Have I been leading him on? Should we move in or break up?

[Jake in Ottawa]

Summary: My bf of 4 years wants us to move in or break up. I know our rel'p isn't perfect but I figure as long as I have friends and family to fill the parts where we dont match I wont be any less satisfied than with a better matching partner. My Friends say that this is settling, but I really dont feel unhappy with the way things are. If I dont really love him then I'm leading him on and in a few years we'll break up or be unhappy. But if I break up then regardless there will be lasting pain and loss on both sides.

Details:
I've been in a relationship with my bf for about 4 years now. It originally started with being friends with benefits, and progressed to bfs 6 months later. We have seperate apartmnets, and this has been a source of tension. He's about 10 years older than me, so while I'm just finishing up university, he wants to settle down. Recently he's been upset by my not wanting to move in with him, he feels I'm avoiding commitment. He recently gave me an ultimatum: "If you dont want to move in together then you're leading me on. Either we plan to move in soon or we break up"

There have been lots of reasons not to move in: too little space, to far from school, lack of transportation, his somewhat rigid decorating tastes. But I dont want to break up either. I do think I love him, I find him attractive, sex is pheonominal (by order of magnitude better than any other sexual partner I've had), we dont share many common interests but over time he's picked up a few of mine and me a few of his. I've found that the lack of common interests and core values sometimes makes it difficult or impossible to have really really deep conversations, but I satisfy that particular need through my friends so I dont feel my life is incomplete. Puppy love ended a long time ago but we still express love verbally, gentle touch, etc. (I dont really put much importance on puppy love anyway)

In response to his ultimatim I picked a move in date as the end of school. I've been told independetly by some close friends that they dont think I've dated enough, and that I shouldn't move in unless I feel 110% gung-ho about it. I'm not really one to expirence strong emotions so I'm not sure if I dont meet this requirement because of a lower range of emotions or because this isn't the best rel'p for me.

I know our rel'p isn't the best it could be, but I dont see anything wrong with it. As jigsaw pieces we aren't a perfect match, but I have friends and family to fill the parts where we dont fit, and when I think of breaking up it makes me feel really sad and depressed. I dont want to break up. My friends say I'm settling due to guilt, a fear of loss and his ultimatum, but I think I'm too close to the situation to gauge that fairly.

If I move in with him but dont truly love him then I'll end up unhappy and either live with the unhappiness or break up in a few years, and we'd both be a few more years less likely to find someone else.

If I break up to try dating again, then wether or not I actually love him, I'll have broken his heart and have been leading him on for 4 years. I dont think he'd want to maintain even a friendly relationship if I did that and everything we've built for the last four years would have been lost. Further I'd feel like I'd have stolen 4 years he could have had with someone else who loved him more than I did.

[cukrik]

Partnership is not about "really loving" each other. There are more important things like children or helping each other , you name it.

i think that your relationship is very good. but I have some questions about your partner.

is he sympathic to you?
is he responsible in work?
can he make compromise when arguing?
do he get easily angry without reason?
is he regretful without reason?
do he needs you and you needs him?

common hobbies absolutely doesn't matter, as long as you tolerate his hobbies and he tolerate yours its fine!. when you have common hobbies it's only +.

If I were you, I would probably move in depending on the answers. Only real problem is the transportation problem. I'm sure you will solve the decoration and choose some deco you both will have nothing against.