How do I have a successful affair?

[Kevin in Denver]

My wife and I have been married for 8 years now and we have 2 kids. I love my wife and my kids very much, but my wife is addicted to online video games. She plays every moment she can and it has gotten increasingly worse over the last couple of years. Now, she is always up a lot later than I am and has no interest in sex. We have sex once every several weeks or couple months. I pretty much have to beg. And, because of that, even when we do have sex, it's not passionate. It's just going through the motions. No matter how hard I try, that is where it is. She is very resistant to the idea of seeking help. She is convinced there is nothing wrong.

Anyway, that is my situation. After many months of pursuing ways to fix this situation to no avail and much resistance from the wife, I'm at a desperate point. I love my family too much to ever think about getting a divorce, but at the same time, I have needs that are not being met. The thought of having an affair gets me really excited. Am I just delusional to think that an affair could actually save my marriage? If I found someone in a similar situation somehow and we just helped each other through these hard times we're having?

Please don't condemn me or judge me. I've tried being the patient loving husband for several years and I'm at my wit's end. I feel like if I don't have some real sexual attention I'm going to explode. I'd like to try this as opposed to getting a divorce. I want to keep my family in hopes that my wife will eventually come around and leave this crazy addiction to her games.

Thanks for any help/thoughts.

^ Kevin

[SnakeBabe]

I understand you are going through lots of stress from this but you took a vow for better or worse. If she was in a car accident and could not have sex ever again would this be your answer? How about if the shoe was on the other foot? What if you were an alcoholic and neglected her needs. Would you want her to cheat on you? I think not, you want your spouse to help you. So you must help her. It may take months or years but that’s what a marriage is. You re there for each other, good times or bad. Never give up.
Get to therapy
Plan dates outside of the house where she has no access to the video games
Invite friends over for a 4-some.
Delete the game while she is at work.
Do an intervention
Maybe I’m a bit out there with these but you get the idea.
Good luck. I hear about sexless marrages from lots of guys and I am sure it really hurts.
Hugs and Hissessss,
Maria

[Sam in New York]

Maria is so right. What if it was the other way around? You would not be ok with that. Still, I totally understand where you're coming from. I agree that it is unfair that she is neglecting your needs. That really sucks. In all honesty, if the passion is gone, I'd get a divorce. She's taking you for granted. But you might be doing the same if you cheat on her. Don't expect loyalty from her if you don't return it. Unfortunately, I can't see a "for sure" way to solve this problem. Possibly try to be romantic? Candles and rose petals? It might work...but that might be a short term remedy. But it might reawaken her sexual side! Does she orgasm when you have sex? That might be anther problem.

[Alexa]

Originally Posted by Sam in New York

Maria is so right. What if it was the other way around? You would not be ok with that.

I doubt if things were reversed, he'd even realize there was a problem, so it isn't valid to try to use that kind of construct here.

I'll probably catch some slack for this, but if you *really* love her and are just in need of sexual release, you might consider seeing a pro. If you do, be sure you're safe about it, pay in cash, and stay away from the street workers. Doing it this way makes it purely a sexual outlet. If you have a true "affair" you get entangled with the emotional side of it. If that's where you want to go, then I have to agree with those who'd advocate a divorce.

[micmacmel]

It all depends on what you two have to begin with. Can you communicate your feelings, longings, fantasies - Have you tried. Let her know with everything you got that it is frustrating the crap out of you and you need SEX. You need to feel needed. It sucks when needs aren't being met but don't give up on your spouse too easily. If my husband would have let me know that he was thinking about seeking sex from someone else my interest definately would have perked up. Now it is too late - you didn't exactly find what he was looking for in this other person although he got the relief that he needed at the moment. Now he has no trust from me, calls all the time nagging him, guilt, contantly trying to make things right; however, the one thing he did gain but would have gotton it without having to do all the other things is wild passionate sex. Anywhere, anytime, any position. We play out each other's fantasies and listen to what the other one wants and do our best to accommodate - but he will never have me look at him the same way I once did. I respected him so much that I was turning away offers from people and now I'm not so sure what I would do. I want sex from someone else so bad that it is killing me and he knows it. Surprise, surprise - he comes home on time now and refuses a lot of his overtime in fear that I may make this a reality and not just me toiling with the idea. Too bad we don't live closer to one another, we might have been able to work something out. Life is suppose to be enjoyable, but as you take a moment of happiness think about what the future holds and how much more miserable it can be. If your wife is the kind that want accommodate your needs, my advice to you is do it - but if you love her, don't ever EVER tell her. Keep me posted on how things work out between you two!

Later - Mel

[rob]

Try playing the online game with her-if that is what she's truly interested in, then it may help to bring you closer together.
And about your sex life: she likes the game? try doing a role play based on the game.
DON'T HAVE AN AFFAIR! Whatever you do, do not ruin all chance of getting the relationship to work. Try to base your life around the games a little, make sure you're becoming closer this way, not by having an affair.

[mrsmississippi]

An affaire is never the right answer. It hurts everyone and will put your kids in a bad situation as well. It would be better to confront her that your needs are not being met and that something needs to be done. See a marriage counselor if you need to!

[Beagle]

Don't do it. I am a clinical psychologist and you have no comprehension of the pain affairs cause women. Also, you have no idea how bad it can get. If you think things are bad now; imagine your children losing their respect for you; your coworkers stop talking when you enter the room. Everyone has a fantasy about how great an affair will be. The fantasy needs to include the downside. Don't do it. This is what marriage counselors are for. If you aren't willing to do that, then be a man and leave. Don't let her hear about it at the beauty shop.

[sexisgood4u]

Maybe the best answer is to place the computer along side the tv and sell it at a yard sale.

[Collette]

I just had the same thing happen to me and my husband was cheating, We are trying to work things out. The best thing you could do is talk to her and tell her what you are thinking of doing. My husband did not talk to be until it was to late. Not knowing for years what he was missing (call me blind) made us both let the relationship suffer.
I am hurt and having a hard time trusting the things he tells me and always felling that ma by he is regretting ending the affair. he assures me that he is not but i have to trust that this is true. There are going to be so many things that is going to make fixing our relationship hard because of how things went down. So in the end tell her everything and hope this will make her realize what she is doing. I hope this is not to much rambling for you but this only happened to me over Christmas so my thoughts are still a little bit messed up.
take care and good luck.