Need some help working through this

[gr8oneljv]

I am a Canadian Soldier, so I live in Canada, and I am married to a woman that lives in Florida. We met while I was doing military training in Florida. We have been together for 4 years. She has been with, and supported me for numerous tours of duty to Afghanistan. Due to the tours the action of moving her to Canada has never happened. What is the point of moving her if I'm never going to be home. So she and he son from a previous relationship have remained in Florida. In July I got stationed to a new base, one that the operational tempo is reduced but the requirement for being away is still very high. My wife came up and we did a house hunting trip, but due to our not being able to buy a house, my wife to find a job, my step-son starting at a new highschool, we decided to have her remain in Florida. This is were things started going downhill. The last time we were able to be together was Halloween for 3 days, the next time after that was in early August. We started argueing, fighting, we both got very depressed, and lonely. My wife started going out more often due to the stresses of the relationship and responsibilities at home. It came to a boiling point where we needed to turn to counselling but due to the distance we had to do it apart.

Then it happened.

I was set to fly down to go see her on Saturday, I drove to Buffalo, missed my flight and had to take a later flight. I tried to reach her at home, and her cell, and email. No answer. I finally get an emailing saying she is at the airport and she left her cell at an older buddies place. So I land in Pensacola, she was at the bar, came over and hugged me, kissed me, and we hung out while she finished her drink. She was drinking Bloody Mary's at 10am. So we got on the Highway and then she turns off the radio, and says she needs to tell me something. She went out the nite before to the usual Tiki Bar, then to a friends, then finally to the other guys place. So got very drunk and she then tells me she had sex with some guy last nite, who reminded her of people she use to hang out with. These type of people were know for drug use and no futures. I got very angry with her, and to my surprise she started yelling back at me, telling me to cool it or she was going to lose it on me. The whole situation seemed like she was blaming me. We got to her place, I called Delta and booked the next flight out of there and left that day.

We have been talking since, she is coming up on the 19th and we have 3 appointments with counselors, but she has to fly out on Christmas day.

I am so angry and upset with the whole situation. I feel like due to the problems and not being able to take action right away, I feel I drove her to this. Why did things have to get this messed up for us to get marriage counselling. Is this repairable? Can we salvage what WAS a good marriage? I feel like yes I want to work on this, but if someone doesn't move, it's going to fail again. Neither of us want to quit our jobs as we both have good careers.

Also, I feel I need some type of closure. I want to know the details, who it was, how it happened. I feel I need to know these things. She won't tell me. If I am to rebuild trust, how can I trust her if she doesn't tell me these simple things. I'm so confused, and upset, and angry, and frustrated. I need something...anything...to me me get through this.

[rob]

You can save your marriage, but it'll take both of you.
Make sure she wants to stay with you
if not, there's little you can do
If so, then tell her you need closure. If she doesn't talk to you then you aren't communicating properly, or well enough at least, and the marriage will fail anyway. Make sure she knows this.
At first, just ask for small details about the affair
Don't forget she was drunk though-if you were expecting someone but they weren't there, so you were sad, and then you got drunk, then it's very likely you'd leap at any opportunity to be comforted.
Most importantly: is she sorry?
If she is, then that's probably the most important thing. She wants your marriage to work, and wishes she hadn't done that.

[gr8oneljv]

She is sorry, and we are trying to work on it. The weather and schedule is just hurting us though. The snowstorms have been terrible. So we have one last flight where we can attempt to be together, and go to Counselling and see where we are at.

I find myself, very confused and very angry about all this. I'm mostly angry about the fact that she did this 10 hours prior to me showing up. More then likely it was less, I know her drinking habits. She probably had sex, came home, showered, then left to pick me up. Just the though of it, make me furious. We have been talking on the phone and internet, I have been pretty civil dispite a few days of self-destruction. Today was a bad day though. Really bad, I just wanted it over. I can't help but NOT think about it. It all starts at the same point...10 HOURS...was this guy worth throwing away 4 years together...not likely...were things THAT messed up in our relationship that this was bound to happen...god I hope not.

I just feel so sad, all the time. Like I just lost my best friend, and sometimes it feels like we can grow from this...other times it feels...we are done.