No sex in 6 years & now he is watching porn without me. No sex to follow.

[OR Cherry]

We have been married for 8 years and for the past 6 there has been no sex. I had thought because of age there may be a physical problem but he won't go there. Says he never had this problem before and that he just doesn't want to make love. There is also no intimacy. I told him that snuggling or touch would be enough. One day I walked in and found him on line watching porn. His response was that he just wants to see "hard bodies". I suggested that we watch together (to get things going) but that is not what he wants to do. I want to understand and still deal with feelings of rejection.

[Beagle]

OR Cherry: What a terrible situation to find yourself in. It sounds like you are feeling rejected because you are being rejected. There's not enough information to identify why. One possibility is that he has developed impotence and is trying to hide it from you. A second possibility is that he has developed a compulsive problem with porn. A third is that he is suffering clinical depression. A fourth is that there are problems in the marriage that extend beyond the bedroom, at least in his perception. A fifth possibility is that there is someone else.

Ultimately, he is the only one who knows the reason for his behavior. Therefore, my only advice is just to pick a low-stress time, when you are composed and calm, and tell him you need to understand what's going on. In order for that to have a chance of working, you have to be totally calm and prepared to hear whatever he has to say. If he sees you're upset, chances are he'll say whatever he thinks will make you feel better. If you want the truth, you have to be accepting and willing to handle whatever comes up. This is one of those situations where you shouldn't ask if you don't really want to know the answer.

A marriage counselor might help the two of you talk though this, but it's a long shot. I have asked clients why they were acting the way they were and they told me directly, where they wouldn't tell their husband or wife. That works only to the extent that both parties are willing to make it work. If he blatantly refuses to talk with you about it, then your choices become making peace with his behavior or leaving the marriage. You can really help him only to the extent he is willing to be helped.

If you find he is willing to talk, and you are willing to gather more information, this is a good place to get feedback on how to respond. It's anonymous, and you can bet you and he aren't the only one's dealing with whatever issue it turns out to be. I don't think you'll be able to do anything to improve the situation until you know what the exact nature of the problem is, and you can get that only with his cooperation.

[OR Cherry]

We each came into this marriage with pasts. He from a 20+marriage. I had been a divorced single parent for years, children grown and out of the home. I had married again and after 3 years he died of a heart attack. We've each been on our own and independent. I know that even though a couple may have been raised with similar backgrounds it takes effort to keep in touch and connected.

[vibrator]

A lot of guys may be shy about watch porn with a women, because they may feel many women don't really like porn. But if you can find out what type of porn he is watching and then perform that kind of porn with him. This may get things going. Good luck.