My Boyfriend Thinks I Am His Bank Account!

[Michelle from Pittsburgh]

And he has been unemployed for the last ten months, claims he is attempting to find a job, but I know he's not. I have seen no evidence that he is looking for work. He has not gone to any job fairs, has not spoken of any specific companies and/or positions he has applied for, let alone gone on any interviews. He is currently on unemployment. I know he is waiting for his unemployment to run out, so that he can apply for Social Security (He's 61, I'm 36), move out of his apartment and then move in with me, still drive his fancy Jaguar, wear his fancy designer clothes, and expect me to foot the bill! He isn't looking for a job for himself, but yet has the gall to show me some ads and tell me they look like good second jobs for me! Hey, honey, since when did my career choices become your decision, when you can't even take responsibility for your own? How am I going to have a life if I work two jobs? I already work a full-time, come home to take care of a house, a yard, two cats and myself, and find it stressful at times. He makes comments like, "I knew you were a rich girl. Why don't you send some of that money my way 'cause I'm unemployed." He has said this line so many times, it's no longer a joke to me. He thinks I have money because I am young and working. I may work at a bank, but that doesn't mean I am the bank. I need to break up with this guy. I know he is with me for all the wrong reasons. I am young and still desire marriage and kids. He is divorced, has a daughter who is 28 years old, and thinks kids are "brats". To me, kids are kids, not brats. He has the attitude of "Been there, done that". For me it's, "Wants to be there, wants to do that", but certainly not with this guy. The decision is "Do I want to be possibly changing an old man's diapers in a few years, or do I want to be changing my little baby's diapers in a few years?" I choose the latter. It's much easier and much more enjoyable. How do I tell this guy I want to break it off permanently with him?

[Winny]

Wow, ya you need to break up with this guy!!! How do you tell him? Well, frankly, I don't think you need to beat around the bush with him. I wouldn't do it over the phone or email, but face to face, be honest and direct. Your level of tact would depend on how well he has treated you. What ever you do, just walk away and don't look back. You are young still and you don't need to waste anymore time with him. I'm not an expert, but you should take care of yourself and your needs - for your own sanity. A relationship should be give and take - from your post, I only see him taking, not giving. I'd do this before you're dealing with him having to find a place to stay - namely yours.

[scarbowl]

How do you tell him? Easy, don't call him, don't answer his calls, don't answer his emails, no text messaging. Do you recall the song words "there must be 50 ways to leave your lover"? Paul Simon, I think.

You just have to steel yourself up and do this. Do not waver. Move if you have to. Change your phone numbers, change your email, install a block on your phone, etc etc.

[Beagle]

I agree with Scarbowl and Winny. I am going to say that I think there's more to the story here. There's a reason you haven't already given this guy his walking papers...

[Michelle from Pittsburgh]

Right now, I have started taking time away from him, not calling him, not answering the phone, not responding to his emails, not emailing him either, just taking time to think about how I am going to handle this when I meet with him face to face. I will have to do that - he has stuff of his in my house that I need to take back to him. He never asked if he could leave it there either. He is calling me right now as I write this - I am not picking up the phone. I will not give in to him. I will get a backbone. I am so angry at him right now, thinking about the way he is treating me. He can be so nice and gentlemanly. But, I am now wondering, was his affections towards me sincere? Was he just putting up a front because he had other reasons for hanging on to me, like using me for a bank account, so he can retire (even though he claims he is looking for a job)? I have been used and deceived.

A couple months ago, he showed me a catalog of Bobby Chan clothing, picked out an $80 shirt, and said that this is what he wants me to get him for Christmas. I don't even buy $80 gifts for myself for Christmas, or even my parents. My parents understand that because they know I need the money right now, that I cannot afford it. Again, he wants to live a lavish lifestyle without having to earn what it takes to live that lifestyle. He thinks I earn what it takes to live that lifestyle, but I don't.

I don't know why I have stayed with him for as long as I have. Maybe I have been naive. Maybe I thought initially he cared until I started to see his selfishness surface. Maybe I have too soft a heart, feeling sorry for him at first, but am now realizing he is the cause of his own problems, and I shouldn't be obligated to help him.

[Beagle]

I suspect that he has been manipulating you in ways you may not even be conscious of. Sometimes, people find out where we're vulnerable, and play on that to get control of us. SOmetimes, we aren't even conscious that it's happening.

[Michelle from Pittsburgh]

What I wish I could say to his face:

"My first name is Michelle, but my middle name is not National, and my last name certainly is not Bank. But since you think my name is Michelle National Bank, as President/CEO, I must inform you that your application for a checking account with me has been denied. And that box of checks you ordered has been cancelled. That loan application has been denied as well. Michelle National Bank has a very strict policy about who opens an account here, and your credit history and employment history do not meet my standards. I have to watch my bottom line here, and you would be a liability to my bottom line. You have a extensive history of overdrawing your checking account, and taking out loans and not repaying them. I cannot have that happen here at Michelle National Bank. I am sorry, but I cannot do business with you. You will need to take your business elsewhere."

How's that for a breakup speech???

[Beagle]

I'm not a big fan of sarcasm in emotionally charged situations. How about "Our relationship just isn't what I want for the long haul. I've decided that I don't want us to continue seeing each other."

[Michelle from Pittsburgh]

I know my speech would be rather harsh and cold - that speech was only what I wish I could say, but would not say. Just trying to have a sense of humor about it.

Your line sums it up perfectly, minus the harshness and coldness.

Thank you.

Michelle

[Beagle]

You're welcome. be sure to stand firm. Have your support system lined up for when you start remembering the times he made you feel good. Make sure they're there to remind you why you broke up in the first place.