I am entangled in an emotional web..how to get out of it???

[Chits]

Hi,

I had been seeing a married man for past 8 months. I am unmarried but engaged. It was like i knew i am doing something wrong but still was doing it. We had decided that we will not give our loved once any pain and will break off with consent if it starts getting complicated. We were involved in every way...As the time passed by we started realizing that we are getting so damn emotionally envolved that staying without each other looked almost impossible. We had so much in common that we thought as if we are made for each other. But that was not the reality. Whenever we used to make love, guilt pangs start to hit me badly. Then i used to decide that i will break away but could never be able to do that. We used to work in the same office and used to be with each other for 12 hrs in day. He has a family with a wife and a kid. I made friends with his wife too though never felt comfortable in her company.

But one day i decided that it is never going to go any where and now i need to end it. I changed the city. Now i work in same company but in different location. Now i am with my fiancee. Initially i used to talk to him over phone. He used to say that he cant leave his family but wants to keep me as well in his life. But during conversations i used to shout at him and used to ask him to come to me and marry me if he still wants to be in touch with me.Though deep down in my heart i never wanted distroy his family. After that i stopped talking to him completely. Now i don't talk to him, don't take his calls, don't text him. I have thrown all his gifts and ended friendship with all the common friends. But i still miss those times that i have shared with him. I still miss talking to him and his loving me. I still miss those days. Those memories are haunting me and not letting me to come out of it. I have a fiancee who loves me and cares for me but i am not able to reciprocate his feelings. He gave me marriage proposal and i refused and asked for some more time. I dont want to hurt my fiancee in any way but at the same time i dont want to marry him right now. Please help me out as i am stuck in this emotional web.

[Beagle]

The first thing you need to do is build a support network of friends who will help you through this. You need to tell them that you have been involved in a very toxic relationship and you need help to keep you from getting in touch with him. Make sure these are assertive friends who will tell you "don't do it."

I have never seen a relationship that started in deception end in anything but pain for everyone involved. The married guy doesn't care about you and he probably doesn't care about anyone but himself. The sad truth here is he's using you to meet his needs. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you need people around you to tell you what's real, not what you want to hear. The only honorable thing to do here is to break off contact with him totally and permanently. A wound can't heal if you keep tearing it open by talking to him. You're not the first young woman to be roped into a situation like this. Actually, you're probably not the first he has roped into this situation. You've got a player on your hands.

Regarding your current boyfriend, I think you have to judge that relationship on it's own merit. Right now, you're comparing him to the married guy and he's coming up short. Time to start looking at that relationship for what it is, for good or bad. Above all, have honor and don't be going behind his back to talk to this last player. Your current guy deserves better than that.

[YourEternalRest]

Sooner or later, you should tell your fiance about what you did. I don't recommend doing it now but at the same time, you shouldn't do it after you get married either. You've already cheated on your relationship with your fiance and the fact that you can't forget about the married man shows that you're not committed to your fiance.

[Chits]

I don't feel for my fiance and thats why i don't want to marry him right now. At the same time i feel he is nice guy and he deserves much more. I have realized that the more i spend time with him the more i realize how wrong i was. I don't need to break his heart by telling him what i did but at the same time i am not being able to feel for him the same as i used to when i fell for him. Now i am in dilemma whether i shall continue with him as breaking up will afffect two families or i end this relationship. I am so confused that i am not being able to take any decision right now.

[YourEternalRest]

I'm going to tackle the family issue first and give you my opinion on it. If you're thinking that you need to stay with your fiance because you're worried his and your family, stop. This is a decision you need to make for yourself, not for your family and not for his family. You mention the two families so I can tell that you feel that family is very important to you. I'm not saying that family shouldn't be considered important but the focus is on you, not them. You need to do what feels is right for YOU.

You're having an extremely difficult time letting go of the wrongdoing you did with the married man. That's why you feel like you are not worthy of him. If you've admitted your faults and you can forget about what you've done in the past, then you would have an easier time moving on. However, I sense that you still cannot let go of this married man and what you two have done up to this point.

[Chits]

So..Shall i tell my fiance about this fling of mine or wait for the time to heal the wound and then tell him. Its been only six days that i have stopped talking to this other guy. I am in this new city from past 20 days and i have no plans to return to the old city now. My mind says that i should try not to think about this other guy(MM) now and focus on what i have. Yesterday i picked up his call(MM) by mistake but i told him that i don't want to talk to him now forever. Also i was thinking that i should give some time to this present relationship of mine as earlier i was in a different city and we were apart. Please validate my thoughts...am i thinking on correct lines????

[YourEternalRest]

I can't tell you when the best time is to tell your fiance. If you're serious about marrying him someday, you will know. I'd also recommend changing your phone number because it seems like the married man won't easily forget about you.

[Chits]

Since the time i posted this thread i have not been talking to this MM..now there is twist...He told his wife about we..it was on the eve his birthday...that is on 26th..27th was his birthday and i did'nt call him..i got a call in the evening from his wife to wish him as he was in a very bad shape. His wife told me that he is not keeping well(not eating properly..smoking badly and all) since the time i cut contact with him. She told me that he really loves me and i should start speaking to him. After speaking to his wife i called him up and wished him but i was not in a state of being nice to him as we were not talking for almost three weeks. On the night of his birthday he was with his wife and other friends. He overdrank and started speaking about me in front of everybody. Now almost all of his frinds got to know about me. His wife again called me up and told me the entire scene. She asked me to think about him, talk to him and try to bring him out from this dire state. But i am here in another city. I am in a fix now what to do...please help

[Beagle]

I need a little more information:

I'm confused about what his wife is wanting, and I'm going to bet you're a little confused about it to. My first question is "What is his wife wanting to happen where you are concerned?" What does she think will result from you talking to him? Is she desperate to try to help him or is she interested in some form of open relationship?

He's a big boy and guys get broken up with every day. If he's in this bad of shape, he needs an appointment with a doctor to see if he needs to be on an antidepressant. It's also possible he's playing the sympathy card.

Be very wary of any situation where you're supposed to be "helping" him. It's very easy to get manipulated that way. Dating and social work just don't mix.

[Chits]

His wife called me up because he was in a very bad shape and she wanted to help him out.She told me that she is not happy with him and she is more happy when he is not around. I spoke to him and told him to come over and meet me. I told him that lets take a decision this time. He told me that he is scared and all and it would not be a good idea to come over as i and my fiance are in this city and he might come to know about it. I told him that i would tell my fiance about it as he is still in dark and doesn't know anything about it. He told me not to tell him right now as it could worsen the situation. He told me that he wants to stay alone in a different appartment(away from his wife and kid) for some time and see what he actually wants in life.
Now the problem is if i agree to him i would not be on anyside of the river and would keep on sailing without getting onto anywhere. Neither i would be sure that he would come to me nor would i be sure of the detachment with him as i would be emotionally invested...