Interracial Issues in Japan!

[Akakemushi]

Konnichiwa,

I'm Jason, and I'm 26. I've been living in Japan for the last 2 years and plan to live here for a long time to come. That said, I live in a very rural area of Japan and after 2 years of no dating I'm getting pretty lonely here. There are two main problems I'm facing. One is just meeting anyone that's my age. It seems as though everyone around me is 35+ years old. Sometimes I see younger people working at stores or restaurants, but it's kinda hard to start a conversation with someone while they're working you know?

The second problem is a bigger one I think. That enormous wall called "the language barrier". <cue bum bum bummmm sound effect> My Japanese ability has certainly improved a lot in the 2 years I've lived here, but I still have a lot of trouble keeping up with a native-paced conversation. How is this going to affect a relationship in the long run if I get involved with a Japanese girl? I'm a shy guy to begin with and not being able to speak the language fluently certainly doesn't help matters. I can communicate what I want to say in most cases, but when you often get stuck for lack of a word you haven't learned yet, it can slow conversations down to a crawl.

My question to you is 2-fold. How can I meet someone in such a rural area, and what can I do to overcome the language barrier so that we won't become frustrated?

I don't know if I can stand another 2 years without a girlfriend OR family around.

-Tetsudatte Kudasai! (Please Help!) Jason

[modernsavage]

Jason,

That's a tricky situation but I think you're better off than you realize. First of all, the language barrier can actually be helpful, because as a shy guy, this takes a lot of pressure off of you to be a good conversationalist. You have an excuse not to be always engaged in talking. This is good, because you can focus more on body language and eye contact, which are much more effective ways of communicating attraction to someone.

As for being in a rural area with slim pickings, I'm not too sure there is much you can do. You'll simply have to work with what's available. Perhaps try going after some of those older women in their mid 30s. Surely, there are some women in this age range that you find attractive? And what about those younger girls working in the stores? Have you even tried to flirt with them or ask them out while they are working? Try going to those shops at low traffic times when they aren't busy and do some flirting....it couldn't hurt to try.

It sounds to me that you just have to put yourself out there more. Sure, you're in a smaller pond with some difficult barriers, but sitting around thinking about won't help. It's best to just go out and try a bunch of different things, interact with as many of the local women as possible and find out through trial and error what gets the results you are looking for.

Best of luck,

[Akakemushi]

Hai, Wakarimashita,

The capital of the area I live it is considerably more populated, and it seems like most of the younger population has moved there for work. I can't move due to the contract I'm in right now, but do you think it would behoove me to bite the bullet and try going for a relationship that's about a 2 hour drive away? It isn't quite ideal because you really have to plan ahead just to see each other, but it isn't that far either, it could be doable on the weekends. Does anyone have some experience with relationships at a medium range? Like a 2-3 hour drive away? (Oh, ps, I wouldn't mind dating a girl 2, maybe 3 years older than I am, but a woman in her 30's just makes me think too much of my mom, or a motherly figure, and I start losing all attraction at that point. It's bizzare, I know. I actually have gotten to know a number of older women in the area, but I've never even once considered hooking up with any of them.)

modernsavage- that's a good point about the language barrier, and I have noticed that people don't expect my Japanese to be perfect, which takes some pressure off of me to be witty and funny in the meeting stage. I'm more concerned about the long run, when she wants to have a deeper conversation on like the 4th or 5 date or whenever, and I just can't handle the vocabulary being used, which could lead to me not being able to understand her needs. Does anyone have any stories of dating someone that didn't speak the same language? How did it work out for you in the long run?

In general, things that worked out for people in these situations could work for me, too. I'm more than willing to try out your suggestions.

-Sayonara,
Jason

[RRandolph]

Hey Jason,

Matt's got some great advice on the matter, I agree about using it to your advantage. One thing that I used to do a lot with women was that I would try to solve problems that I didn't even have yet.

I would think so far along into the future that I would figure out "well, this girl just isn't going to work in the end" and then I would not even bother to talk to her! Hows that for cutting my life's experiences short.

This kind of thinking views everything as a goal or something to attain. When I let go of this type of attitude, I could enjoy everyone just for that moment. I could enjoy a cashiers company for just 30 seconds; I could enjoy eating a nice meal just for that moment; I could be with a woman that I know will not work out for the long term just for that date or just for the time being.

I let go of all my need for perfections in everything and ironically everything became perfect just as it was.

You mentioned "I don't know if I can stand another 2 years without a girlfriend OR family around."

This type of attitude is putting your happiness outside of yourself, into a person or place. This is quest that will never be satisfied.

The more I looked within for happiness, the less I needed anything on the outside; women, money, parties. I got to a place where I could be completely happy sitting by myself completely alone.

Then everything seemed to fall into place, women started falling into my lap and just liked being around me.

I would suggest finding ways to appreciate everyone that IS in your life right now.

Appreciate the old man that works with you, or the old woman who serves your food, be friendly and grateful for everyone that comes into your life. This way, when a woman drops into town, she will be pulled into your good energy and happy mood and you will find yourselves bumping into eachother.

This way, most of the work is already done and you go straight into a fun and exciting relationship.

Do you think a woman will care if you can't speak when you are a total blast to be around?

No way.

Try it and allow the details to work themselves out.

[Akakemushi]

Randolph................... I don't know what to say. that is by far, the best advice I've ever heard. I sincerely mean that.

I've talked to so many people about this, but what you just said made me notice something that I've NEVER noticed in the past. And that is that I'm way too careful. I go through life like I play chess, strategically thinking things through over and over until I come up with the "perfect" plan, or one that has a bare minimum amount of errors. As you said, I'm trying to solve problems that I don't even have yet. Looking at my behavior in the past 2 years, that's exactly what I've been doing. I would sometimes see women, but think, "oh she's a smoker, I won't even bother talking to her." or "that girl is cute but doesn't look like my type, we'd probably just end up breaking up later on, so why bother." In essence I've been judging people without even talking to them, and thinking too long term, or just waiting around for "the one" that fits into my giant chess strategy. Hell, I don't even know if I'd notice "the one" if I saw her. You are absolutely right. If I ever want to find love, I have to stop being so picky, stop sizing every girl up as though I was going to date her, and just meet people and enjoy myself. I really can't believe that I've never noticed that before. I always thought that I just had high standards, but the truth is, I haven't even bothered to talk to any of the girls that didn't meet my standards. I've totally been alienating myself without even realizing what I was doing!

Wow, talk about an epiphany...... I'm stunned. Just stunned. It's decided then. From now on I'm going to stop "playing" life like chess and just take moments for what they're worth as they come. I'll still plan my financial future carefully, but anything other than that is an open ticket. You're really opened my eyes with that simple post man, if I could, I would totally hug you right now.

Arigatou gozaimashita!! Thank you sooo much!

Jason

[RRandolph]

Yeah man, helping others reach those "Ah-Ha"s is the joy that I live for.

So thank you, for allowing me to be of service

*virtual hug received and returned with a manly pat on the back*

[Dan And Jennifer]

Originally Posted by RRandolph

This kind of thinking views everything as a goal or something to attain. When I let go of this type of attitude, I could enjoy everyone just for that moment. I could enjoy a cashiers company for just 30 seconds; I could enjoy eating a nice meal just for that moment; I could be with a woman that I know will not work out for the long term just for that date or just for the time being.

I let go of all my need for perfections in everything and ironically everything became perfect just as it was.

You mentioned "I don't know if I can stand another 2 years without a girlfriend OR family around."

This type of attitude is putting your happiness outside of yourself, into a person or place. This is quest that will never be satisfied.

The more I looked within for happiness, the less I needed anything on the outside; women, money, parties. I got to a place where I could be completely happy sitting by myself completely alone.

...

Appreciate the old man that works with you, or the old woman who serves your food, be friendly and grateful for everyone that comes into your life. This way, when a woman drops into town, she will be pulled into your good energy and happy mood and you will find yourselves bumping into each other.

Wow Randolph, you're letting some heavy life-changing stuff out of the bag. Well said indeed.

Originally Posted by RRandolph

Yeah man, helping others reach those "Ah-Ha"s is the joy that I live for.

So thank you, for allowing me to be of service

And that friends, is exactly our goal for this community! We are sooo happy to see how many people are here helping one another every day! Absolutely awesome.

Jason - now it's your turn to look around and try to help someone else.

Originally Posted by RRandolph

*virtual hug received and returned with a manly pat on the back*

LOL!