Avoiding my first time, am I a coward?

[CKDK]

I am 26 years old and gay. That's the easy part to admit for me.

I have a serious problem however, and that is... well. It's not a matter of low sex drive as a case of NO sex drive. Whatever my boyfriend does, I can't seem to get in the mood for anything intimate. I avoid the issue of sex like the plague, and when he tries to bring up the topic I immediately think "Oh, I must do the dishes" or "I wonder if I put the washing machine on?" - any excuse.

It really hasn't been a case of being straight - I've always found guys more attractive, ever since I can remember (In my teens, Brad and Jen. Whereas other boys were drooling over Jen, I was drooling over Brad). But sex is just the bridge I have been struggling with. It will be my "first time", but shouldn't I be wanting to break down that particular door? Why do I keep trying to avoid it.

Is there something wrong with me, and is there anything I can do to prepare myself for the biggest moment of my life so far? My boyfriend has been really understanding to now, but we're four months into a relationship and he wants sex - and he's making it clear that if I'm not ready he's going elsewhere.

Am I a coward? Are there any tips on getting me ready?

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Cowardly in England,
CKDK.

[Beagle]

First, we need to rule out a couple of things:

One, are you on an antidepressant of any kind? Depression medications known as SSRI's are very common causes of low sex drive.

Two, if you aren't on an antidepressant, have you had your testosterone level checked? That can definitely be a cause of a low sex drive. That's very easy to check with a simple blood test. Most doctor's offices can't do it so it has to be sent out to a lab, but any clinic can draw the blood and forward it to the laboratory.

We need to rule those two things out before we start looking at emotional/relationship causes. If one of those is the problem, then nothing else can work.

[slittylicker]

Also, do you masturbate and what do you fantasize about when you masturbate?


Could also be a fear of the unknown and Anticipation.

[CKDK]

Thank you for your replies.

I am bipolar, so I am on combination therapies to keep my moods under control. I'm not sure if I am on an SSRI but I will check with my doctor about what exactly I am taking, and if it is having an effect on my willingness for intimacy.

As far as masturbation goes, it is guys I think of - but I like to think I'm the dominant one.

My next avenue will be to see my doctor after the weekend is over. I've never felt unhappy talking about sex or my sexuality, always thought "Wouldn't it be nice if...", but I'm just find it hard to take another step for myself.

I have a little to go on now. I thank you.

[Beagle]

SSRI's (Prozac, fluoxetine, sertraline, Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, citalopram, Symbiax, Celexa) are very commonly used to treat the depressive symptoms of bipolar disorder. I see many people on them and many report almost total suppression of sexual appetite and drive. I'm going to bet you're on one of these.

Don't just stop the medication. There can be discontinuation side effects. You need to talk to your doctor about possibilities. Also, there are risks associated with depression. Possible strategies include a change to another class of medication; SNRI's such as Cymbalta or Effexor.

[CKDK]

Yes, I am on an SSRI called Mirtazapine (known as Remeron in the States I believe). Also in the past I've been on Citalopram. So this is the likely cause of my problems? It's definitely time to discuss this with a doctor. And thank you for arming me with some alternatives, I can jot them down and bring them up with my doctor.

I was diagnosed quite late with bipolar (although it is suspected that it has been manifest in my behaviour since early childhood). I also haven't told my boyfriend about my condition yet - I struggle to get jobs being bipolar, so having a relationship I'd rather break it over time... but I guess that time is now. oh boy, how much do you NOT want to be me right now?

But I thank you for your advice. I'd give three thumbs up if I had an extra arm...

[slittylicker]

Remeron is not an SSRI to my knowlege.
It is a tetracyclic. It increases norepinephrine and serotonin.

[CKDK]

Yes, I got mixed up, Mirtazapine was prescribed alongside an SSRI, I knew it was one of the two. So I shouldn't be getting the full side-effects of an SSRI (I didn't realise I was on two antidepressants...).

But I visited the doctor, who gave me good advice and encouragement and told me that it's simply a matter of being ready. It's different for everyone, and she said four months is hardly a point of concern in her eyes (Best not tell some of my friends that, four months would be an eternity...). I might experience a lessened sexual appetite, but it also being my first time she suspects that there's more to it than simply looking for a convenient medical side-effect.

In other words, just give it time. She says when it happens it will have been worth the wait.

Hope she's right.

[willywonka]

Given that it's your first time and the facts about your meds., I couldn't help but agree with Beagle and you doctor. The reasons are just too obvious to be ignored.
Just hang in there, eat right and have regular exercises to let the oxygen and blood flow properly and hope that it helps to somewhat increase your drive. Don't worry, great things come to those who wait.