A Long story but I need some advice/help on break-ups and reuniting!

[Rayro]

Hello Dan and Jennifer,



I've been in it pretty rough lately when it comes to relationships. I was recently broken up with by my girlfriend Ashley. A week before ending it she told me that she would "no matter what, always find a way to work out things between us" because I "meant everything to her"; she "would never give up on us". Seven days later I asked her to have a "talk" with me (I had an issue I needed to address) and she used the opportunity to tell me she didn't want to be with me anymore after our 1 1/2 years. Though secretly shattered and broken, I took the news like a man; I didn't yell, I didn't get mad, I didn't complain. I simply told her that I did not want to end things but it is out of my hands to control her decision and if that is what she truly wanted then I wouldn't stand in her way. Her reason was that we fought too often about other guys. Admittedly I became a jealous person towards the end of the relationship (though I have never been jealous in any relationship before this) but she also confessed that she had done certain things in the relationship that would warrant jealousy in anyone. So essentially we both admitted our mistakes and in her eyes there was no way to work through them.



She tried to make amends by asking if we would remain friends, and I meekly told her that down the road I was sure we would be fine. After convincing myself that I would never get over Ashley fully (she was an absolute Goddess, think Elisha Cuthbert in the girl next door with Martha Stewart home making skills and a Jenna Jameson sex drive) I met Kristine during a drunk night out with some supportive friends only a few weeks after my heart was broken. She is a very attractive, interesting, and successful individual. We exchanged numbers and went out on a few dates. Things went well between us and we had a lot of fun together, I started to think less about my ex and it was a nice change. I am tentative though to enter a new relationship and am taking things slow.



Now, about 6 months before all of this fiasco happened a pal and I scheduled a 2 month long trip to Thailand and some surrounding nations. I thought it would be positive for my relationship at the time, you know the old "distance makes the heart grow fonder" mentality. Due to the break up though this trip changed roles and now became a well-timed vacation that would allow me to forget about things back home. I had a new girl to think about while I was gone and all the distance in the world to forget about the old one. The only hitch was that one day prior to leaving I recieved an email from my ex Ashley that proceeded to royally mess with my mind. Laced with such statements as "I will miss you, you'll always hold a place in my heart", "I know this was the right decision for me right now, I'm sorry", "I can never know what may happen between us down the road but I promise you I will never say 'never' about us", "I don't intend to hold onto anything that has happened between us", "you are a great guy and were an awesome boyfriend, and I know you will always get what you want in life", and other such contradicting confessions I hade no idea what to make of this letter. I am ashamed to say I used it as my cue to profess my love for her and my wish that we could get back together. To this she responded by cementing her position that she could not be with me, she had completely closed herself to any feelings for me. Needless to say thoughts about her occupied a large portion of my down time in between adventures on this trip. Without a reminder of my new interest Kristine I was doomed to dwell on my ex. Love hurts.



I am now back home, I sternly asked my ex to stop emailing me after her last refusal of my love 1 week into my trip. I told her that if she truly wanted to be friends then I would need a lot of time away from her before I could see her in a light existing outside of a serious relationship. She didn't try to initiate any contact with me after that. An important fact I have failed to mention is that my best friend Devon is engaged to her older sister Emily (ironically enough they met through Ashley and I) which means that I have a continuous reminder of what is going on in her life. Though Ashley tended to be a habitual relationship hopper by definition, I was surprised to find out from Devon that Ashley had been dating many different guys on the short term as of late, a male model here, a rugby player there, maybe the odd fitness instructor, but had yet to engage in any sort of sexual activity with them using the excuse that they were "bad kissers" or "too hung up on ex girlfriends", etc. which seemed a little strange to me. Knowing her I understand that she equates sex with being in a relationship, therefore isn't pursuing these guys beyond a few dates/nights of kissing. He also told me that she had been bringing me up more than usual and asking about me casually in conversation; "is he back from his trip?", "have you seen the pictures, how do they look", "do you think he will call me when he gets back?", etc. This newfound interest in my activities as well as a continual sighting of "deal breakers" in these new guys caught my curiousity and attention. I am now perplexed. I haven't really been spending time with Kristine since I have come back from my trip, though I know she is still highly interested. I'm not sure where my interest levels are at anymore. To add to it I feel my thoughts continually wandering towards my ex, wondering if I would be able to start something new. It's been just over 3 months since Ashley ended it with me, and I've been casually dating Kristine for about 2 1/2 months (though I was gone for half of that time).


My strategy right now is just to take things nice and slow with Kristine and enjoy my time with her. My ex isn't going anywhere, I know that, though she may date other guys and enter into new relationships. I also understand that I will essentially have a life long connection to her through my best friend and her sister's relationship (in fact in a very cheesey chick flick fashion her and I will probably stand opposite eachother as best man and maid of honour in their wedding). I personally believe the main reason it didn't work was that we were both just too young (we are only in our early early twenties) to get more serious than we were; I was ready to try but I think she was scared. I know that she did truly love me, it wasn't puppy love because we had both said "I love you" in other relationships and no past relationship compared to this one for either of us. We broke up amicably and we both agreed that right now, it wasn't going to work but that if in the future we realized that happiness was with eachother then we wouldn't hesitate to try again. I know now though that I still want to be with her though and my trip made me realize that. I like Kristine but she's moving to the other side of the world in a few months (so there is no real emotional investment for me). I know that I love Ashley though, and even after 3 months those feelings are still here.

One last thing, I decided to initiate casual contact with her about a week ago when I returned from my trip. She told me before I left that she still wanted to see all my pictures and hear all the stories. I sent her a small text message stating that I was still alive and safely home from my trip. She responded with a longer one telling me all about her life right now but made no comment about other guys. I responded then saying things sound good with her and jokingly asked if she missed me. She responded very simply that yes she did, a lot. I ended the messages by saying that sometime soon we should get in touch and go out for a coffee, catch up on things; she agreed it would be a great idea. And I have left it at that, I haven't called or talked to her since. I've done some reading and talked to friends, everyone seems to say the same thing. Let her know that you are awesome without her, go and meet new people, and if she comes back to you then it shows she still cares and has realized what she gave up, and if she doesn't then maybe it wasn't meant to be. Or at least not for now. Things will work out the way they are supposed to in the end they say.



So Dan and Jennifer, there lies my problems. What do I do? Do I sound like I'm being logical? Is there a better way to go about getting her back or should I use my method of just waiting things out and letting her come back to me. I don't want to push her away by confessing my undying love but I also don't want to act so content with myself that I make her think there is no way I would ever want to be back with her. I also don't want to go and become friends and set myself into the "friend-zone" where she loses all ability to look at me romantically. Do you think she is still attracted to me, still interested, regretting her decision perhaps? I'm really mixed up on this one, I'm usually such a strong confident guy with a good plan of action in life. I've never been dumped before though, so this is something new for me. For the record I am not acting out of desperation here either, or some need to redeem my pride in my own eyes by getting her back. The fact is that I know I do love her, but that I don't NEED her. I just really WANT her. I could find other girls to be with easily, I just really loved being with her.



If you've made it through this long winded thread I applaud you, I apologize for it's tedious nature but I really wanted to get it all out there so people can give me honest, educated opinions. Thanks in advance to anyone who gives me some advice, ANYONE, it is appreciated greatly.

Sincerely,
Ray
(one really confused, heart broken guy)

[Dan And Jennifer]

Hi Ray...

You are in a tough situation, but it's good that you are parting ways on good terms. Even if the relationship didn't work out, you seem to have the makings of a really great long term friendship.

I do feel that it's time to move on and forget any thoughts of continuing the romantic relationship at this time. I would even take some time away - and you already know this - to give yourself time to heal. It's really hard to get over a heart break when the source of your heart break is sending emails every day.

You will not likely ever forget or get over her and here's the catch... That's OK. It's OK to keep loving her. For some reason people in our society think that when you break up with someone, you have to hate them. This actually a poor attempt to make our egos feel better and justify why the other person no longer wants to be with us.

But relationships have many dynamics and facets. If one or two of those things don't line up, then the relationship may break up or change forms, but it doesn't suddenly make the other person bad or evil.

On the jealousy thing at the end, I predict that you were feeling it slipping away and were trying to hold on tighter. We tend to know things are happening sooner in our heart than our mind is willing to accept. That's why I always tell people to listen to their hearts...

It also sounds like she's a little confused at the moment... She know you had a good thing and the new guys that she's dating may not be fulfilling her emotional needs as well as your relationship was. But until she figures out what she wants, I would stay clear because this is a recipe for a serious roller coaster relationship ride.

[Rayro]

Hey Dan and Jennifer,

Just an update on the situation! Well we went for coffee about a week after I posted that initial response. Essentially the same was said in person, we both have feelings for eachother still, we both find eachother attractive and we both want the best for eachother; the only problem is we both agree that we weren't able to be good to eachother in a relationship at this point in our lives and we're unsure whether that will ever change. There was a lot of flirting, it was really strange. It wasn't awkward at all though, it all felt very natural. We talked about such things as why we never had break up sex and how we would probably end up hooking up with eachother if we ever ran into eachother drunk at a bar, and we made jokes about a lot of old things that happened between us, it was nice. We actually decided to promise eachother that if anywhere down the road (unless one or both of us have a ring on our fingers) that if one of us has our feelings come back we won't hesitate to tell the other. After a hug goodbye (which I made sort of awkward by instinctively half leaning in for a kiss and then pulling back, which we had a good laugh about) that was it. We haven't talked in person since, I sent her a text message asking if she wanted to maybe get out and do something, go for a walk, see a movie, whatever; she responded that she didn't feel she was ready for that sort of situation yet. I told her that is totally fine and that I'm not planning on dissappearing anywhere any time soon and that she had my number. Remember also that in a few years (yeah they are planning a long engagement) that I will be most likely standing opposite her as bridemaid while I'm bestman for my best friend at his and Ashley's sister's wedding.

Now, this weekend that just passed, I went to a concert with a few girls and guy friend of mine and low and behold, who do I run into at the concert but my ex girlfriend on a double date. Keep in mind how ironic this is because there are literally thousands of people at this concert though the band playing was one of our favorites. Now my ex girlfriend has very high standards in men (not to sound arrogant) but the guy she was with was hardly anyone I would expect her to ever really be with. Let me say he must have had an amazing personality. Now this was a really big out door concert so we were all spending time in the beer gardens when I spotted her, her date and their accompanying couple. They were probably a good 40 yards away from us, but for some unknown reason they all got up and decided to move to the table right next to us, not 10 feet away. I was there alone with just a guy friend (the girls were all in line for drinks) when they came up, and she proceeded to act really flirty and into this new guy and seemed to take no notice of me (I was trying not to look over). After about 5 minutes the 5 girls that we were with came and joined us bringing over all the beers they bought and after that point (according to one of the girls I was with) my ex and even her date would not stop looking over at me/us every 15 seconds it seemed. After a few songs like this they all decided to leave and walk away while I stayed with my group of friends. Her date and her came up just strolling along next to eachother but when they left she tried to awkwardly hold her hand. My best judgement makes me think it was a first, maybe second date. Let me also tell you that the 5 girls I with are all very attractive girls, one or two of which she was sort of jealous of during the relationship. They are all friends and strictly friends however and she knows that. I decided to be the bigger man and text her after she left, I told her that I saw her and that I wasn't sure if she had seen me (though I know she did) and that I apologize for not coming over to say hi but I didn't want to make anything awkward for her or her date. She ignored the text until the next morning to which she replied that she had seen me, but just as she was leaving and that she was also sorry that she had not tried to say hi. That was it for texting, I didn't write her back at all.

Now, as for me and Kristine (the girl I had been dating): well I broke up with her not too long after I posted this thread. I realized that I was still caught up in an ex and that is was not fair to her so I decided to end it before things got worse. She took it well and we are on good terms now. I am currently single but dating around with a few girls, just extremely casually. I'm not sure if my ex is dating around casually or is seriously seeing/interested in that guy she was with. I have no idea at all as to her situation. I have tried to cut myself off from her completely, mainly I have been telling my friend engaged to her sister not to give me any more news at all about her situation. I'm still trying really hard to move on but I'm finding I still miss her every day, almost 4 months without her and it's not getting easier. I'm not sad really anymore, just remorseful that the situation didn't work out. I don't hate her by anymeans, I still do love her and I probably always will. I have stopped thinking that by some sort of manner I will be able to change her mind and bring her back. I know that every attempt I try to get her to come back to me essentially serves as a means to push her further away. I haven't put away they idea though that someday we may reunite. I know how much she loved me, I've never had someone talk about marriage and children with me before, she had never discussed it before either but she did with me. I'm not intending to sit around and wait for her to realize what she is missing though, but I will be open to her if she does have something to tell me. Depending on the circumstances and my situation in life, I would probably heavy consider trying to start something again once we have matured independently. I don't know if this will ever happen. All of my friends and family seem to think she'll be coming back to me some day after she experiences a lot of the jerks out in the world (I treated her amazing and poured my heart into our relationship; it was the first relationship where I didn't put myself first, I wanted to do everything for her), I'm not so sure. I'm trying to take your advice and just accept that it won't happen and move on. That way if she doesn't come back I won't be dissappointed. And if she does come back she will be a welcome surprise, things will have happen naturally as they are supposed to, and this time we'd be really able to see if it's worth giving it another go.

Love is such a difficult thing. I went through my life before her really just abusing girls' feelings in relationships, never really caring, and just getting what I wanted. I honestly have to say I was really immature and not a good person when it came to relationships and love. If I never get this girl back, I can at least be happy that she changed me, I will never go back to those ways now that I have experienced true heart ache.

Thank you for responding to my last post Dan and Jennifer, your advice of just setting her free to do her own thing is the best advice I have recieved to date. I guess it just goes with that old addage, if you love something let it go right? If she comes back to me I'll know it was true and meant to be. And if not, well I'm a 22 year old soon to be dentist right? Haha, I'll find someone I'm sure. I just wanted to give you and update on my situation. If you wouldn't mind maybe trying to interpret some of her actions since my last post that would be absolutely fantastic because they have confused me, though I am still sticking to my guns on moving on until she tries to make a move, if she ever does.

Sincerely,
Rayro

[Nancy in Chicago]

Rayro:

First off, I want to commend you for your maturity. You write as if you were far older than you are. Its refreshing.

Now, I'm somewhat in a similar situation except I'm her. I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 weeks ago and I'm miserable. I love him dearly. I've cried until I can't cry anymore, I've tried everything to try and focus on other things but its impossible to get him out of my head. The first thing that comes to mind when I wake up is him. Its horrible!

Let me give you a little background on our relationship and then I hope I can give you an answer to your dilema.

We had been dating for 2 1/2 wonderful years. There were issues in our relationship that needed working out and we tried to work them out. I think I had issues with him more than he had with me.

Anyway, I over reacted one day and broke up with him. This is how: I pretended like everything was okay and then after he left for a meeting, I packed up ALL my stuff and left (No I didn't live with him but had a closet and drawers with my clothes and belongings). I also knew that he would be calling me when he was on his way back to see if I needed anything so I forwarded my cell phone (we only used our cell phones) to a number I knew was not in service. (I once told him that when I met a guy and he turned me off, I would purposly forward my phone to a disconnected number for a day or two so the guy wouldn't call me anymore - this of course was when I was dating before him).

Well, 3 weeks have passed and I haven't heard from him. I have friends that tell me, call him. Try and talk to him. But I feel like I made a statement by doing what I did and if he really truly loved me, he would come looking for me. Also, I am a firm believer that men should pursue women, not the other way around.

I wish he would call me and tell me that he loves me and that he wants to work it out. I wouldn't think twice. I would be there.

As I was reading both your posts, you kind of reminded me of him. Mr. Cool and Collected. He too only had casual relationships before me. He even told me not to long ago that he felt that God was going to punish him for how he treated women. That now that he wants to settle down, that's when he's going to get hurt. I don't really know what he meant by that. He wanted to settle down with me or just settle down???

Sorry, I'm going in a different direction. I guess what I am trying to say to you is that if that is the woman that you want to be with, you need to go looking for her and talk to her before its too late. If she feels like I do then she will never come back to you, she'll be waiting for you to come back to her. Am I making any sense? I hope so because the if it was mean to be, it will be theory you have going doesn't always work that way. Someone has to be the one to make the first move.

You don't have anything to loose and much to gain. I wish I was in her position and he felt for me as you feel for her.

Good luck. Please keep me/us posted.

[Rayro]

Hey Nancy,

Firstly, thanks for the maturity compliment, I appreciate that very much. Now, I'll give you guys an update on my situtation right now. Well, the girl I loved is now in a committed relationship with that guy that I saw her on a date with. Apparently he treats her well and that's good enough for me, I am truly happy for her if she is finding what she wants in life. She seems happy enough. I haven't talked to her since that text message exchanged after I saw her on that date, it's been about a month since then.

Do I still love her? Yes. Do I think if her and I got together right now that things would work out? Not a Chance. It's a hard thing to accept that (at least for the time being) you can't be with the person you love. I do fully believe though that the if love we had was really true and really meant to be, things will work out in the end. Until then I'm just trying to be a good person and enjoy myself and my time with other people that aren't her. I've found someone new, a med student who is so independent and free, it's inspiring. I really feel that in this life we all have the ability to love more than one person; I really loved my ex girlfriend, fully and unconditionally, but maybe it's time for me to love someone else now. Maybe down the road I'll find love again with my ex and maybe not! The point is that is exactly what the beauty of life is right? You never know what to expect, and that's what makes it exciting. I've learned not to dwell. Oh, and when we did first break up, for the first month or two I really tried to let her know how I felt and told her I wanted to work things out but it served to push her away. I guess I could have committed some last ditch, movie-like, act of grand romance to win her back, but I decided not to; I want someone who will be with me because she wants to be, not because I had to pull some awe inspiring act to win her over.

Now, I'll try and offer some counter advice for you. Three weeks is nothing, if this guy is anything like I was, he is praying every night that you'll call or text or email him saying you want to meet or get back together. But remember, he has also read every piece of guy related advice and material saying "play it cool, make her miss you, and she'll come back". If you really love him and think he would take you back (or are unsure whether he would or not but still feel the risk is worth the reward) then you need to take your own advice and make the first move. In the end, if you guys are happy together a year down the road from now, no one is going to care who had to get back who to make it work. I made my effort and it didn't pan out, now I'm just waiting in life for a situation with her to present itself with her again or an opportunity with someone new. Life goes on though!

Now, if by chance he doesn't want to work things out or get back together, it'll be okay in the end whatever happens. From my first post to now I realize how much I have changed, accepted the situation, have become okay with it, and now in fact draw positives from it. Whatever happens, you sound like a strong person and I'm sure you'll be just fine.

This response was kind of scattered, I apologize for that! Hope the advice is somewhat okay and I thank you for caring about my situation. It's really funny, I hadn't been on here since I posted my update, today is the first time I have logged in since then, pretty good timing since your post occurred today!

[Nancy in Chicago]

Rayo:

You are amazing!! Thank you for the advice. I'm glad that you feel the way you do. I guess at this point there is nothing that you can do. Yes you are right, now I can agree with you since you say she has someone in her life. If things are meant to be they will be.

I'm going to keep reading your response for inspiration. I'm actually happy that timing was just right for your reply.

Take care of yourself.

[ferguson]

Drop her a line, tell her to not approach you again until she realises what she really wants.

From what you said, it is clear that you want her more than anyone else in the world, the only obstacle was that she is constantly making you jealous and then using the excuse of you being jealous to break up with you.

Like Dan and Jen said, she is very confused right now, to protect yourself and for her to make up her mind will take time, it might be months, and even years.

Til then I would say you should stay away from her, tell your best friend and her sister about this situation if you think they can be trusted.

You know you won't forget her anyway but staying away and completely cutting her off will reduce the chances of you thinking of her.

Take care.

That is how you slowly rebuild your confidence.