Long Distance but he wants a Break

[Lori In NY]

Hi,

I met my Bf and we dated 2 years before he moved to CA. I'm in NY. Now we are together for 6 yrs total. The long distance has been hard but we managed. The one thing is my bf has never been a big fan of marriage. He is very scared. His parents got divorced at a late age, it was pretty bad. His dad is all messed up and lonely from it. Then he is having issues with his sister who has mental problems. And on top of that he has anxiety and depression since he was 15 and he doesn't know what to do.
A week ago he said he wanted to take a break. Our anniversary is coming up in a month. He just turned 38. He's freaking out. He said he needed time to figure things out. He was supposed to see a therapist to help with depression. I haven't heard from him. It's been a week. I haven't called. I always said if we broke up I couldn't be friends with him because I love him and then that's all I would want is to get him back.
He also said it's been 6 yrs and who doesn't know by then. He is afraid of chnage. His job is in CA but even that he isn't liking. He does however make alot of money. I had offered to move there but he thinks I'll be lonely because his hours are long 14 hr days and I'll have no friends. He always said CA was temporary. But it's been 4 yrs since he's there. What is confusing to me is we just went to his sisters wedding on vacation we had a great time for a week! Then we both went home he left me a voicemail saying hello Mrs. then his name. Then 4 weeks later he freaks out? His bday came after the call.. so now he's 38. Do you think he's realizing he's getting old and he needs to make a decision? Do you think by not talking to me he will realize he misses me? And how long do I wait? He is coming to NY for a visit in another 2 weeks. So should I just wait for his call and give him that space?
He did say as I was crying.. Can't you do this for me?? I just need to figure some things out.
What do you guys think. And sorry so long! I do love him VERY much. We do get along in every other area. Just where to live and the marriage and kids thing. He's afraid of failing or losing all his money to hi sex wife. Can a guy who goes to therepy overcome the fear?

[Yaz]

hi,

There is much chance he will come back to you. It doesn't look like somebody who doesn't like you, he may just have some issues. But you have to be careful to not bother him. He needs space, give him ( I know personally how hard it is). You could contact him from time to time, but I don't think you should be pressing... You can still plan something for the birthday, it may work or may not.

[Lori In NY]

He did say he still loved me .. and I also asked me if he loved me like that.. like sexually he said yes.. I'm not just his "best friend" which he's called me. He also has said I'm his only true friend. Just not during teh break conversation.. but in the previous weeks.. it wasn't that long agao.

He also said he doesnt wantt o think about never talking to me again.

But I had also said to him that I cant be just friends with him if we eventually break up for good. I said this becuase its true. I love him so much and to just be his friend would kill me. maybe in a few yrs I could. Not right away.. I think that scares him a bit.

Its been a week and 2 days since we talked. Ive stayed away. Im not calling unless he calls me. He was supposed to come to NY in 2 weeks so Im gonna wait for that news.

I hope he gets therapy. He needs it. Does anyone know if therapy works? Or is depression or anxiety pills work? I have no clue. My friends husband takes some for anxiety BUT he also sees a therapist once a month. Does anyone know how long it takes to start feeling some relief? I know everyone is different but any info would be great

[Dan And Jennifer]

It sounds to me like this man has serious committment issues and may never want to get married - are you prepared for that? He may change his mind or he may not.

You cannot force him to et therapy and if you're going to be with him, you need to accept him for who he is today, right now. He may change or he may not - you can't fix him.

If you really want to be with him - really be with him, why don't you move to CA on a temporay basis. You can make friends. You can find a job. That's the only way you'll really know.

Now don't jump and move to CA! Just think about it and decide for youself if that's a good idea for you personally. I just can't see a long distance relationship working for the long term. People need physical contact and closeness with those they love.

[Lori In NY]

I know he does have commitment issues. But I think his conclusion is if I want to get married and he doesnt then we will break up. He's felt this way for yrs. It isn't something new.. He always said maybe one day I can do it. The thing is he never said never, about marriage or kids..

The therapy he wanted to do on his own. He mentioned it to me. Noone else knows. I don't know if he'll actually go but hes taking anti depressants that he bought but he didnt see a doctor.. But that was a week ago so I dont know what happened.

I do accept him for who is is. I said Id move to CA.. I have no problem with doing that. He is the one who said not to. Hes afraid I wont like it have no friends, never see him cuz his job is demanding,, that Im gonna break up with him there and cry all the way back to NY.

He always said CA was temp. He's confused. Ive agreed to the break. I wasn't happy. It hurt. Ive never done this before. I'm hoping this break isn't that long .. But I read that it should be 3 months? I may see him in 2 weeks. I don't know what to do or say.

What should my next actions be? Lets say I want this to work out, whats the best way for me not to stress him out more?

And if we are face to face... How do I make him know that I support him?
What if it leads to sex?

should I wait to hear what he says 1st? Should I even ask? Or let him do all the talking?

[Dan And Jennifer]

At this point, I would let him come to you... And when he does, just listen and don't make any demands.

My question for you is: "Are you happy with this arrangement?"

Is this the kind of relationship that you want at this point in your life. Does it make you happy?

If not, then I would back away from this all the way. This guy is not ready for a relationship with anyone.