may have in the course of your relationship.

Good luck!! Let us know how it goes!

[Lilly]

I'm still confused about this whole situation, why is he not forgiving me... i didn't cheat on him i just lied to him about the other guy bc i was scared that he would break up with me when we got back together! Now everything is in a huge mess bc he even told me he misses me... but its to hard to forgive me!!! is there something i can do that will make him forgive me? I havent been with any other guy since him and i'm holding back on dating or seeing any other person bc i'm waiting for him to forgive me... the reason 4 me waitign for him and not movign on bc last time i tried to do so i went off with someone else not knowing it would end up in one big lie!!

please tell me and help me with my problem

[Dan And Jennifer]

Lilly, understand that it is his right to forgive or to choose not to forgive. Some people choose to carry the burden and pain of a grudge for years, it's a matter of life perspective.

But there is honestly no magical one thing you can say to make him forgive you. People get very hung up on "the one thing I can say to make him to X or Y" when truly most of our communication with others in person is 90% non-verbal.

It's not about what you say, but about whether he still wants to be in a relationship with you. And from what you said it sounds like he's "done", which I know can really hurt, but it may not be changeable.

You guys have been apart for 6 months; I'd be very surprised if he himself is still single after all that time.

Do you two talk regularly as friends? If so, get together as I advised in my previous note and see if you can figure out what was the source of your arguments and fights and see if it can be resolved.

But seriously, 6 months is a long time. If you are still waiting for him to come around and he won't even talk to you, it's time to move on and find someone new.

[Lilly]

6 months that we have been apart we have still been texting eachother all the time... arguing bout the same thing over and over... then we become friendly and meet up to talk and just hang out bc when we see eachother we have fun...but i no deep down he is hurt and it does show that he is bc he always brings it up!! he is single bc he told me that bc he works 24/7 and hangs out with his guy friends!! so he is single!!!
i hurt him so bad, i never meant to do this bc i really do love him! he was my first bf and i was his first gf.. sounds like we are children but am 19 and he is 21

so plz tell me wat you think bout this... he is single... Do you think he is still not over me and he still loves me.. but he doesnt no how to forgive me?

[Dan And Jennifer]

Hmmm... if you guys ARE talking regularly, that's great. And you get together, spend time together, and have fun - that's awesome.

Now build on that, do more of it, and over time you'll get close again.

Whatever you do, stop any type of arguing over phone, email or texting. Highly emotional discussions should only be had in person if at all possible - that's how most arguments start, since it is so easy to say something hurtful or insensitive when you're not there to see and feel the other person.

Read over my answer above again, the part about getting an outside party - a respected friend even - to help you guys figure out the issues. Ideally a relationship therapist, but I don't know if that's really an option for you guys. Oh, and be sure to do it together, always together, never separate counseling. That's fatal to a relationship. Otherwise it's "bitching" to one friend or another about the other person, which is useless at best.

Because at the end of the day you'll have to identify the issues troubling your relationship or they'll keep breaking you up over and over again.

Oh, and check out these videos to give you some ideas and different perspectives on this topic:

Is There Life After Cheating? Can You Survive An Affair?

I'm Leaving You! - Does The Punishment Really Fit The Crime?

Relationship Suck? Need Counseling? Watch this first!

Also as just another option for you, our friend Michael Webb has a guide for "Getting Your Man Back" which could also give you some ideas.

Let us know how it goes!!

[Lilly]

he is really upset and can't forgive me... he said he will go out and have sex with girls... i said that he could do wat ever he wants bc we r not together... and i meant wat i said !!!

as of now like a few hours ago we just fight through text msgs we cant even have a friendship thats how bad this has gotten!!!

i made a huge mistake going off to have sex with this other guy... i would never make the same mistake ever again, i'm waiting for the right guy to come along... or i would like to be with my ex be he wont forgive me....

i was he first gf his first love..... and he was mine to first bf first love

wat i did has hurt him bc doing wat i did not only shocked him but shocked me too!!!

have you heard bout this same kind of situations be4?? if so plz give me more advice... thanks

[Dan And Jennifer]

Originally Posted by Lilly

have you heard bout this same kind of situations be4??

yep, it's amazingly common in fact. it's all ego, on both sides. all you can do is work your way though it. the constant threatening and one-upping is, well, "not helpful" to say the least.

Really don't have anything further to add; be sure you watch the videos i directed you to.

Good luck, with this relationship or the next one, whichever works out.

[Lilly]

thanks for your advice..... i now ill be okay eventually :P