I like my best friend and we're both of the same gender- what should i do?

[Tara222]

So, im just trying to find out if im straight or just bi-curious, or maybe i am really bi? I do get turned on by lesbian porn and i definately still like guys (it's not like i always looked at girls or something) and i really just want to know what i should do. My main problem is, howevver, that truthfully, i really like my friend (who's a girl) but i have no idea if she might have the slightest chance of being okay with this-- (i haven't told her i might be bi-- ) and i seriously need help~ what should i do?

-PS: I checked out other blogs, and i know the most common reply will be to just tell her-- i cant! I can't! I can't! I can't! I just can't do it, so im gonna need something more than just that--

[rob]

Sorry, but...just tell her.
If you aren't willing to tell her, then what can you do?
Maybe drop a few hints, subtly ask if she's a lesbian. Other than this,the only thing to do is to tell her. If you don't have the courage to say how you feel, then how are you going to manage the questions in the relationship?
My advice is to look for confidence building excercises, or try my 'blink rule'. For the time it takes you to blink, do something you wouldn't normally do. Something in that short a time can't do anything too bad.

[Beagle]

I agree that dropping hints is the best way to go. You can find out how someone feels about something without laying all your cards on the table. If you watch a movie with two girls kissing, you can look at her reaction. If she's disgusted, there's no point in bringing it up.

I can tell you there's no way to pursue this without risking the friendship. It's almost, but not totally, impossible to return to friendship once a relationship has taken on sexual overtones. One option is to get her into a sexually charged atmosphere. For example, a bunch of friends over and playing a game with sexual overtones.

You could just always ask her "Have you ever kissed a girl?" you can probably tell from her reaction if she's at all interested.

You can discuss something without being inappropriate. You don't have to say "I want to jump you." You can just bring up the subject and observe her reaction.

One thing that amazes me is how often people are thinking exactly the same thing but nothing ever happens because they assume the other person feels the opposite way. "Assumption is the mother of all _______."

[Tara222]

Originally Posted by Beagle

I agree that dropping hints is the best way to go. You can find out how someone feels about something without laying all your cards on the table. If you watch a movie with two girls kissing, you can look at her reaction. If she's disgusted, there's no point in bringing it up.

I can tell you there's no way to pursue this without risking the friendship. It's almost, but not totally, impossible to return to friendship once a relationship has taken on sexual overtones. One option is to get her into a sexually charged atmosphere. For example, a bunch of friends over and playing a game with sexual overtones.

You could just always ask her "Have you ever kissed a girl?" you can probably tell from her reaction if she's at all interested.

You can discuss something without being inappropriate. You don't have to say "I want to jump you." You can just bring up the subject and observe her reaction.

One thing that amazes me is how often people are thinking exactly the same thing but nothing ever happens because they assume the other person feels the opposite way. "Assumption is the mother of all _______."

oka, ill explain the situation a little more~
no, she doesn't feel awkward during any movies and such with girls kissing (she might comment with a joke, which is a lot like her) and as a matter of fact, she is pretty much known for touching girls (she does), but more in a joking manner-- if you know what i mean. wHats more was that when we were younger, we had another friend that also played dirty jokes with her and what not (i was not part of it since i totally disgusted by it then-- what do you know now, huh?) and they have "played" with each other (for like ten seconds in public) and it wasn't anything too into it. My main point is, no, she isn't even close to hating it or disgusted by it-- but i don't know if she's interested in LITERALLY dating a girl, since everything she does with that is just a joke... isn't it? Truth is, though, ever since i found out i liked her, I kinda started avoided her and now we barely talk-- we still do, and hang out and stuff but it's not even just the two of us anymore (kinda miss that) and i kno this is just an ego issue, but i hate to be the one who calls first (i should probably ask though, shouldn't I?)-- it's just that it's probably going to be like, why are you suddenly asking now since you've keep on avoiding me? reaction~ And now im EVEN MORE lost~

What do I do?

[Beagle]

Swallow your pride and call your friend. Worse case scenario; you've swallowed you pride for nothing. Best case scenario; you get your friend back, and possibly more. Almost nothing to lose; lot to gain. The cost-benefit analysis is definitely positive.

Regarding the attraction; I can't believe I'm a 44 year old man quoting a rapper, but here goes : "A lot of truth is said in jest." (Dr. Dre) It looks like to me all lights are go here. She seems to be sending signals. You can always back up if she seems uncomfortable.

In my junior year of college, I sat next to this gorgeous girl in economics class. I never could work up the guts to ask her out. Looking back, all the signals of interest were there. I always loved the way she wore a single flower in her long blond hair. I never got up the nerve. I have regretted that ever since. If you try and she says no, at least you'll know. If she says yes......

[Tara222]

i could probably find a lot more excuses than just that, but they're probably just what i said-- excuses~ what i want to know, though, is that despite how shy i am, i can probably work up some courage to bring it up~ that's the problem though~ when is that moment?

[Beagle]

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."

If you just march up to her and make a declaration, you'll get shot down for sure. You've got to do like a guy does with a girl. Spend time with her, talk with her, have non-sexual physical contact. You never have to seduce anyone. Just spend time together, sit close together, and, if it's meant to be, nature will take it's course. Let your instincts guide you. You'll know if it's time to make a move.

[Tara222]

i think i mentioned i totally ruinned our relationship by avoiding her ever since i found out about my feelings, so i guess i just have to "get her back" :P I just hate how now my cousin (who is a girl) is clinging onto her and not letting her go (and yes, it seems in that way)~ :P i told you i could come up with about a million twists to this situation; but yeah, i'll take your advice~ even if i find that it's not meant to be, at least i would get my friendship back, right? Thnx~

just hope to get some more advice on what to do now~ also, i want to say that yes, this is my first time liking a girl so im kinda clueless right now, but even if she does say yes, i don't even know what i want from her~ if you know what i mean. Like i said, my pride does get in the way and she probably agrees on the whole not public issue (actually now that i think about it, i can see both ways for her, as in to make it public or not) So my main question now is what happens afterwards, and to grab her attention, what should I do to hand out hints~ tell her im bi first? that way she knows, but i think she would want to know who i liked then... should i tell her someone else? (a specific name)

[Beagle]

"getting her back" may not be as hard as you think. Totally ruined is a highly subjective term. I've run into girls I had dated and we just stopped dating and struck up a converasation and I asked her to do something. That's not as hard as you think. If there was a "Dear John" one way or the other, that makes it more difficult. It sounds like you two just faded out. I would just ask her to do something simple, perhaps something that you used to do or that she's wanted to try. The advice I give guys here is to think small, not a lot of romantic overtones at first. The simpler the activity, the better. Ask her to help you with something or just to go pick your cat up at the vet or drop your car off at the shop or something. Often when we haven't seen someone and we spend just a little time with them, we remember how great it was to spend time with them.

Go, get your friend back.

[Tara222]

I know i have to do that~ but let's not forget it's not just the friendship i want~ i want something more :P and i probably should tell her im bi, right? ~ so then HOW DO I BRING THAT UP FIRST? i do think i should let her know i am, as a way to kinda lay hints that i like her. If she's freaked out, which i doubt, then that's that, but if she also likes me, then she might also know that i might be interested in her (which i am). So, how do i bring up that i'm bi now?

:P Sorry for asking so many questions~ haha