marriage help

[JEFF]

I Was Dating This Girl For Some Time And Got Deployed To Iraq And Begine To Chat With Other Girls On The Phone And Internet Sharing Photos And I Got Cought By My Girlfriend And She Was Upset And Got Ok With It After Time And We Stayed Together And I Came Back On R And R For 2 Weeks And We Got Married In July And I Had To Go Back 3 Days After We Got Married, I Then Came Back In November For Good And Then Everything Weas Good Until Feburary And Then Begain To Talk To One Girl That I Used To Before And She Left A Message On My Voice Mail And My Wife Found It And Now Wants A Divorce And To File For Seperation And She Lives With Her Mom About 3 Miles Away, I Dont Want A Divorce Or To Be Seperated So What Can I Do To Get Her Back And To Get Her Trust Back Over Time. That Girl I Talked To Lives In Flordia And We Live In North Carolina And I Have Never Ment Her Other Than On The Phone And Internet So How Can This Be Fixed? We Both Agreed On Marriage Counseling, Is That A Good Idea? I Love Her Very Much And Now Know That From Her Moving Out And Relizing Things After She Left. What Can I Do? Jeff From Hope Mills, Nc

[Dan And Jennifer]

I think counseling is a great idea because she needs to feel that she can trust you. Having said that, she needs to explore the reasons why she feels threatened by your talking to other girls. It's a two way street and you both need to go into counseling 'owning' your share of the responsibility for your actions and for making the marriage work.

Far too many people go to counseling with the intent of fixing the other person - that's a mistake. It takes two!

A good counselor can help you both walk through both of your issues and concerns.

Just make sure to choose a counselor that meets both of your needs and that you both feel comfortable with. It's OK to check out two or ten before deciding on the right one - most will give you a free consultation.

We Went To Counseling But She Said In The Session That She Dont Need Help Its Me That Does And She Also Said That I Cheated On Her Cause I Did Sexual Things Over The Phone And It Was With A Girl I TalKED To Before And She Said That I Was Emotionaly And Physical And Mentaily Abusive To Her That Why She Wants Out, But On The Same Hand Ahe Dont Want A Divorce From Me And She Lives At Her Moms So What Do I Do And How Do I Handle This Issue? Jeff

[Dan And Jennifer]

ugh... it sounds like she's not willing to accept her share of the responsibility in this.

That you can't control, but you can control your actions.

If you did talk with girl(s) behind her back - by our definition - that is cheating. It's a breaking of the trust. The best thing that you can do to help her get through that is to admit any wrong doing and truly and sincerely apologize - dont' try to justify it or argue about it - as bad as you may want to. Just apologize and then close your mouth. :-) You may have to do this 10 times or 100 times, what ever it takes to convince her that you're really sorry.

If you really love her and want this to work, you may have to give a little, maybe even a little more than you feel is fair. Ask yourself what's more important - being right? or keeping your marriage together?

As for living at her mom's - sounds like she needs some space to breath and some time to think. Give it to her. Maybe sent her some flowers, or a note, but don't call her every day - give her some space.

[Mac]

She is probably more then likely right brudda. See it from her perspective. You have broken the trust that has been pre defined by the boundaries of being emotionally, physically, and spiritually available to your wife solely. Cheating is basically breaking this trust when you deny or rob your wife of your time attention and physical, emotional, or spiritual that was promised defined and set by your vows.

When you give attention, time, or any physical means towards another woman either on the phone or otherwise you break this trust. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you be royally pissed and flip the Fk out going rambo on someone's happy a** if you found your wife to be chatting online to other dudes? phone sex with other dudes? etc?

what's good for the goose is good for the gander man. She's in the right basically, you are the one that messed up big time. Briefly apologize, and give her the space she needs for now. figure out how you are going to fix this stupid silly mistake and prove that you will in other words never do this again and build up her trust again.

What is seemingly innocent and just fun and games is more then that and you know it. Chat rooms, phone sex, sharing pics etc, that all leads to fantasies, lust and desires that ultimately if given time to cultivate will lead to worse things. You know this, everyone else knows this, and you're wife isn't stupid. I'm sure you can figure out why she's so pissed off.

Go fix this brother. You can do it. You know the right thing to do now

[fawkse]

first, you broke the confidence in her blind trust.
everyone in general is guilty of this.
you may have thought it was harmless to have these little fanatsy flings at the time, but you never thought of your committment to your woman.
men are naturally sexual creatures. it's their instinct to desire other woman.
woman on the other hand, are sensitive creatures. we become emotionally involved with our mates.
once a woman becomes threatend by another woman in her relationship, she becomes a whirlwind of pain.
you don't even have to be sexual with another woman for this to happen. all that is needed to strat this is to give your attention to another woman.
time can heal these wounds, but some women can never forgive their lover in this situation.
counseling is great, but if she wont admit to her own self defeating behaviours, then your realtionship is done.
it is a joint effort on both parties.
my advice is to learn from this and move forward in life. forgive yourself for letting her down, and seek out a companioship with someone whom will grow with you.
relationships are job to keep. it's never going to be "happy ever after".

[Sub In Tenn]

Originally Posted by Dan And Jennifer

I think counseling is a great idea because she needs to feel that she can trust you. Having said that, she needs to explore the reasons why she feels threatened by your talking to other girls. It's a two way street and you both need to go into counseling 'owning' your share of the responsibility for your actions and for making the marriage work.

Far too many people go to counseling with the intent of fixing the other person - that's a mistake. It takes two!

A good counselor can help you both walk through both of your issues and concerns.

Just make sure to choose a counselor that meets both of your needs and that you both feel comfortable with. It's OK to check out two or ten before deciding on the right one - most will give you a free consultation.

you heard some good advice,so take it.get over there with some flowers,get on your knees and ask for her forgiveness and your marriage back[and mean it!].Also keep off the computer as it seems what got you in this mess in the first place.By the way...Thanks for Serving for Us