need help ladies

[some guy you know]

I am married w 2kids, a nice guy, wife is a wonderful woman. Been seperated for years at a time due to my profession. We are two opposite personalities that have drifted apart and now make one another miserable. What do I do…. “stay with one you hate” “self destruct”

[stephen]

Question i have what brought you together. See what happened from there. Sounds like you need to have sometime togather with out the kids. Discuss everything in your and hers life and see where you both went wrong. Communicate with her about everything.

[brbrhej]

I really like stephen's answer. I guess if talking to each other does nto really go well, you can still ask for counceling...sometimes that heps too. I guess you feel it is time to clarify the situation you have with your wife and eather go back and build it anew of move on. Good luck with making decisions.

[theresa]

it may be a bad situation all around but it is your situation and you are used to it.im sure also somewhere there is a certain romaticism in knowing two people who cant get along still manage to not kill each other.......but you forgot one thing....the kids...your job is not just to keep them from getting run over by a car before they are 13.youre supposed to be teaching them how to dress ,how to respect authority,how to do homework ,how to fish AND how to form relationships.....divorce is not a bad thing in itself,it is the damage the divorcing parents do that is the problem....if you do not show your children what a normal adult relationship looks like they will model their relationships on the only example they have been shown....so are you giving them a good model?

[Beagle]

Originally Posted by some guy you know

I am married w 2kids, a nice guy, wife is a wonderful woman. . What do I do…. “stay with one you hate” “self destruct”

I'm going to agree with the previous posts. It sounds like you and she had something very positive at one time. Maybe you need to look at what you and she were doing that produced that quality of relationship.

The way you word your final question suggests that you've restricted the possibilities you've considered. There are many alternatives. First, you don't know know, or you don't say, how she feels. I think giving up on this marriage is a little premature.

You and she need to have this conversation. There are a lot of things you presumably haven't tried yet. One is one of the get-away weekends for couples that are offered by some of the faith-based organizations such as Conferences - Smalley Relationship Center Those may not be, and probably aren't, the entire solution, but they can definitely get you and she talking about where you want to go from here. I think getting someone to help you and she talk though this could help considerably. For example, a pastoral counselor or professional relationship counselor could help.

The popular notion is that if you just do whatever makes you happy, the kids will be fine. Unfortunately, as we have data coming in from the post-marriage generation, we're seeing that that isn't the case. While many children of divorce adjust fine, many have scars both directly and indirectly from the divorce. A child of divorced parents is more likely to live in poverty, be less educated, more likely to be convicted of delinquent behavior, and, most frightening, more likely to be physically and sexually abused. I'll insert a link to a book that references the statistics contained above.

I know that sometimes divorces need to happen-violence, addiction, criminal behavior- in order to protect the children. Since that doesn't seem to be the case here, I think you need to step back and consider your children in this. Let me recommend a couple of very well-researched books before you make a decision.


Among couples who reach the point of divorce but don't, in five years 85% of them describes their marriages as "happy." Amazon.com: Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem: David Blankenhorn: Books and Amazon.com: Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce: Elizabeth Marquardt: Books The second book is accounts by children regarding how they were, and are, affected by their parents divorce.

I hope you consider this information before making a decision that will not only impact you, but your wife and children, and everyone around you, as well. In a situation like this, it's important to make sure you are considering all the facts, not just those that support your conclusion.

Thank you for writing. I'm glad you're taking the time to think this through before making a life-altering decision. I think there is a lot to be tried before you give up on this marriage, however.