rape,. please help

[DakaraRose]

Dear Dan and Jenn, I am young and I was raped by my boyfriend/ pre-fiancee's cousin, and that was the first and only time I have had sex. With the way his cousin is, I am afraid that he may have STDs. Me and my fiancee are getting married in a year or a little over and if I do have STDs, I am afraid of giving it to him. I am getting tested when I am ready and think that I can handle it. If I do have STDs, what can I do to not give it to my fiancee when we get married. We are Christians and don't plan to have sex until marriage. I am trying to plan ahead for our future. Should I be this worried or am I getting too stressed over it?
Aurora

[SamIAm]

Oh Aurora, I'm so sorry! Please tell me you've told someone you trust about this? It's extremely important. If you haven't talked to your boyfriend about it, I would recommend that as well. Communication is extremely important, and this is something he needs to know if he is going to be in a lasting relationship with you.

That said, a gynecologist would be the person to talk to. They can help you get tested for STD's to make sure you don't have them, and help you prepare yourself for other things you may need to know before you have sex. If you do go to a gynecologist, be sure to tell them your situation, because they may think of something you do not. Going to a gynecologist before you become sexually active is a good idea anyway, so I'm sure you will find many benefits from it.

I'm so extremely sorry that you've had to go through this, Aurora, and I truly wish you the best in dealing with the situation. I'm a Christian too and I will pray for you, and I know this is just a forum so there's not much I can do for you, but if you think of something please tell me and I will be happy to do what I can for you.

-Samantha

[Melody Brooke]

Aurora,
I, too, am so sorry this happened to you! And, you should definitely see an OB/GYN. I also hope you have gotten help dealing with this. A rape often has long term impact on your sexuality, your self esteem and your emotions. It can also badly impact your relationship with your soon to be husband. I hope that you will go to a martial counselor for pre-marital counseling and talk about what happened.

In your message you implied that the rape was the only sex you've had. Sweetie, rape and sex are two very different things. Rape is about someone taking from you for their own thrills. Its about power and control. They use you to feel better about themselves.

When you are married the memories of what you went through may go through your head when you begin to make love to your husband because the actions can trigger them. But making love is very different than rape. Your husband will not be interested in overpowering you, he will want to share in the joy of touching YOU, intimately, not just taking his pleasure FROM your body. He will be as much enjoying your pleasure as enjoying his own. He will not enjoy it without you enjoying it. VERY unlike rape.

Please talk to someone you trust, see an OB/GYN, see a counselor, and talk about it with your fiance.

[Annabeth in Rhinelander]

I know how hard this must be for you. I am in kinda the same boat. I was raped a couple of years ago and I had never even kissed a man.

You really should get checked by a doctor. (I know everyone is telling you this but it is very important.)

Most (ALL) doctors will let you bring somebody along if it will make you feel more comfortable. Even if they just sit in the waiting room it can still be a big help.

It also helps to tell your doctor in advance so that they know it might take longer to complete your exam due to the STD tests. Also they will go slower and explain everything before it happens so that they do not scare you.

And like the others said please tell your boyfriend because it will most likely come up when you two get intimate because some of the feelings are the same. I am sure you two love each other a lot and he will gladly take it slow because he would never want to hurt you.

Don't be afraid to tell him. I have had to tell several people that they cannot do things and that they have to ask before doing others and that no means NO. All of them took it really well ad were willing to abide by rules that we set up together.

Just make sure that no matter what you are comfortable and feel safe with what you are doing. Because I am positive that your boyfriend would rather have to go slow or not do something than have you crying and scared.

Keep your chin up and if you need to talk I am here.