I love my girlfriend but...need serious help here.

[JEBB2201]

it's weird you know. i never wanted this. i was just having a normal relationship, probably the first actual good one, and suddendly these feelings came to me...

i've been with her for over a year and a half, and it has been great, but suddendly I felt like, a certain connection dissapeared. now i'm not sure if I want to be wiith her forever...
you might say: "ok, but it's not like you're married or something" you can come out anytime!" well, yes sure we're trying to know each other and understand ourselves, that's the whole point of being in a relationship. but i've never even thought about the chance of this happening! and i don't want to be living something like this until one day we realize that this isn't going anywhere!

among all this, there's also an extra factor: another girl. now before you say anything: NO, I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WITH HER, honestly. but i'm...starting to have these feeling for her...and we really click you know? we connect well. she's beautiful, smart and funny too. BUT MY GF IS ALL THAT TOO! and i still feel that i love her...it's really difficult to imagine a future without her, you know? but at the same time, there's something inside of me that tells me that there's something wrong! sometime it's difficult to tell...it's like feeling like i'm getting in something where there's no exit!

i think i'm afraid to comitment, and you know what? i admit it! maybe i am! i tend to be too perfectionist, so that makes me insecure, so i try to look for something else, but it's a dead end, that i'll find over and over if i don't change it! that's why i'm still not sure about myself! and all I just want is to...take this feeling out of me...it's even affecting my relationship with my gf...sometimes i avoid her and i feel like a lost a certain connection, which makes me feel even more insecure about all this...and even though i'm not the best friend of this other girl, we are really into each other and...i don't know...
can anybody tell me what to do?
i acknowledge the fact that i'm insecure about comittement, and believe me i really want to fix this. I've talk about this with my GF, and even though i felt better, it's really weird when we are together, and specially when the three of us are in the same place, i really feel insecure...
please help me, any suggestion or advice will be take seriously and i'd be really thankful.
I really want to make her happy (my gf), so i don't want her to be hurt by me, and end up bad, when we were like planing to be forever together...
i know breaking up would be like running away from the problem, besides that wouldn't mean i would end up with this other girl (at least no in the long run) at all! i mean we're just friends, that's it, but there's this feeling...
i've thought about it, and honestly i don't think it's because of this other girl.
mostly because sometimes i just feel like "hey we're just friends!" and when i actually manage to think with a little of common sense i realize that "man, i'm just attracted to her, that's it" and believe me i've had certain attraction to other girls, but when i'm around her...damn
so all these mixed feelings make me feel confused, and even though i know the problem it's inside me and my comitment problem, i have a hard time thinking straight to figure out what to do, so sometimes i feel sure about our relationship, but others i'm like "whoa...am i really gonna be with her forever?"
please help me, and forgive if i made to many mistakes when writing.
the reason i wrote this here, it's because i haven't done anything bad with this girl, but in a way i think i betrayed the feelings and the love i have for my GF.

Jermaine Boid
22, USA

[Michele in Kentucky]

Take it from someone who has been cheated on twice, we would rather you didn't try to hang on for the sake of our feelings or some promised relationship. We would rather be hurt now than devastated later. If you are having strong enough feelings for another girl that you are saying "damn" about your connection with her (damn in a "hot damn" good way), you are not ready to make a committment to someone else. When you speak about your girlfriend, I can actually hear the "hoo hum, I promised and I gotta stick to it" or "I'm gonna hurt her bad and I don't want to in your voice." I don't hear the "damn" when you talk about her. You may have committmet issues and if you do, this is also something you should work on BEFORE you go any further with your girlfriend. It sounds like you need to come clean and take a break to both work on your committment issues and to find out if there really is something between you and this other girl. But you most certainly don't need to move forward in your current relationship when you are having these feelings and when you feel like you "have to." If it is meant to be with your girlfriend, you need to fix yourself first. You owe that to her more than any "future promise" before any real committment has been made or the both of you will live to regret it. Hope I helped and wish you both the best.

[JEBB2201]

Originally Posted by Michele in Kentucky

Take it from someone who has been cheated on twice, we would rather you didn't try to hang on for the sake of our feelings or some promised relationship. We would rather be hurt now than devastated later. If you are having strong enough feelings for another girl that you are saying "damn" about your connection with her (damn in a "hot damn" good way), you are not ready to make a committment to someone else. When you speak about your girlfriend, I can actually hear the "hoo hum, I promised and I gotta stick to it" or "I'm gonna hurt her bad and I don't want to in your voice." I don't hear the "damn" when you talk about her. You may have committmet issues and if you do, this is also something you should work on BEFORE you go any further with your girlfriend. It sounds like you need to come clean and take a break to both work on your committment issues and to find out if there really is something between you and this other girl. But you most certainly don't need to move forward in your current relationship when you are having these feelings and when you feel like you "have to." If it is meant to be with your girlfriend, you need to fix yourself first. You owe that to her more than any "future promise" before any real committment has been made or the both of you will live to regret it. Hope I helped and wish you both the best.

Very true, indeed.
I mean i do love my girlfriend and believe me, i used to "damn" about her too, but since something changed, it's like i still have lots of really strong feelings about her, but she doesn't take my breath away you know?
and she's...she's awesome man. seriously, she's a really beautiful person that has really gone through a lot in life, and has still been able to succed and improve herself. she's really sweet and caring, inteligent and really capable and trustable.
My guess is that at some point I started seeing the "forever thing" like an obligation, when it really is something we decide by ourselves to follow. That is at least, one part of the problem i guess.
Of course my committment issue is another part of the problem too. I wish i'd known better how to deal with that cuz i feel that if i don't fix it will be haunting me during all my life, and i'll be sabotaging my own relationships (if i do get others). Maybe it's fear for only being with one person, maybe it's because i'm still young, but i'd really love to know how to deal with that.

About this other girl, well let me say that even though we do have this "chemestry" and this "friendship", i wouldn't say that we are completely best friends you know? to me it's more like a confusion: like i'm having problems now and this person seems to be having the answers that i look for, when it's actually just a way to run away from the problem AND I HATE DOING THAT! I wanna face this situation. Don't get me wrong, we're friends, but not that close. If i brokek up with my girlfriend today, i don't think i'd end up with her right away, as the matter fact i don't think i'd end up with her any time soon, it had to pass like a year minimum. I guess i just want to have that chemestry back with my gf. and there's somethin inside of me that doesn't let me be ok, that tells me that there's something wrong.
so what can i do to solve the committment issue? any other good advice besides this advice guys? i have told my Gf that i have this committement issue brought by fear but i don't really know how to work it out. i'd say it's the first time this happens to me, and honestly i just want her to be happy.

Thanks for the advice Michele, i'll try to do my best. I do agree that we shouldn't move foward, but i don't know about the "take break" cuz it would be like going back, and i do want to fix this, cuz she's a person who's worth doing it for and i still feel love for her. it just...i don't know whenever we kiss it's not the same: i used to be flying among clouds when we did that, now it's more like...just a kiss. and i do acknowledgethat at some point I took it like you said "I promised and I gotta stick to it" the thing is that, at that moment I felt really sure, why i'm not sure anymore? am i really that capricious? today i like someone, and tomorrow i like this other person? i mean: what kind of a person am I? I'd hate myself for being like that and not fixing it, which will destroy anything ahead of me.

so what do you think?

[Michele in Kentucky]

To your response to my reply,
It's normal to lose that knewness spark that everyone has in a new relationship, and I agree that many relationships are worth working on, but you sound more like that you are in a "rut" and "comfortable" with this girlfriend and afraid of moving on and it not working out and then your alone. She could be the most wonderful girl in the world, but she might not be the most wonderful girl in the world for YOU. Relationships get harder, not easier, and if it's this hard and you're not married, what do you think it's going to be like when/if you do. Now if you were married, I'd give you a completely different answer, you make a vow, you stick to it til you've tried everything. But you haven't and it really sounds like I said previously, that you're just comfortable and scared to move on. If I was your girlfriend, I would rather you hurt me now, than five years after were married...Trust me, been there, done that.. I'm paraphrasing a famous person, "But there is nothing worse than being in a bad relationship for five years, than being in a bad relationship for five years and one day," Plus no girl wants a man who "settled" for her. Someone else tell me if I'm off base, but I think you might find I'm hitting close to the mark quite a bit...Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but truth usually hurts..

[JEBB2201]

again very true. I do admit it's a little scary to think about that, and i will take your advice into consideration, because it really is something serious and you seem to be (and you are) aware of what you talk about that. what i think i'll do is, give it a month or two, and if I realize that this will not go anywhere, i'll give this chapter a definitive clossure. i still love her, and i do want to fix things up, specially if the problem it's in me. besides if it's just "infatuation" on this other girl, i should be able to get over that, i mean it's not like there are not gonna be any more women during my life. I can't surrender without trying, and this is just beggining. if i do see that there's no solution i'll admit it and i'll do what i have to do. it's not easy, but it would the right thing for everyone.
I have done this before, and it was difficult, but i made it through (somehow) and i feel like i gave a step foward and did the right thing.
what would you advice to overcome this committement issue? any suggestions will be heard and and taken well.
thank you very much for your help, and don't worry. i admit too that truth hurts, but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do.

[Michele in Kentucky]

Solving Committment Issues, can be a very difficult process, but the only RIGHT way I know to do it, is to find the cause. Sometimes this may even take a therapist. I know that's a scary word, but there not that bad. And if you chose that path, I would recommend a Psychologist, not a Psychiatrist. A Psychologist, listens, and basically lead you so that you find your own answers to your problem. A Psychiatrist is a doctor, and as a 21 yr RN, I think I can say that many doctors think that their answer is the only answer, (sorry to any docs out there that aren't in that category, also Psychiatrists can prescrbe medicine and it is amazing how a committment issue can turn into depression and need an anti-depressant. (Off my soap box now.) If you do go with a Psychiatrist find one you have a connection with and you can tell that your first session, and don't go with a group. If you are talking to a different member of the group everytime it ends up like "Groundhog Day." These are just my opinions. But often you can find the cause on your own. Keep a journal. When you feel yourself pulling away or looking for a way out, write this in your journal and write what she is doing, what you are doing, what you are thinking, does this remind you of anything...things like that. After awhile, re-read your journal and see if you notice a pattern. Also, spend time doing soul-searching, this can be painful, but did your mom or dad have committment issues? Did you watch them go through them? Are your parents divorced? Did either of your parents cheat and you found yoursef having to take sides? What are you scared is going to happen if you do commit?: She'll cheat, you'll cheat, you'll meet somebody and wish you weren't commited? Again, write it down and look for patterns, it's amazing what you can find out about yoursel. But once you find the issue, then comes the work...that's why I say, it's usually not a good idea to be in a relationship while you're working through an issue. You can't devote the time needed to either one. You need your full attention focussed on one issue at a time. You might be very surprised at the things you find out about yourself and how they help you in the future, But, most of all don't make a committment just because you're afraid: afraid of losing someone, afraid of being alone, afraid of making the wrong choice. That is the worst mistake you can ever make for yourself or for the other peson........... I sure hope I'm helping... Michele In Kentucky

[JEBB2201]

hehe yes you are helping me, Michelle and thanks for that.
Well i do try to be really critical about myself as much as i can and i have been doing that soul searching. BTW my parents are actually happily married (sure they've had disagreements, but hey any couple does!) for over 20 years! hehe so i don't think i have any trauma in that particular aspect, hehe.
i've been doing soul searching these last few weeks, to figure it out myself, and i've noticed that i'm too perfectionist. i do seek certain perfection in my partner and that really affects the relation cuz, no one is perfect, therefore, i'll never find one perfect person, specially when i'm far from perfection thing.
The fact that my parents are together and happy and all that, is awesome but i do feel this pressure because, i do want to be like them. i do want to have that "forever and ever" with a special someone, so i seek perfection and since i do this i tend to sabotage my relationship, by saying: "ok she's not perfect, next" you see the vicious cycle? actually it is something that i've have been improving little by little and i'm better right now, i guess i'm just afraid of taking the step, so this time i do think it's because of the reason you said.

[Xero]

Michele is doing a really good job in helping you.

I have one question for you though.

Do you still do fun activities with your girlfriend, like go out on fun dates/adventures. This to me sounds where you might be lacking and why you are not totally like wow this is great.

I think you are looking at this as, the grass is greener on the other side type of thing. Where its actually not, it only seems like it that way because you are not on an true in dept level with this other girl, where as with your girlfriend you are there and see everything. With the other girl your only seeing the shiny exterior where the interior could be different. Where with your girlfriend you know most of her ins and outs.

[JEBB2201]

Originally Posted by Xero

Michele is doing a really good job in helping you.

I have one question for you though.

Do you still do fun activities with your girlfriend, like go out on fun dates/adventures. This to me sounds where you might be lacking and why you are not totally like wow this is great.

I think you are looking at this as, the grass is greener on the other side type of thing. Where its actually not, it only seems like it that way because you are not on an true in dept level with this other girl, where as with your girlfriend you are there and see everything. With the other girl your only seeing the shiny exterior where the interior could be different. Where with your girlfriend you know most of her ins and outs.

actually yes we do. first we see each other almost every day at the university. secondly, yes we do go out. we try to go out every weekend (or even during the week, but it's difficult there cuz we both study and work) but whenever we have an opportunity we go out to parks, museums, events movies, or just walking. and weeven have some similiar tastes.
One thing i must say is that, you guys are focusing on this other girl a bit too much, look: it could have been any girl. so the deal here is that, i KNOW I'M VULNERABLE and I KNOW right now it seems like the grass is greener on the other side, but that's because of me. the problem is in me: i don't know whenever we do this stuff together, i just...don't feel special anymore. i don't know why! i didn't wanted this to happen! allthough it's a bit the way michelle said: "she might be the most wonderful girl in the world, but not necessarily the most wonderful girl for you" and in a way i think it is. a few week months ago the future was shiny for us, but today i don't know if this is it. I mean do you know how bad it feels when i kiss her, and i'm not able to feel that "something" we had, and just feel uncertanty and fear? and i know she's really into me man! she loves me for real!
man i wish i could get that feeling back! but i don't know...it's just not there anymore...and i really feel bad when i don't, so this is starting to be really frustrating here...
hey it's ok, any help is welcome, and i'll take it seriously. this is important here man, this is life.

[Xero]

(another thing that came to my mind)

Don't beat your self up too much. In a way it is OK to look at other women, its just natural human nature and kind of cant be helped. As long as you look, but don't touch its OK.

I really hope you solve your problem, I was there for maybe a month. Then some how the feelings just came back.