How to move to the next level with my girlfriend

[thirtyzDude]

Some info about me: I'm in the my thirtys, I've been in a number of sexual relationships. My girlfriend is in her late twenties, is a virgin, and has never been in a serious relationship. When we first started out, she was very stand-offish: she wouldn't let me kiss her the first time I tried, saying she was "mean." Things moved on to kissing and making out, but she wouldn't let me touch her down there. The first time I, without thinking, put my hands down the back of her pants, she threatened to kill me if I did it again - not literally, of course, but she meant business. When we had the sex talk, she told me she waiting for marriage, and that she wouldn't sleep with me. I almost left at that point, but she pulled me back in, saying that "maybe someday" we would decide to have sex.

However, things didn't really progress the way I wanted it to, and we broke up. I told her it was very sexually unsatisfying being with her. We got back together, and things happened very rapidly. We were naked together, she started giving me handjobs. I let her know that I wanted a sexual relationship with her, just to be clear. She acknowledged what I had said, and we stayed together. She said for things to go further (oral sex, intercourse), I would need an STD test, which I got. Something was still gnawing at me, and we fought often...later I realized that the main problem was that she just isn't very emotional, or demonstrative...she doesn't tell me what she wants or how I make her feel. I want the feeling, the desire to be mutual.

Anyway, she's told me recently she wants to have sex with me, but she's worried that we'll break up if we do. There have been some times where we've come close to breaking up, but mainly because I was at the end of my rope - I felt like I was banging my head against the wall with her. I never knew how she felt, or if she even thought about me sexually, that sort of thing. I told her I wanted her to tell me how she feels, and how I make her feel. I told her that when I make her orgasm, I feel good because I'm making her feel good. She seemed to like that. So she's trying to be more vocal now, which is good. I just don't know how to proceed.

When I told her that my test was clean, she replied with "are you sure?!?" Then she went on the web and got a list of some STDs that my $250 8-test panel hadn't covered. I felt, well, kinda cheated. I told her to email me the list, but she hasn't yet. She also shies away from my genitals coming close to hers; we get each other off and sleep naked, but it still seems like acts of service as opposed to a mutual connection. I really want that with her; it feels like something is missing. I've been talking more about sex with her (planting the seed, so to speak), and she tells me she likes to hear that, but I don't know if it turns her on. She still has her hymen, and doesn't want me to penetrate just yet. "Maybe someday soon," she tells me.

It's really getting tough for me; when she's giving me a handjob and asks me if I like it, I reply yes...but I'm thinking I want more. For a while I felt bad about wanting that with her, but now I've come to the conclusion that a) this is the way I am, and b) I've been very clear with her about my expectations. So for all you people that would say "if you love her enough, you'd wait," my response is this: I love myself too, and cannot remain in an unfulfilling relationship - it will just kill my spirit. Sorry for the length of this post. Any ideas anyone?

[Xero]

My best suggestion is to continually talk to her about it. I think that's the only way your going to get through to her.

I know where your coming from and how you feel. I also understand your reasoning of if she cannot fulfill your desires than shes not for you. That is how its supposed to go in a way, because both people in the relationship are supposed to be happy not miserable.

I know its not much advice but that's the best I can come up with for now.

[clarita]

I'm in exactly the same situation you describe. Only difference: I am the girl. My bf is also in his 30s, I'm in my late 20s and still a virgin. I also asked for the STD test and also went online to find diseases not covered by the test. He also tries his best but has only gotten one handjob, yes only one, and it was long ago. We also sleep in the same bed sometimes but I don't allow him to touch me below the waist. I'm very specific about boundaries and made a big fuss when he tried to put his hand under my pants. I didn't threaten to kill him, just to castrate him. He complains and expresses his frustration constantly. He hasn't threatened to leave me though. He is waiting. All I can say is your girlfriend will not have sex with you if she doesn't want to, it doesn't matter how hard you try. It may be the way she was raised, some deep moral conviction, or some abuse experience she hasn't told you about... Maybe if you stop insisting she will give in... but, honestly, it is not likely, rather she will be relieved you stop. I hate when my bf insists, it makes me think he is a pervert only interested in sex. Although I know its not true, as he has been with me for two years without getting anything from me. In my view if you can't be in a sexless relationship with your current gf you should just leave. There are many girls out there willing to put out, no need to be preassuring someone who won't. Don't make yourself miserable. Just leave. You are pushing the girl to do something she doesn't want to do... she wants to wait until marriage, if you can't respect that, then you are with the wrong girl. If you have sex with her she will hate you after that because she will feel she betrayed herself because of you, she will blame you for it and be very resentful towards you... instead of being an enjoyable experience it will be a source of anxiety, guilt, depression... and other horrible feelings. Just let her follow her own clock, get yourself a girl like yourself and everyone will be happy.

[thirtyzDude]

She's told me she wants to have sex, but that she wants to get the HPV vaccine first. She also wants to go to her gyno and get the pain thing checked out (when I even try to penetrate her vagina she says it hurts, like an open wound.) But she told me that a couple of weeks ago and I don't think she's made an appointment or anything. The other night she's straddling me naked, telling me she's thinking about f**ing me. We did have another sex talk a while back; she told me part of her wishes that I loved her enough to wait, but that she has already "changed her mind" about having sex before marriage. What's up with that?!? She's told me several times that she doesn't necessarily want to wait until marriage; she just wants to find the right guy. (yes, contradicting herself). I've told her that this difference in sexual compatibility concerns me and I'd like to resolve that before we get engaged. She has also talked about us getting married. But she's so weird about sex; last night she was humping my leg to get off! After we pleasure each other she rushes off to take a shower. Every time that I've confronted her about it ("just tell me you want to wait, and we'll stop doing all this other stuff") she's told me that she doesn't necessarily want to wait...I am so confused.

[Xero]

I would suggest that you sit down with her and talk to her about this.

This should be done with concern about your relationship, so don't come off hostile or it will drive her off. She may be having a problem understanding what she wants due to hormones.

Once both of you sit and discuss this fully you will both be on the right page. The only reason that things are not adding up is because both of you are not using communication to get over the issues you are both having. Just be nice when you are talking to her.

If you both where to have sex now and not talk about it, then its just going to ruin your relationship because you are not communicating.

If you are no both ready to talk about this then you are certainly not ready for sex.

[thirtyzDude]

We've talked about it before, and again today. I asked her if she felt unwilling or obligated with the stuff we do now. She said no. I asked her if she felt that what we were doing was dirty, and that's why she would always take a shower afterward. She said no; she just felt sticky/etc, and didn't like that. I told her that what we were doing now was getting to be frustrating, that I felt like she was procrastinating on getting all the "prerequisites" out of the way because she didn't really want to. Once again, I told her she should come clean and just tell me if she doesn't want to have sex. Once again, she told me she wants to, but is having inner conflict about it. She's been raised a certain way, and this is a big change for her. She also told me that she's a part of this relationship too, and that when it happens it'll be because she wants to and not because I forced her into anything. So I told her "ok, then we'll go into it as two willing and equal partners, alright?" She agreed. Uhh, I'm not sure what else to do....

[Beagle]

I have two considerations/possibilities here. One is that she has values and she is sticking to them. The second is that she has some hang-ups about sex and is using the other reasons as an excuse. if the first is true, then that will disappear if and when she has the commitment she feels is appropriate. If the second is true, then it will get worse.

Fear of disease really doesn't explain the problem with feeling "sticky." That leads me to think there is more to this. I wonder if you're not dealing with some form of sexual aversion problem.

I'm going to agree with the previous post that communication is the key here. This has been going on long enough, you've laid your cards on the table, and I think it's time to ask her to do the same. Sexuality is obviously very important to you, and I would encourage you not to marry until you know what is going on here. If she is just preserving her value of being a virgin when she marries, then I applaud her and you should be grateful for what you've found. If she has other reasons for avoiding sex, then this is a time-bomb waiting to go off. You don't want to be married then find out she has a major aversion to sex, which is one possibility that really jumps out at me here. I think it's time for her to be as open with you as you've been with her.

[Xero]

I agree with Beagle

You need to be very open with her and talk about everything and anything that comes to mind that could cause a problem with sex.

There are just too many people that get married and divorce due to a problem in the bed. This shouldn't happen to you and you should just be aware of what can happen.

I'm not saying go and question her about everything and make a big deal out of this and make your self look like an ***. What I am saying is just make sure you have a clear vision of what is going on in your life and do respect her and her boundaries.

[thirtyzDude]

She just has so many issues, that I let become my issues and make me tense. She has problems with PDA, including (sometimes) a simple hug and a kiss. If there's people around, she's watching them, seeing if they're watching us hugging. She's convinced people don't like any display of affection in public, while I'm definitely more liberated, couldn't care less about what people think, and don't think all that many people (if any) are scrutinizing us anyway. It's like reverse narcissism. I'm the guy here, and I care more about the physical affection than she does! Argghh!!! She's also overweight, and seemingly gaining more weight, and is constantly seeking reassurance for it. The other day we were at a bar and she asked me if I thought she was as fat as another girl. Ugh. She's not very spontaneous, so when I try to do stuff with her (in private of course), out of the blue, there always seems to be somewhere we have to go. Last night I tried that, but we had plans to go to the coffee shop, so she said we would continue when we got back. We got back, and she wanted to sit outside and talk. I had already promised her a full body massage, and did that (with candles and music, the whole bit). Then she fell asleep, as my massages are very good. She felt bad about it in the morning, but I can't help but wonder if she was avoiding the whole thing by wanting to sit outside. Most girls that I've been with, if they're horny, they're racing me to the bedroom. It's that mutual excitement...and it doesn't seem like this girl and I have it. Oh, and we started talking about birth control, and I mentioned that, while effective, the condom is not 100% and if she wants more protection she might want to think about an IUD or something. She replied that she doesn't want to implant anything, she doesn't want to stick anything "up there," and she doesn't want to take birth control as it has hormones. So anyway....lots of issues, and I'm starting to wonder if it will ever get any better. What kind of regulations will she have concerning sex?

[Beagle]

I'm going to advise you to proceed very cautiously here. This could just be a desire to avoid sex until marriage, which would be perfectly healthy. I'm going to bet that this girl has some hangups about sex that aren't going to disappear with marriage. You need to make sure you have all this answered before you proceed to commitment and marriage. I don't think you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with these issues.