Can I be in love with My Wife & My Lover?

[Steve in Ohio]

Dear Dan & Jennifer:
My marriage of 10 years was broken. My wife and I were merely living as roomates and barely talked about our real feelings. Our sex live was barely present. We were both "takers" in the relationship. Our 2 beautiful children were the only common bond between us. We both said the words "I love you" but we both really weren't "feeling it".

About 6 months ago, I started a relationship with another woman. It was amazing. We shared our thoughts, feelings, dreams and bodies. It was very romantic and exciting for both of us. I finally felt "alive".

At home, things were spinning downward to the point where my wife and I decided to leave work one day to "talk". We had a heart to heart. I told her about everything. My feelings, my wishes, my desires, my affair. We were finally communicating again. I felt a sense of relief. I was tired of lying and sneaking around.

After the initial shock of the affair, She embraced me and told me that she realizes we were broken but there is something worth saving here. I instantly fell in love with my wife again. Her open arms and willingness to work on us signaled old lost feelings I had for her. She had every right to to kick me out of the house. But she embraced me and told me that she is willing to work on our marriage If I was willing and able. My wife came back to me, we both recognize where we went wrong and are working on repairing our relationship. We've made more progress in our marriage in a few weeks than we have in years. We're seeking professional counseling and have booked a weekend marriage retreat.

I have cut off all contact with my lover, closed all email accounts, returned secret cell phones etc.. Saying goodbye to my Lover was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I long for her. I think about her constantly. I miss her and I know she misses me, but respects my decision to stay with my wife because she loves me enough to want me to be happy. Even at the cost of her own happiness.

It's only been 2 weeks 1 day and 3 hours since I said goodbye to my lover, but I hurt. I hurt not only for the loss of my lover, but I hurt because I know my longing for my lover hurts my wife. I don't want to hurt my wife and I don't want to hurt the future of my marriage, but I'm having problems letting go. My wife wants me to view the affair as a "mistake" and "foolish" so that we can move on and I can understand that, but I cannot turn off the feelings I have for my lover.

Can I be in love with 2 people at the same time? Please help!

[Wolfhowl]

Originally Posted by Steve in Ohio

Can I be in love with 2 people at the same time? Please help!

It is not only posable to be in love with 2 people at the same time, it is common and happens all the time.

it sounds to me like you have made a choice to be with your wife, and that I don't think a 3 some or open relationship would fit in your current situation, so you will need to live with the conquences of you choice. I know that sounds a bit harsh. Sooner or later you will get over the heartacke of your lover.

Good luck with your wife, and remember to keep the lines of communication open.

[Chick In Heels]

I can't imagine feeling so torn.. My instinct says for you to do some soul searching and to figure out what you really want. My guess would be that no matter who you chose you would still long for the one you left behind. What would you want your lover or wife to do if they were in love with two people at one time? Eventually, something has to give - all you can do is hope that you make the right decision for your life - because, what makes you happy is what will go the distance.

Plus, it's still early from the separation from your lover - time will help you to move past that, if this is what you truly want. Closure can take longer then 2+ weeks...

Good luck with it.. not an easy one to answer that's for sure.

[Tenacity_01]

You really are in a tough spot. Are you sure you were in love with your lover? maybe it was just infatuation or sexual lust. Could that be?

I do think that a person can be in love with more than one person, even romantic love. and like the previous post unless your wife is extremely understanding and opens you to an "open marriage" you simply cannot have both. You do need to do alot of soul searching and find the answer. It does take ALOT of time to get over the loss of someone you care about, give yourself plenty of time and space to really search and find the answers to your questions. If your wife is truly wanting to move past this and forgive you, she also needs to allow the time for you to grieve for your lost love, if she can not do that, you will forever in your heart be searching for what you had, wondering if you really made the right decision. Best of luck.