I love my girlfriend but...need serious help here.

[Michele in Kentucky]

Xero is right about the grass always being greener. I just worry that it's greener and it's not your lawn yet. If you had been married for a while and were having these feelings, I'd agree. But you keep having them about the same girl and again I stress, the dating part is the easiest. If you're alredy having these feelings and you're just dating, it gets harder when you're married. When you add all the stress of bills, maybe kids, etc., it gets harder. As Xero said, it's okay to look, but not touch, but you keep looking at the same girl. Also, I've been cheated on with both ex's, so you have to keep that in mind when I give you advice, but and emotional affair hurts just as much as physical one...sometimes I think more. I think I could have handled a one night stand easier than I could knowing that they were talking about things that were important to him and to her and sharing other important issues, but he wasn't with me. I felt like an old favorite toy traded in for a shinier new model. Really think about how you would feel if the situations were reversed and the one thing I have really learned is don't cry over the what-if's, truly think about the what-ares. During my last divorce I realized I was crying over all the might have beens not the things that actually were. Think about the things you actually have together now, not in the past, and don't think about what you could have with her, but wat you do have with her. I truly believe marriage is difficult and requires a great deal of work and committment, but if it's this much work now, is it really worth it. Take what both Xero and I have said, mull it around, but in the end you have to be the one to make the decision, and like I said, don't stay just because it's too difficult to make the decision or you would hurt her, if that's your reason, you'll hurt her worse by staying in the long run. Michele in KY

[JEBB2201]

well guys, I've been talking with some people: some trustable friends, my father and even my own Gf about this. and allow me to say that at least I feel i'm really figuring out the problem: its more like at the beggining you know how everything is perfect and all that, but now i'm seeing all the things and the real way she is, so now i'm insecure because i don't know now if i can see us together in the future. it's frustrating cuz until a certain time ago, i felt sure about that, so it's like a shock. What bothers me the most, is the fact that i still can't feel you know "special" or "this is it" way with her. we went out on friday and it was a good day cause we were celebrating our anniversary, but i still didn't feel that...so i talked to her about this and we got to a point were we decided we'd try. I actually wanted that, because i really want to try: i don't know maybe it's a moment thing or something, but if it continues, i'll probably have to call off this relationship.
I felt really bad about myself cuz she told me she really loved me, and she really does i can tell that her love is that way, it's way more sincere than mine, and i really feel bad because: she loves me just the way I am, why can't i do the same? she's an awesome girl and she loves me, and i'm not perfect at all, so why can't i do the same for her?
the problem with her is that she has certain selfstime issues that we've been battling from the very begging of the relationship, and she tends to be kind of emotinally dependant, besides sometimes we have certain things that sometimes create conflicts between us and that hurts us, certain differences between the way we are I'd say: that's why i still don't feel sure about us now. i think we might hurt ourselves badly in the future and if we still don't have that "connection" well, it turns really difficult for me to se us together.
so i've decided this: we are gonna try. if we see that this is not going anywhere during the next month or so, well then we'll have to take separate ways.
and guys for the last time: about this other girl, it's not a big deal. i think it's kinda my fault for saying it the way i did. It was just a crush, no big deal. believe me, it was for the spare of the moment thing. probably brought by the "greener lawn" thing, so let's not get too much into that, when it's actually not worth it. i apologize if i made it look worse that it actually was. sorry for that, my mistake.
my deal now is: how i get back that security i had and that connection i used to feel. if anyone could suggest something it would be nice.
thanks for all the help.

[Xero]

Don't jump too quickly on the gun this time with this "special feeling" issue.

I had the same problem once. I'll Link you to where I finally found out that it was actually there the whole time. It may be the same for you or way different, but you really need to think this one through long and hard before you make a decision to break up.

Problems always come up in a relationship, and you can't really hold that against some one. Just address them and try to grow from them and make things better.

Take a few minutes and read my post. See if it can be applied to you. Somthing I learned today

This is because you won't know what you have right now until its really gone.

[Beagle]

Jebb: I've read through this entire post, and I think you're getting some really excellent advice from Michelle and Xero. What you are describing is very common, if not universal. This statement caught my eye:

"whoa...am i really gonna be with her forever?"

The unspoken, and probably unconscious conclusion to that statement is "Someone better might come along." I once broke up with a girl because of those very same feelings. Looking back, I jumped the gun.

My best advice to you is that you don't have to make a decision this second. One of my friends from Japan uses the analogy of allowing muddy water to settle until it becomes clear again. I agree with you that it sounds like you've got some "grass is greener" thinking going on. You want to make sure you're not chasing the excitement of a new relationship. Because your new relationship will sooner or later become your old relationship.

I agree with Michelle; don't cheat. End it before that happens. I would give it some time and see what my feelings are. I think everyone goes through those feelings at one point or another.

You might want to consider if you aren't spending too much time together.

[JEBB2201]

guys these last few weeks haven't been well at all. we barely talk to each other and it's difficult to be around each other. this is not a relationship! even though we keep talking about the situation it's like this isn't going anywhere cuz...
she told me she loved me, but do i really love her? she loves me with all my flaws, but...i don't love her the same way. I really feel awful, cuz i know her feelings are honest, but i don't think she deserves being with someone who doesn't really love her back in the same way, therefore I'm not the right guy for her, cuz she should be with someone who really loves her completely.
We've both made mistakes here: we both compromised too soon into this and kind of thought this was it. at the begininng everything was fine. we 've had certain problems but somehow we made it through them, but they keep coming again and again and it was like running into the same rock again and again, and some time ago i started seeing the whole picture: there were things between us that just really fit, attitudes that constantly clashed and that's why we kept having those problems. At this point i know now that even though we lived a lot and it meant a lot, we're not meant to be together. I don't want to be in this relationship, cuz is not going anywhere, and she deserves someone who trully loves her so we're probably going to break up in the next few days. I can't say that i feel happy, but i'm starting to feel in peace.
iI don't regret this relationship because Now i feel that i know aspects of my personality that i didn't know, things about myself that I ignored and things that i look in a potential partner better. I've defined my flaws and i want to fix them out. any final suggestions? guys it's been more than a month since the beginning of this, and i've taken lot's of advice from my family and trustable friends (and of course here) and i feel like i shouldn't go against my own nature: why would i stay in a relationship like this? it's not going anywhere, and it's like michelle said: "it's better to finish this now, than after 5 years of marriage" because I don't think she's the one for me.
and I'm not even thinking about going with anyone else: believe me, right now i just want to be alone and take my time to fix my mistakes, before i get into a new relationship. that could take 1 month, 1 year or 1 decade, but at least i know now what i'm suposed to do. It's difficult, and i'm afraid cuz i know i'm gonna cause lot of pain to her, but this is the right thing to do. besides i guess most of my friends won't be really happy with this because they all see us as the perfect couple, so they are probably gonna pressure me to get back with her, but i don't care: i don't want to get with someone just for obligation, if i'm going to be with someone it's gonna be by conviction, because i've known that person enough in order to say "hey, this person could be the one".
you know there's something i've learnt through the years: sometimes the right thing to do might not be the easiest, the most confortable or the most convenient to do, but it's the only necessary.
i think it's time for me to follow my own advice. so any last comments?
tomorrow i'll talk to her and there's a high chance for this to end...so i would like to her your suggestions on how i should manage or take this guys.