Nasty name calling turns me on... is this bad?!

[ET from California]

Dear Dan and Jen,

I am a 20 year old woman and a proud feminist. However, whenever I am deep in my masturbation, the only way for me to get off is to picture myself being degraded by an older man. It would excite me more when he calls me names like: bitch, whore, cunt, etc, etc. Something totally taboo that totally excites me is reading incest stories, mostly about a girl and her father. I know that this is wierd and wrong, but reading it sometimes the only way for me to climax. These two things (being called names, and picturing a daughter and father having sex) are usually connected. And always, always, I feel horrible after I come; as if I just did a terrible sin and am going to hell. I want to make something very, VERY clear though, I have never been sexually abused by my father and I do not see my own father in a sexual way. I think that is disgusting! This is why I am so preplexed at my fetishes. It is never me in the fantasy or my father. It is always me watching the couple.


is there something wrong with me?!

[K. in Cleveland]

ET, I'm not Dan and Jenn, but I couldn't resist taking a stab at this one... I hope you don't mind.

First off, the name calling. That's actually common. My fiancee and I have a friend who really gets off with name calling and rough sex. It's just her thing. I think everyone enjoys this somewhat at least on occassion... and for others it is simply their kink. I always say whatever floats your boat, as long as no one gets seriously hurt (a reddened bottom is OK ) In my experience I've seen that men and women who have high powered careers tend to enjoy being submissive in the bedroom. You say you're a proud feminist, and this can be the same thing as a high powered career... people as a general rule, like to kick off their shoes and loosen their ties when they're home (literally and figuratively). And sometimes this includes doing some of the opposite things of which they do all day. Hence, feminist by day, whore in bed (I'm using that word from your list of enjoyed words, not calling you names )

And as far as the incest feelings, I wouldn't say that is uncommon either. A lot of women have daddy fantasies. Since you say you do not see your own father this way I don't feel there's any problems with it. This is pretty natural I think. As a child your father played with you, taught you things, and punished you when you were bad... now as an adult, you probably just want a "Daddy" to do the same things, only in a sexual way.

Both of these things together tell me you are leaning to the submissive side. I would suggest checking out one of the many adult personals sites which also deal with fetish lifestyles. I think if you explore these things with someone you can trust that you will find you can enjoy your subby side without fear that you are weird or that there is anything wrong with you.

Good luck, and keep us posted. (Also looking forward to seeing other people's thoughts on your question)

[ET from California]

K-

you gave SO much insight, thank you! I cant even expect a better answer from dan and jen!

[Dan And Jennifer]

Hi ET,

First, K. is really awesome, we both appreciate her so much, she's helping a lot of people.

That's exactly why we launched the forums... we get SO many questions every day, and wanted to make sure that everyone gets a good and timely answer - that's the goal of this community, we're all supporting one another.

As to your concern of this fantasy being "bad". If you bring in enough therapists, you can probably diagnose some root to most if not all fetishes. But frankly, if it works for you and it's not hurting anyone, so what? Note that its only applies to consenting adults (and legally that's 18 in many places, older in some others)... children and animals are a firm exception because they cannot give informed consent.

Check out this video - it was a substantially different question about a guy who has a smoking fetish, but his root question was very relevant I think, to your concern of your fantasies being weird...

And on the rough sex, submissive side, here's one of our older videos entitled "Rough Sex and BDSM - Going Beyond The Occasional Spanking". It doesn't have some of the snazzy production of the new ones, but it may give you some ideas:

As K. said, be very cautious about finding a partner with a matching interest - which should not be hard to do. A power play relationship with someone you don't know very well can obviously be dangerous. You have to truly trust someone before you can safely give them that kind of power over you.

And by the way, it's quite common for sexual desires to be somewhat opposite of your "regular" personal, it's all part of a whole, finding a balance. Certainly not all, but there are some really tough guys out there fantasize about a dominatrix mistress, and some really tough women want to be submissive in the bedroom.

Again, when we're talking about consenting adults - if it works for you and nobody's getting hurt, then so what.

Dan

[K. in Cleveland]

Thank you to ET and Dan I try to be helpful in whatever ways I can.. and keep my mouth shut when it's something I have no idea on..lol.

Anyway, referring to Dan's comment about the balance, this is very true. The yin and yang... the "good" and "evil" sides... you can't have one without the other in a good relationship. And looking back perhaps I should have stressed the safety and trust issue more, but Dan took care of that. Another reason the forums are great, because it is like building a brick wall, each person can add a few bricks and fill in what someone else may have missed. Thanks Dan for filling in my bricks...lmao that sounds dirty not how I meant it.

ET, I hope you are able to truly find yourself and accept your kinks. It's cheaper than therapy to "fix" it... and more fun

[Dan And Jennifer]

Ah, but that's the awesome thing about this community - different perspectives and different points of view, which means better overall answers and more help. K, your answer was awesome, I added my take, and ET got a better whole perspective than either one separately. Great stuff.

Thanks!
Dan