How to talk to him

[blacktears]

I have a big problem with my husband telling little lies. He does this to everyone to prevent a problemed situation. I guess this is why he also lies to me. We'v been together since age 13 so we'v been threw it all. All the heart breaks and rumors of jealouse friends. He is the best husband and dad ever. Works hard, always with the family and loves his 5 girls to death. Helps clean, cook and knows how to please me. His little lies drive me crazy. Few years back he was working at a club for extra money but I asked him to stop. He started sleeping on the couch when he got home from being so tiered from two jobs. Then some of the bills started adding up and I started to wonder. He would ask me to come hang out while he work but it wasn't the best place to be. This is when I started hanging out with someone from work. A few months and one thing lead to another. Something I thought I could never do to my husband. When ever I needed to talk to my husband he wouldn't talk to much, has always put thoughts to the back of his mind instead of fixing them because he doesn't like to fight. So now when I need to talk to him about a problem he always brings up the time I cheated and he gets very hateful (which I completely understand and that's something I brought onto myself) but him not wanting to work on our problems now hurts us both. I will never cheat on him again, it hurts my self-esteam which he doesn't seem to beleive me. How can I get him to hear me out when I need to talk about things he does that bothers me. He says he loves me and wants to be together but for us to be happy again we need to talk problems out when they arise. He thinks blocking every thing out all the time makes them go away. Then they come back later and here we are again, mad at each other and he brings up the cheating. This is what lead me to cheating. He thinks it was for the sex. Not. I know we truely love each other. love sucks some times

[Beagle]

Putting a marriage back together after an affair is one of the most difficult things a couple can do. First, is everything out on the table? We used to think that it wasn't helpful to dig up the details. Now, we know that that it's better to have the details out so people aren't wondering. As one woman said, every time she passed a hotel, she wondered if that was the one her husband and his girlfriend had gone to. When she knew which, "then I only had one to deal with."

Truthfully, you are probably going to need more than I can give you on a forum. Marriage issues, especially where forgiveness is needed, is something that is often well managed by pastoral/christian counselors. Many churches have such a service available.

I'm going to send you a link to a good resource to help you and he have this conversation. However, ultimately you and he do have to have it. (I'm not affiliated with this agency and won't benefit if you buy the book.) Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On-Together or Apart - By: Douglas K. Snyder, Donald H. Baucom, Kristina C. Gordon - Christianbook.com

This wound will only get worse if neglected, and you and he will need some help talking through it. Healing is a process, not an event.

My thoughts will be with you. I know this is a terrible experience, and we'll be here if you need us.

[blacktears]

Thanks so much for writing me back. I understand we need cousiling for help but my husband tells me it's not going to work. I need advice on how to get him to understand that. He said " it's not going to change what already happened. what's done is done." I've read alot about how to work on things like this and I do believe he can feel little better if he could only open his mind to why this really happened and why it WON'T happen again. He wont give me the chance. He just wants to but it back in his mind and try to move on with our marriage. I know thats not the solution. Maybe I should go to counsiling myself. It's so hard and fustrating because I cheated on him, for not ,including me in things and him always being to himself. I love him so much but is so hard to show it completly because he has me fustraded alot. I'll never cheat again. He could better understand that if he would give us that chance at cousiling. The book ,His needs and Her needs ,helped me on how to talk threw things but he refuses. For about 3 months now I'll ask him if we can talk? Then he'll go to the gym late or have the kids stay up late (I sware to avoid me) which in return pisses me off so I show no affection but then he goes back to thinking I'm not affectionate to him and I don;t love him. Is he repeating this cycle or what? I feel he blams it all on me when he started this from the begining of our marriage. He's so to himself mentaly.

[Beagle]

BlackTears: These are all crucial warning signs of a marriage in trouble. It sounds just like what we were going through before I found out my wife had someone else.

You can only work on what he's willing to. You can influence him, however. ONe thing you could do is get the book I suggested and let him "catch" you reading it. Just leave it on the table and see if he doesn't pick it up and start reading it.

I think a pastoral counselor might be your best chance. You've made it clear you're willing. That's all you can do.