My husband looks at porn, a lot of porn, I want him to look at me, not other women.. .help

[Candi]

Thanks. I tried watching it with initially, and it just didn't go over well. I guess it was because I was in the wrong mind set. I just always thought even if we would watch it together that I wasn't the one who was making him hot. So we stopped doing that, and thats when he started doing it on his own time. Of course he got busted. So I thought maybe if started lookin at porn, with out him, he would get pissed like me. Well, no he didn't but, I started liking it a lot. So long story short is, he doesn't do it much anymore, and if he does, we do it together mostly. Or at least tell each other about it, and its primarily for things to help us during sex. So its seems ok now, but it does still get to me at times. Thanks so much for your advice.

[scarbowl]

I've never done a survey but I imagine that most guy - married or otherwise - look at porn. It isn't about our girlfriends or wives not being enough. I love looking at women's naked bodies. I also masturbate to porn even when I'm "getting enough" from my wife. It isn't about her. No matter how much sex we have I'll still masturbate.

I encourage you to just accept it and not take it as a personal insult. It's better if he doesn't have to hide it. He has probably always looked at porn, by the way, and it isn't something he started recently.

[Candi]

I am sure he looked at porn before we met, during and now that we are married. He is a very horny guy. I have to come to terms that it is in a guys nature. I have to ask, what is it about porn, or another womens' body that guys are so drooling over? I have to just try to understand what goes through his mind, so I can come to terms with it.

Thanks again.

[Beagle]

Candi: I know I"m coming into this late, but I'd like to throw out a guys perspective. I think that women feel we are comparing them to the women in the porn. That men look at porn because we aren't satisfied with the woman we're with. I can assure you that nothing is further from the truth. Men are very visual creatures. We are programmed to look at attractive women, especially their bodies. We don't get excited about romance novels the way women do. This is because women's minds are pre-programmed to think about relationships. We are just more visual in nature.

My experience is that visual stimulation for guys meets largely the same need as descriptions of intense and passionate relationships do for women. Let's face it, when's the last time you say a bunch of guys crying uncontrollably at a love song. Women pick out the relationship elements, men pick out the visual elements.

Pornography is basically ubiquitous in our society, and in all societies. It has even been found painted in buildings in ancient roman towns. According to national geographic, pornographic drawings were even preserved when Pompeii was buried in volcanic ash. The fact that pornography exists over such a long period of time and in so many different cultures tells me that is is rooted very deep in our natures. Our fathers and grandfathers had calendars on their walls at work, but the advent of the internet has brought it to women's attention. The pool of men who NEVER look at pornography is pretty small.

I'm afraid if you resist him strongly on this, he will just begin doing it secretly. I'm not sure this is what you want. The best approach may be just to accept "Boys will be boys" and let this one slide. If you make him feel guilty, I think you just may compound the problem and push him away. He's really not comparing you to the girls in it.

[xartorin_swe]

Originally Posted by Beagle

I'm afraid if you resist him strongly on this, he will just begin doing it secretly. I'm not sure this is what you want. The best approach may be just to accept "Boys will be boys" and let this one slide. If you make him feel guilty, I think you just may compound the problem and push him away. He's really not comparing you to the girls in it.

Hmm ... "Boys will be boys "
ok there is some things that i can agree to in that post but not all !!!

Ok i can´t see a reason to look at porn if my loved one says no

i get this feeling that she should accept it like there is ok that " boys will be boys "
Bad reason i think !!

Yes of course it almost every boy/man have watched porn some time

But it does not mean that it is okey if
She does not accept it !

I think Candy got it better now if i don´t get it wrong ?

[Candi]

Beagle- Thank you so much for the input, that helps me a lot. I have a habit of watching him look at those porn chicks and think, he likes that pussy better or those tits better. But from what your saying, that is not the case. I like to realize what actually men think of. So i can be on that level with him. Thank you so much! At first I did tell him not to, but he was hiding it. It was a huge battle, I felt very betrayed when he did that. Almost cheated on, so no, I don't want him doing that. Now, we watch it mostly together, and like I've said before, I started lookin at porn, for the sake of pissing him off. I started actually liking it just because of different ways to have sex, and different things I can try or "we" can try.

xartorin_swe-- I used to think its not ok for him to look at it because I was against it. However, he is horny horny horny, and I am horny horny horny. However, I needed to understand exactly why he was watching it. Was it because of the girls? or was it because he wants to make the sex better then ever? I am not against it really at this point. Thanks for the advice!

[Beagle]

Candi: I think this has been a really good discussion. You should consider doing a post, an article, on your experiences and what you've learned. I bet there are a lot of women experiencing exactly the same thing. I bet a lot of people could be helped by you sharing your experience.

[Candi]

Beagle- I am not quite sure how to do that, but I would LOVE to. I am out to help anyone out, from my experiences!!! Did you happen to see my other issue? I am not sure if have replied to it or not, but it was about masturbation and of course a masturbation issue with my husband? Your advice is awesome, and if you haven't replied already, please do!!!! Also, get back to me on how to do this article thing

[Beagle]

Candi: Just start a new thread and give it a title reflecting that it's your experience. You might want to ask "Has anyone else had this experience?" It might kick off a really good discussion.

I haven't seen your other post, but I;ll look for it.

[Blackcat13]

First thing that comes to mind... It's not about you. Don't make it about you, because it's about him and wanting to enjoy what he likes. Porn is an outlet, a primarily physical one that should not be allowed to affect your relationship. It's not something he's doing with intent to harm you, just to satify his personal desires.

It's not about who he's watching, or about not getting enough. Sometimes it's simply a matter of convenience.

If it bothers you alot explain to him how and why. Maybe even make rules with him about it, but do not ever try to compare yourself to a picture or video. Men don't think like we do, they just don't, and there are somethings alot of women just will never get. Porn is one of those things we're often at odds with, some people of both sexes think it's great, some it just doesn't click for, but very rarely is it emotional.

If it becomes enough of a problem to actually interfer with your relationship then you might need more help then in th bedroom, but if it's just about him wanting to get off, then don't take it seriously. There are times when it could just be a matter of avalibity. Ask yourself a couple of questions to figure out if it's a problem.

1) Does he perfer porn to you?
2) Does he need it to get pleasure?

From what you've said both of those are a no answer. That in mind, it's not about you not pleasing him, therefore it shouldn't bother you. It looks like you are pleasing him most of the time and that porn is just a quick fix. As long as it never becomes more then a quick fix then don't worry over it.