He won't end his affair

[MeMe in the south]

On Friday the 13th, I confronted my long time boyfriend with his affair. He broke down and confessed. To say that I was devastated is an understatement.
We were living together at the time and I knew he had been cheating for a while. I left home that Saturday morning and moved out the following week. In the few conversations that we have had, I have asked him to end his affair with her and he absolutely refuses. He says that he feels sorry for her and he cares for her. She is currently married and is several years younger than him. He has begged and pleaded for me to take him back and try to make things work. I will not take him back as long as she is still the picture. That would be crazy!!! He can't have the both of us. He has professed his undying love to me but he has also told her that he loved her. How can a grown man play such games. I can't sleep, eat or focus for very long periods of time. I am currently seeking counseling and have my first appointment on Monday, March 2. I can't seem to break contact with him, i miss him like crazy and I still love him. But while I sit here alone, he is with her. I am driving myself insane with this. I need some direction here. I go from being angry, sad, enraged, depressed to crying jags. All my friends hate him for what he had done to me and they have all told me that they will kick my ass if I go back to him. All of his friends have abandoned him over this. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM??? I built my life around him and was very good to him.

[rob]

There's nothing wrong with him. In fact, he's incredibly unlucky. I can sympathize; he's in love with two people and that is never easy.
The best things to do would be to either:
A) Give him an ultimatum-only one of you. Make it seem final somehow.
or B) terminate the affair from the other end. Tell the other woman or tell the other woman's husband.

[Beagle]

He has sent you a very clear message; one you're understandably not wanting to hear. He plans to pursue the other relationship, as destructive as that appears. Since he refuses to end the relationship, that leaves you in the position of accepting the fact he's seeing someone else or ending your relationship.

At a time in my career, I was employed as a marriage counselor. It sure sounded great, helping people get along better and be happy. Actually, it was the worst time of my professional life. I had couples that had literally exchanged gunfire. But that's another story. One option in this situation is to declare an open relationship. From reading your post, it's obvious that that's not an option for you. You sound like someone who's not willing to share. And, there's nothing wrong with that. You seem to have a high need for commitment and exclusivity is obviously a value for you. Therefore, it is obvious that you aren't getting those needs met in this relationship. Therefore, it's time to end the relationship as long as this situation exists. Obviously, if they break up then you might or might not be willing to resume the relationship.

I think you have to accept that you are just not going to get your need for commitment and to be his only girl met in this relationship. I think you need to tell him you won't be part of a harem and wish him well. Believe it or not, trying to hold onto the other person only drives them further away. Sometimes one person begins to feel "trapped" in a relationship. Those feelings often lead to affairs. Sometimes, when they see that the relationship is really in danger of ending, they decide they don't want out as much as they thought they did.

You need to link up with a support system. You're vulnerable right now, so that support system needs to be other women. Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of having a "retaliatory affair." People who have affairs to "get even" always feel guilty and dirty afterwards. You'll know when it's time to move on.

You need to put some distance between you and him. Right now, you're emotions are probably overwhelming and confusing. You need some distance to get your head clear and start thinking rationally again. You need a close (female) friend you can trust to give you good advice during this time. You may need someone to keep you from running back to him when you feel lonely and desperate. Don't compromise who you are and what you believe just to "win" him back.

[MeMe in the south]

He can't tell the truth to save his life. He tells me one thing, then does another. Today has been 2 weeks since the affair came to light. He said he has tried to make amends to me but he has taken no action what so ever. I told him to leave me alone. That I wanted more and deserved better from him or any man. I am not willing to share nor do i think I can trust him again. This a pattern of behavior for me. He can't stay committed to any one woman. He has done this to every woman he has ever been in a relationship with, I am just the first one to actually catch him at it. He said that he felt sorry for her!!! What a crock. He admitted that he could not be alone. That he was afraid if he let her go, then I still wouldn't come back. I told him that was a huge possiblity.

I think he has an addiction to affairs or to sex. He refuses to see someone for help. He said he didn't need any help. I however am going to see a therapist. I don't know what will become of him, but I really wish he would get his life straight. He has risked everything for this girl, including a 25 year long career that is now in jepoardy because of his relationship with her.

I don't understand but I do realize that the problems do not lie with me. Although I made mistakes in our relationship, he chose to have an affair for his own selfish reasons.

Thanks for the feed back. It is greatly appreciated.

[Beagle]

You're very welcome. That's what we're all here for.

If he's lying chronically, then he's got a serious character problem. that isn't likely to change in the foreseeable future. Probably time to end it.