How do I deal with my boyfriend's roaming eyes?

[Kelley in Minneapolis]

Yes, you guessed it, this is another porn question. On a personal note, I just needed to get my concern off my chest. I have been sick to my stomach thinking about this, and I don't know who to talk to.

First of all, he and I have not been intimate for 5 months now. He doesn't kiss me or seem interested in touching me anymore. He would rather watch on-line porn and masturbate instead. Shame on me, but I did a search history on his labtop, and saw how often he watches it. It's quite frequent. Almost everyday for hours at a time. He lost his job, and is at home during the day while I am at work. I noticed the timeline, and he will literally wait until I walk out of the house to go to work and then proceed to jump on. I am so sorry that I ever looked this information up. It is haunting me. I don't believe he knows that I know about this. I am relatively computer savvy, and have cleared my searches. I feel ashamed to admit that I spied on him, but we have been going through so much in life lately. His unemployment, potential foreclosure on the house, just stress in general and it seems all we do is argue. I know that financial stress can either make or break a relationship, but why does he have to resort to porn? Is looking at a hot woman considered a healthy escape? I think he may have viewed a few live web cams and engaged in live sex chats. Is there a borderline here for cheating? It would be different if we had sex too, but all of the pornstars get more attention than I do. In adidition, he seems to like teen porn, Asian porn, and Latino women. Should a 38 year old man be looking at teens having sex? I can't help but feel insecure and less of a woman because he is viewing all of the things that I am not. I am 35 years old, and I am 5'9", weighing 140 lbs. I am not the skinny little thing I used to be.

I just don't know how to approach this situation. I know I made a mistake and invaded his privacy. But, how can I fix this? I am not sure talking to him will work. I have a feeling he will get a little upset at me for what I have done. I am too ashamed to tell him. Any suggestions for this pathetic little woman...me?

Thank you.

[JelloTranz]

You now have information you didn’t wish you had, which is always a possibility when snooping. Unfortunately you can’t “Un Know” what you now know so you’re going to have to deal with it in some way.

I would probably be much more concerned about his complete lack of intimacy rather than his porn watching habits. Porn can and is a healthy thing when done in moderation, but it should NEVER replace ones partner.

Now you can obviously confront him on his porn watching activities, but you are probably right, he will become defensive and angry that you snooped. Having said that, you have the right to expect certain things from your relationship, and from the sounds of it, things such as kissing, touching and sex in general he is no longer fulfilling and they seem like things that you require.

Now I understand the whole financial issue, but there are plenty of couples out there in financial crisis who still are intimate so that’s not a valid excuse for what he is doing.

So… Don’t take the porn thing personally!! It has nothing to do with you, how you look, or your abilities as a partner. This is HIS problem, not yours…. You really have 2 options.... Live with it, which would suck and it will only lead to you becoming more and more convinced that you are somehow inferior to these “Porn Women” or confront him on his lack of intimacy. You can leave out the whole porn thing if you want, he doesn’t have to know that you snooped. I would sit him down and tell him that his lack of intimacy is not acceptable even with the current financial status.. Hell, since he is not working he should have more time and energy for you and your relationship. It’s all fine good and great to stay with someone though a rough time, but they have to be working on fixing the issues during this time, not put you and your sexual relationship on hold permanently until he decides to address the real issue.

I wouldn’t just let this go, if it’s been 5 months already, it will be 2 years before you know it, and if these things are really important to you, it will eventually build a resentment that won’t be easy to undo. Also do you want to wait 2 years only to discover that he won’t change and that you have to leave him over it? Better to figure this out now.

On a final note.. I am going to repeat this one last thing.. This is an issue with him and not you. Your part in this is to bring up the lack of sex and its effects on you emotionally and see if there is a way to correct the problem. You do not want to be one of those people writing on one of the Sexless Marriage sites talking about how it’s been 15 months since you last had sex!