To tell or not to tell, that is the question.

[K. in Cleveland]

OK, once again while watching tv (I swear, I do more than sit online and watch tv!) I saw a morning talk show with an interesting subject.
One one side was an author who writes in her book that one should never admit they were involved in an affair to their mate.
On the other side was a couple, a man who was engaged in an affair, who told his wife.. who had suspected but was getting denial from hubby.

The author argues that it will only create mistrust and tension between partners... she goes on to say if an STD issue came up from the affair you need to be responsible and say something to your mate. However beyond that it just creates a mistrust that not admitting anything would leave alone. If you've quit the affair, why bother hurting your mate?

The gentleman and his wife argued that his honesty was the best thing that happened to their relationship. She had suspected something was going on. He was swearing nothing was. She feels maybe she's going crazy, or is too paranoid.
He comes out and admits, she feels better that she's not paranoid, they work on the trust issue, and their intimacy level sky rocketed because now all communication is more open and honest.

So my question is Would you tell?
PS, the poll is anonymous

[Dan And Jennifer]

For us, "honesty is the best policy"... but the only problem we had with the poll is that the underlying assumption is that you HAD an affair.

And of course there are other variables...
- you actually had an affair
- do you want to make up with your partner?
- is there a reason you're not with that person that you had the "affair" with - was it just a one-night-stand?

Lots of variables. IF you truly communicate and follow the honesty is best policy from the beginning I just don't think you'd get to the affair stage to begin with.

Dan

[Saishuu]

Telling and not telling both have their merits but its really dependent on the situation.

There are always times that cheating may be a good thing, for yourself, & for your partner.

You may need to clear your mind about something, test someone else.

For example...
If you have been married to your partner for 10 years, but before you were married, in the first year of your relationship you "tested someone else out", but you haven't done it again, & you are both really happy then its probably best not to tell. You'll only cause heartbreak and sadness, it might be ok, but your partner would be better off not knowing.

Honesty in this case would be a crazy idea!

Infact if you ever cheat and your partner knows nothing then its best to not tell(just live with your regret), but if they suspect something and bad feelings, jealousy and paranoia run riot in your relationship, honesty is definitely the best policy.

I suppose if I had to pick an option on a survey on a thread and I had to abide by it my whole life & it would be good advice in all situations (that I can imagine).

"don't mess with what is not broken".

seems to work.

[K. in Cleveland]

Originally Posted by Dan And Jennifer

For us, "honesty is the best policy"... but the only problem we had with the poll is that the underlying assumption is that you HAD an affair.

And of course there are other variables...
- you actually had an affair
- do you want to make up with your partner?
- is there a reason you're not with that person that you had the "affair" with - was it just a one-night-stand?

Lots of variables. IF you truly communicate and follow the honesty is best policy from the beginning I just don't think you'd get to the affair stage to begin with.

Dan

OK, I'm sorry for the assumption that one has to have had an affair. I should have added "No, I would not cheat on my partner!" as an option. I let the television program railroad my thinking into only having cheated, not that some people do not cheat. I apologize.

I guess my opinion on this is it really does depend on the circumstances. As Saishuu says, if it was a long time ago and the relationship was not set in stone, why bother telling. However, if the relationship was good and cemented into exclusivity, and a partner cheated, that is a different story. But it also cans tem from so many issues. Maybe the wife wanted more and hubby refused a 3some or 4some... but at the same time as Dan says, if the relationship had good, open, honest communication to begin with the affair shouldn't have happened to begin with. I guess it depends on the situation and the person. I still think I'd be honest, because if he still wants me after I had cheated, then I know it's a relationship still worth being in.

Perhaps my next question should be, If your partner had an affiar, would you want to know?