lack-a-nookie...is it me? or them? or the situation?

[heartbrokencanadian]

My main issue in my past 2 long term relationships was the lack of physical intimacy. I THOUGHT I did what it took to make the girlfriend comfortable, supported, and loved, and logically that told me we would also have more intimacy as a natural result. In the last relationship I've been told by my ex that her intimacy drive is definitely lower than mine, but the main issue with the lack of intimacy /affection was her "not feeling close to me" due to all the fighting, and that I didn't give her enough support /listen enough. is this all MY fault? am I that bad of a person? I tried telling her how much it meant to me, but besides physicality it was the lack of intimacy and affection, feeling that she actually WANTED me.and not just through words. it is apparent now that she doesn't but that's another topic. it was amazing for the first 3 months and I would think it is normal to slow down the physical a bit after that, but after 8 months or so it REALLY went down hill, her saying she didn't feel close, listened too etc. I can admit I wasnt the easiest person at THAT time, I was selfish due to huge issues at work, and could have shoulda would have worked on MY issues. that being said, as the relationship progressed I DID work on them, and then SHE started to go downhill. I listened, but not until recently did I realize what women mean when they say "listen".ie: don't talk or offer suggestions, just smile, nod, and don't give advice, tell them itl be ok., shoulda learned that earlier. she blames the lack of affection etc on me being too needy, which to some extent is true, but the more she pulls away, the more needy I got, and then angry, and then cold, "what is the point" and id have to ASK for sex, no man should have to do that, am I right? should it also be the man constantly the one initiating things? and don't get me wrong, I was all about pleasing her, and I understood at times if she wasnt feelin it and I was, but there were far too many times.YOUR thoughts?
Update: as a side note, how often would you women out there ideally want to make love in a week with your partner? if you weren't up to it and he was would you "help him out"? and visa versa?
i DID try my best to be there for her, make her a priority and listen but it wasnt good enuff. did try several times to give echother our 'own time'..and believe be, she always had 4+orgasms before mine because i love to please, and i last a long time. i wasnt just missing sex, it was the affection that SHOWS me love that i never really got and always made me question her love for me.........is the lack of intimacy etc MY fault?

also to mention, i DID complain at times, but for the most part I talked to her about it and what it meant to me...just didnt seem to matter since she didnt feel close and held a grudge against me for not being the best boyfriend for a years time(selfish, insecure at times)but I owned it and worked on it, and am better today

[Mac]

It's not you brother, it's women. Can't live with em, can't live without them!

Seriously thought you're having issues that are all to common for many couples. The fact of the matter is, at least in my house, (depending on the type of woman you have) usually women like and enjoy it when a man initiates sex. Initiating it 100% of the time isn't that big of a deal trust me. As often as 4-5 times a week and of course we have our off times where a week can possibly go by without any intimacy. For the most part, women don't like clingy partners. Here's a big psychological hint of truth behind that. We all want what we cannot have.

Let that sink in for a second then think about it. Now I'm not suggesting that you play hard to get or even do any of those ridiculous mind games because to be blunt, that's reserved for high school kiddies. One thing that I've learned over my years is the way men and women communicate and keep score is very wild and different as we each have our own gender specific mind sets. Communications and interpretation of each other's actions can be huge, so can sex, and so is personality.

Men and Women keep score differently. A man gives big time points for big things, and typically a man is going to naturally think like his own gender set and think BIG. We buy our ladies big gifts like diamonds and gold jewelry, or take them to big time dates and dinners at fancy restaurants. We tend to believe this gets us outta the dog house in some occasions. But nothing could be further from the truth. See women think generally much different. They keep score like a woman and give points for individual things all being relevant to 1. Do the dishes for her, 1 point. Give her a back massage, 1 point. Buy her a diamond necklace, 1 point.

See the point? (no pun intended haha)

Now a man, who keeps score with his own gender mind set will give a woman HUGE points for something big such as she buys him a plasma T.V. or tickets to his favorite ballgame. Not only does the woman earn like 50 points but the man will always remember her for this and bring it up as he brags to his friends over and over again.

On the other hand a woman will not keep score the same way, the man buys her expensive jewelry and the following week thinking that's he's set for at least a month or two she complains "why dont' you ever buy me flowers anymore?" Man responds, "WHAT?! I just got you a gold necklace, like LAST WEEK!!!!"

See how these arguments start? We simply do not keep scores the same way as the other sex does. Understanding this mind set that the majority of men and women use to "keep score" will make for successful relationships.

The cold and distant feelings and the ever growing indifference towards you can probably be fixed very easily and the initiation of sex might or might not be the issue here. I know in my situation it's always 100% myself and expected that way to be the initiate. Sometimes the lines of communication break down without any sudden realization of it because it happens so gradually that when things "blow up" we're often left wondering wtf just happened right?

If you first and foremost try to understand some of the mind sets men and women have then play off those to your advantage I bet you will find some success down the line there. Play on the "we want what we can't have" a tad bit and see if this has any effect. Make yourself "appear" indifferent for a day and see what effect that has on her. Maybe she will be peaked by curiosity of your sudden drop of clingy-ness and needs.

There's a whole slew of things you can use to your advantage right now, just give a few tries at something totally different.

Rooting for you,
Mac

[heartbrokencanadian]

mac, while i agree men and women DO think and act differently, i know a big issues is that for about a yr i was less than perfect, needy, selfish and insecure due to work falling apart and really struggling in my life...as a result she pulled away (naturally) and in turn that fueled the neediness,.however i found out she was holding that against me saying she was "burnt out" etc and for approx the last 8mnths or so i was really workingn on myself and not stooping to those levels anymore, but too litttle too late and it just didnt work. in turn SHE went through her own stage recently of depression, not caring about what she looks like etc, and worst of all not being supportive of me trying to lose weight by eating junk in front of me and always turning down invitations to go out for a walk, bike, etc. she did congradulate me when i was successful etc tho. its over now, i realize i just wastn that happy in our relationship nor was she, and now im just in my angry stage. id just like to know that the lack of sex isnt all MY fault, and that there are women out there that arent "slu tz" and still have a high sex drive

[Dan And Jennifer]

We all have different sex drives and they can fluctuate wildly over the years. The key thing is to be able to talk about it and work through the highs and the lows - together.

And yes, there are definitely women out there who like to have sex - a lot!

Stop trying to put blame on either or you. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. It just is... When we get into the 'blame game', things can go down hill very quickly, whether or not you express these feelings of blame to your partner.

Also, I know it's a challenge not to keep score - I used to be really bad at it and am still working on that issue. But if you can just accept things as they are, right now, today, and apply what you've learned to your next relationship, it'll go more smoothly.

As far as her being insensitive to your weight loss goals, all you can do is communicate how that makes you feel. Yeah, this is a tough one for men, but you have to keep it about your feelings and not attack her for not doing what you ask. you cannot control another persons actions, emotions, or feelings. You'll just get frustrated trying!