Dating advice needed.

[Beagle]

Ok, guys. I've given out a lot of free advice, which is usually worth what you pay for it. I need some help with a situation.

Since I began posting, I took the advice I received on this forum and I began dating again. It's been going fairly well. Actually, I'm doing better than I expected. (I'm 44). There are more interested women that I had expected. So, you guys gave me good advice.

Let me tell the issue that comes up, that has been going on since I was in my twenties. When I'm with someone I am would like a romantic relationship with, I begin feeling like I have to impress her. This isn't a problem if I'm dating casually or just going to an activity with someone. Interestingly, the desirability of the woman doesn't seem to make that much of a difference either. It's when I start thinking this is someone I'd like to take a bottle of wine to the lake then put a sleeping bag around our shoulders and talk about the stars, then these issues come up.

Of course, I know the theory and how this torpedoes relationships. I had a date last night, and things were going fine until we began talking over dinner. I realized that this was someone I might want something special with. At that point, well, that's when I began struggling with wanting to impress her. I did pretty well, but made a couple of slip-ups. I probably did come off as uneasy, though.

Could I please have suggestions on how to suppress this urge, or how to work with it. Like I say, it's not a problem until I realize this is someone I might actually want to share things with.

Thank you guys so much for all your help. The advice I've gotten in the past has been great. I appreciate everything you guys do to help the people who come here.

Beagle.

[bobotkc]

Honestly, I don't know why you would want to suppress that response because I've always found how uneasy guys get while trying to impress someone nicer to see than someone who does everything perfectly. It shows that I'm liked enough that I make someone nervous, and it also tells me that they aren't casanova with so much experience that I'd feel like one of the hundreds but, they are trying to do their best and that says more than pulling it all off perfectly. It looks rehearsed if it is done flawlessly.

[Beagle]

Bob: I think the problem is that I come off not as nervous, but as wrapped up in myself and/or insecure. I agree nervous could be cute, but I don't think that's the whole story.

[DissolvedGirl]

I have a mate who used to treat his (then) girlfriend like a little princess, buying everything for her coz that was all she actually wanted. He thought that was love back then; impressing her with how much he could spend on her. This is a totally extreme case of what you appear to be doing, but bear with me.
You shouldn't feel the need to overly impress; relationships that need all the flair and can't just be based around a great friendship aren't worth it coz they're just hollow. Also you could end up feeling resentful one day if the relationship did escalate and you carried on like this while she did nothing in return! Be yourself and if she falls for you on your own merits and you likewise you'll know it's worth it. THEN in come the gestures...

I think almost all women would love the scenario you said, but after a few dates had gone by first. If the gesture is a simple one that specifically she'll enjoy then go for it after you've been together a while... Store up these romantic gestures for when they're called for like her birthday, valentines or your anniversaries etc. After all, these personal gestures require some time getting to know her for you to work out what to do anyway! - If you don't know what she's into, you won't be able to make that personal gesture thus eliminating the "am I coming on too strong, too soon?" element.

Personal example here: for my bf and my 2yrs together we went on a flint knapping course. Yeah you read that right. Not overly romantic on its own, but it was something that we both really wanted to do and we had a great time! It's finding those things that mean more than the generic cards and candy approach that show a girl you're really interested in her alone. Try and tailor your need to impress in this kinda way when it's called for and it'll mean so much more.

Hope that helped and I didn't get the wrong end of the stick so to speak :/

[spaniard]

Hi Beagle, I've enjoyed reading your posts. They have been very helpful.

I went through a divorce after 11 years of being married. It was pretty much the only life I knew, so when I had to start dating again it was like learning a second language. I had some issues with this as well, but after reading up a bit I learned to change the game in my mind. No longer was I trying to impress her, rather, I made her impress me. It didn't matter how attractive or how much I liked her, she had to impress me and win me over. Fortunately, as a man things get better as we age and there is no shortage of available women to date. So even if I was really into a girl, I had to believe that there was no reason to attach myself emotionally until she made that move. My number one rule in dating was "nothing is a big deal", which allowed me to detach my normally strong urge to be in a relationship and prove myself. If she liked me, that's great. If not, I didn't care. Having that attitude made all the difference in the world to me. Also, once you begin talking to a woman about how great your life is, you need to frame in such a way that she can be part of that picture. Otherwise she may not think that you are someone that she could realistically be with, and that you will start looking for a better woman.

HTH...

[Beagle]

Originally Posted by DissolvedGirl

relationships that need all the flair and can't just be based around a great friendship aren't worth it coz they're just hollow. Also you could end up feeling resentful one day if the relationship did escalate and you carried on like this while she did nothing in return! Be yourself and if she falls for you on your own merits and you likewise you'll know it's worth it. THEN in come the gestures...

I :/

This perspective on the problem really range true for me. If she can't fall for me, it's really not worth it. I've dated some great girls in the past, but I do tend to shoot myself in the foot with one I REALLY like. Just focusing on getting to know her also rings true with me.

I think Spaniards perspective

Originally Posted by spaniard

So even if I was really into a girl, I had to believe that there was no reason to attach myself emotionally until she made that move. My number one rule in dating was "nothing is a big deal", which allowed me to detach my normally strong urge to be in a relationship and prove myself. If she liked me, that's great. If not, I didn't care. Having that attitude made all the difference in the world to me. Also, once you begin talking to a woman about how great your life is, you need to frame in such a way that she can be part of that picture. Otherwise she may not think that you are someone that she could realistically be with, and that you will start looking for a better woman.
HTH...

also hit into the heart of the matter. That triggered a thought - I do think I get carried away when I'm with someone I really like, and that's kind of what you both hit into. I suspect I need to continue to develop other relationships when I'm dating that special person so that relationship isn't so crucial to me and I'm not so worried about her impression of me; at least in the early stages. I like your suggestion on "nothing is a big deal." That's what I'm going to do. That's good advice. Thanks guys. You were very helpful.

[Melody Brooke]

When we find ourselves trying to impress someone it means we don't think we are impressive enough just as we are.

When someone starts to be important to us then we really want to impress them! So when you start thinking that you want her to like you your insecurities are unleashed.

Why do you not think you are enough just as you are? Is there any truth to your belief?

Anxiety like that comes up only because we don't really believe we are lovable just as we are. I can really relate to this one as I suffered from this my whole adult life. Learning to love and accept yourself just you are will help you relax around women and focus instead on whether or not this is someone YOU want to be with.

Also, we tend to get excited when we get some flags that this is a person we could be with and ignore the flags that tell us otherwise because we want so badly to have it work out. All that is magnified if we don't believe we are lovable and we accept behaviors and types of people we wouldn't if we really cared about ourselves.