ex boyfriend complications!

[Confuzzled?!]

Hello,

A few weeks ago I think (I have no time perception, sorry ) I broke up with a boyfriend I had over the summer. What happened was that I realized my feelings for him weren't real, but sort of a rebound I suppose. I really really wanted the relationship to work and I tried so hard, but it just didn't for some reason. Once I realized that the reason was because I didn't have any real romantic feelings for him (I only thought he was physically attractive which is nowhere near enough for a girl like me) I broke it off immediately because that's what I would want someone to do if it were me.

Instead of saying "you were a rebound" I said, "this is a transitional part of my life and it's not a time for me to start a new relationship" This was the truth, maybe not the whole truth but, enough of it. I really had no business in a relationship unless it was with someone I ALREADY formed a bond with prior to the heartbreak I experienced over another Joe.

Anyways, I broke up with him. Obviously (since we only dated over the summer) we stayed friends. Or at least intended to. The problem is, now that I'm not trying so desperately to fall in love with him, I realized that I don't even like him. He's... well... he's not much of an intellectual, that's for sure. Also, I don't like to talk. Everything I say to him I have to repeat at least 3 times for him to understand. He talks very loud when we're in public among many other things. Basically, he just sort of annoys me.

I've been seeing him lately when I'm hanging out with other friends and he happens to be around. The last time this happened, he sent me a message on Facebook asking me why I was acting so weird and that he thought we were supposed to stay friends because he wanted to. I apologized and said I wanted to as well. Then he proceeded to ask me to go out with him again and I calmly declined. He asked me why I broke up with him (which I had already had to explain to him twice before ) and he said ok and that he still wanted to be friends.

I said okay, but the problem is that I don't really want to be his friend because I don't really like him as a person very much. How in the world could you ever tell someone something like that? I don't think there's a nice way to do that. I don't want to be mean, but, to be honest I don't enjoy his company. Usually, when I find someone annoying I ignore them so I don't say anything mean or hurtful in responds to something they do that annoys me. This is what I try to do with him, but when I do it he just complains that I'm not paying attention to him.

I've never been on the giving end of rejection. How do I handle this?

[Beagle]

You have just made a major life discovery: That compatibility is a necessary ingredient for friendship and romance.

Romantic love has two necessary ingredients: Chemistry and compatibility. If you have compatibility without chemistry, then you're friends. People that are totally incompatible can have great chemistry, and those are the relationships that drive us totally crazy. It sounds like you and he didn't have either, you were just looking for someone to date. We've all been in that situation. In college, I dated a girl and we both knew we didn't have chemistry or compatibility. She was pretty, and we both wanted someone to date and take to events. This is typical.

Lovers remaining friends generally only happens in sitcoms. In reality, it's one person, usually the dumpee, wanting to hang on after the relationship is dead. in reality, it just keeps that person from completing the grieving process and beginning the healing process. Every time he sees you is just reopening the wound. And yes, it is a wound; there's no way around that. However, once you realize that this isn't what you want in a relationship it is kinder to do this now than later, when he becomes even more attached.

IQ is a big compatibility factor. If couples are mismatched on intelligence, the divorce rate is much higher. People run into the same thing that you're describing. I would attribute that as one of the major factors in my own divorce. I wish I had figured out what you have realized years ago.

As crazy as it sounds, the kindest thing to do is just to tell him that this isn't what you want. Don't blame him and don't blame yourself. Just tell him that this isn't what you want and break it off. It will hurt him more now, but less in the wrong run. There is simply no way to avoid the fact that this will hurt him, but I also know that he can't heal as long as the wound keeps being reopened.

I hope this helps. Breaking up is never easy and most people don't want to be cruel. Sometimes a relationship appears to have promise and we find out that there is something about the other person that we just can't live with. And that's OK, that's the way it is supposed to work. Now that you know that, you need to go ahead and end it. Staying in a relationship that isn't what you want is unfair to you and him.

[Confuzzled?!]

Thank you for your responds!

It's very hard to tell someone that you don't want to be their friend especially when you're in such close proximity and share some of the same friends. I know I'm going to keep running into him, so I want to end things civilly and avoid the whole teenaged-drama bid.

If I tell him I don't want to really be friends and hang out with him he's going to ask why. "I don't know," doesn't seem sufficient and "I don't like you," seems a bit harsh. I refuse to lie, but I just don't know how to put the truth nicely.

[Beagle]

How about "I know that you want more than friendship, and I think it's just going to keep on hurting you worse if we continue to see each other, even as friends."

[Confuzzled?!]

That's good!

That's true!

That's perfect!

Thank you so much.