Looking for a way back into his heart!

[sara82]

I dated a guy at the end of the summer of 2008 for a very short time, about 1 month. Within that time we got very close, we'd talk daily, we saw eachother about twice a week (he lived an hour away from me), and during that time he NEVER gave me any doubt about his feelings for me, told me constantly how much he cared. Well, one evening he came over to spend some time with me after work, and, I'll admit I didn't have a good day at work and instead of talking to him about it....I bullied him, tore him to shreds, made him feel horrible, kind of "nicked picked" and told him everything he was doing wrong. He was a good guy though and stuck it out with me till about 10pm that evening. The next day of course, he was very upset with me...told me he felt bullied and attacked all night...which I understand, I said I was sorry, but of course at that point the damage had been done. He already started pulling away, he was distant and cold, and by the next week he broke up with me.
Over the next few months, I tried my best to reconcile, but he was just so angry with me and the way i treated him, i just got the occasional text message saying "hey how are you?" but that was pretty much it, he barely has contact with me and refused to talk to me on the phone at all. Well, after his angry wore off...he started to come around a little bit. He'd text more often...but still no calling. He kept wanting an answer as too why I upset him so much, and if I really cared about him...why would I attack him. All valid questions and I tried my best to answer them, but trying to defend myself only through text message seemed pointless.
Over the last few months though, things are just getting frustrating. He'll text every couple of days, say he wants to seem me, flirt like mad, send pictures, and so on but nothing ever comes of it. He did tell me right before New Years that he didn't want to be with anyone he was just looking for a "hook-up". Yet in January he ended up dating someone very briefly...like about 2 weeks, then when that was over the random text message to me came back about wanting to see me, but nothing ever coming from it. Throughout this entire time....I let him come to me, I never text him or talk to him on the phone unless he starts it, he usually can go only about 2 weeks without some sort of contact.
Well this past week, I actually got to see him...he made me dinner. When we were together it was like it had been originally...it was awesome. He was the sweet, caring, great guy I remember last summer. We had dinner together...and he asked if I would like to go hiking with him that weekend, I said great. Well the weekend came and he ended up standing me up.
My question to all of you is this....what does he want???? I know he's stringing me along...but this back and forth, maybe he wants me, then maybe he doesn't want to see me is killing me. I love spending time with the guy, but if he'd keeping me in his back pocket until something better comes along...well thats just mean. Or is it more he just doesn't know what he wants??? What do you all think??? Please advise!!!
One more thing, in his defense...I do know that he's been screwed over and cheated on a lot by previous girlfriends. I'm not justifying his behavior and what he did to me, but I do understand he has trust issues. He did tell me when i saw him recently that he understands he has a problem of pulling away...he wants to get close to people, but then he begins to think and have doubts and he ends up pulling away to not get hurt. Yet when we were together, he kissed me...told me he missed me, and his "butterflies were back" (he always used to tell me he got butterflies in his stomach when I was around) I'm not sure if he's just telling me that for an excuse...or if he's really being honest with me.
Yet in my defense...I'm not his previous girlfriends, yeah I hurt his feelings, and made him feel bad one evening, but that was ONE TIME!!!! After that one day he completely shut me out and pulled away.

[Beagle]

Obviously, this is a very complex situation. I have a couple of thoughts.

1. I'm not hearing you say what has changed that would keep the situation that created the problem from arising again. When people break up, there is a reason. I'm not hearing what has changed that would make you compatible now.

2. I'm hearing that you're more focused on "defending myself" than communicating. I didn't see where you and he have communicated about this. Instead of defending yourself, you might want to try listening.

3. I think you need to open the conversation by telling him just like you told us.

4. I'm wondering if you don't tend to be just a little self-centered. That may be something you need to look at in yourself. That's a negative trait that I also have, and it has definitely surfaced in relationships at times. If that is the case and you can become more aware of it then you can minimize the negative impact it can have on relationships.

5. No matter how you acted, that doesn't justify him standing you up. You need to let him know how you feel about that.

6. Have you just told him "I had a bad day and I took it out on you and I'm sorry. Please forgive me."?

7. Have you heard from him since the "stand up?"

[Xero]

I'm going to start off with his stand up.

I would suggest asking him what happened. This should be done over the phone or in person, text will not cut it. Its too un-attached he won't be able to read how you are feeling from it. He might think you are mad even if you do say your not. Phone call or in person meeting should be done to get the answer. Don't be hostile about it either it might have been an accident.

My next part is to go and apologize for flipping out on him the one day. This must be done in person, no phone or text for this one.

The next thing would to be see what happens from both of these. You are going to have to do these two things before you can move on and possibly have a relationship with him.

To me you don't come off that self centered as Beagle stated but you need to consider more things than you normally would with a relationship. I'm not sure if you have had past relationships, but you should be concerned about the other person as well.

My best suggestion would be to put all your cards on the table when meeting him in person, and discuss what has happened between you two. Then you can take your lives from there and see what happens.

[sara82]

To Beagle and Xero, thank you both for your insight.

Beagle, to answer your questions. Yes! I too a lot of the times feel like i'm doing a lot more of "defending myself" vs. communicating with him. Yet...a lot of the time especially early after our bad night there was a lot of text from him....and all I could do was defend myself. It would just be a constant stream of text with "Why did you treat me like that?" and "I felt like I was being attacked all night, all you did was make fun of me". So...I admit...at the time, and still I do still feel like all i'm doing is defending myself, because he in a way continues to bring up the past and what I did and made him felt that night.

I'm tired of living in the shadows of mistakes I made in the past.

I have told him, on may different occasions that i'm sorry that I hurt him, please forgive me, but I don't seem to be making a difference. I feel like a broken record sometimes.

It's hard to make suffciant headway when he won't even give me the opition to talk on the phone or in person. If I atempt to talk with him over the phone...he won't answer. I've talked to him twice since this whole thing happened over the phone, my only choice is text as the only way of communicating.

He still texts....all initated by him. Just the same random stuff. "Hey how are you, and what have you been up too".

I did discover about 4 months ago, that he's dating someone. I know my only choice now is too wait for this relationship too end before even considering that maybe I have a chance of a reconciliation with him. His girlfriend writes cutesy little messages on his wall, and he responds. Yet he's still texting me asking how i'm doing. I even got the nerve to text him one time saying "I found you on facebook, glad you seem so happy" and his response was "At times I am, but we argue a lot".