Its been 3 weeks, should I just let go?

[Nancy in Chicago]

Hello Dan and Jennifer: I know this is long but please read, I need help!!

First I have to tell you that I'm so happy that I ran into your web through Youtube. I wish I would have found it 4 weeks ago.

I broke up with my boyfriend three weeks ago in a haste decision and am now regretting it. I know/knew he loved me.

I need to start from from the beginning and hope I am objective enough so that someone could PLEASE shed some light.

My boyfriend is a very secure person. He is a very independent person and claims that what attracted him to me so much was my independence. I have many friends and am involved in many projects constantly in my life.

His parents owned a building and they had an apartment in the basement which they gave to him to live in when he was 13. He has pretty much lived alone since then. He is now 47. He still lives alone and has never actually had a "real" relationship until he met me. He has 3 children from 2 different women, neither of which he committed to. The first woman was his first. I have met her and she just seems very promiscuous. The second woman who he has the 2 children with was the good girl next door. She is still single and lives in his mother's building. I think she is still waiting for him. From what he told me, she would just let him do whatever he wanted. She was a "yes" woman. He also made the mistake of telling me that up until 1 year (I personally don't think it was that long) before he and I got together, they were still having sex with eachother. They spent all the holidays together and did family things, but he never committed to her.

He had been very happy just having many women "friends" and sexual relationships with no committments.

Now, for the past 2 1/2 years we have had a great relationship. We have had our issues but have always managed to work them out. We have soooo many things in common and have a great time together.

He cheated on me very early on in the relationship and asked me to forgive him. I don't think that he has ever cheated on me again but of course the doubt was always there.

Well, in June I ran into this guy that I somewhat had started dating when I first met my ex but nothing ever happened. We just mutually stopped calling eachother. Guy No. 2 had recently had his girlfriend break up with him and was feeling kind of down. I was there trying to be a friend to him and I guess he started to develop feelings for me. He started talking about how good we would be together and that fate had brought us together again, and the stars and all that other stuff were aligned for us. Guy No. 2 started to point out the things that my boyfriend wasn't doing and how he would treat me like the queen I am, etc. etc. Well, I started to see my boyfriend different and resenting him for certain things like not picking me up to give me a ride home from work when he knew I was working late, stupid things like that that had never bothered me before.

I started to act like a nag and complain about a lot of things. I once told him that I felt alone with him because I always had to figure out my problems by myself. 3 weeks before we actually broke up, Guy No. 2 wanted to hang out with me on a Saturday night and I was at my boyfriends house, I started a little argument with him so that I could leave which escalated into me grabbing all my belongings and starting to leave when he stopped me and said, "hey I'll do whatever you want me to do." I saw the desperation in his eyes and started crying because I felt so bad that I could see how much this man loved me and here I am starting a stupid fight so that I could go with someone else.

Okay, here is the finale. 3 weeks ago I had a contractor give me an estimate for an addition to my home. He toldme that I would need to find some place to stay because the roof had to be torn off of my house and I couldn't be there. Well, I told my ex about this (the first time he even knew I was considering construction to my house) and told him what the contractor told me. He didn't say a word. I let it go, later on that evening I said to him again that I was going to need a place to stay while they fixed my house and if it was alright to stay with him. His response was "yeah, I figured that out when you were talking to me about it earlier." I said "okay, well do you think I could stay here with you." His response was "well, I guess so, just tell me what the time frame is." I was very hurt by this and didn't say anything at the moment. We went to bed and the next morning he woke and asked if it would be alright for him to go to church with his mother. I then asked him if he would prefer that I found somewhere else to stay during construction. His response was, "Well, I think it was your presentation. I don't appreciate you assuming that you could stay here." WOW!!!!! that completely blew my mind. In a very calm way I told him "don't worry its not a big deal, I'll find someplace else to stay." His response to that was "okay." I was so hurt that I waited for him to leave and just packed all my stuff while he was at church and left. I knew that he would be calling upon his arrival back so I forwarded my cell phone to a number I knew was disconnected so that he could get the "the number you have reached" message. I once told him that I used to do this to guys I was not interested in ever hearing from when I was dating (before him of course).

Its been 3 weeks and I haven't heard from him. I'm regretting everything up until that last day.

PLEASE I know this is a long one but I need help. I'm not sleeping, I'm miserable without him. I don't know what to do anymore.

[fawkse]

you shouldn't wait around expecting him to call you. from your statement, both of you were cold and distant through the break up.
if you really feel that bad, write him a letter. put it on his door or in the mail. tell him the truth, all of it.
you will feel better, but i wouldn't expect him to come running back to you.
relationships are very hard work. no one comes equipt to deal with all the issues that arise. we all learn as we go through these things.
remember that you already had questionable issues arise before the other guy pointed out them to you.
unless this guy is ready to change those quirks, he's never going to change. ask yourself, would i be happy with him just the way he was?
if your anawere is yes, then apologize, and wait and see if he'll open back up.
if you think that you are going to have him change those quirks to make you happy, you are wrong.
you are a very special person. you are very unique. you have all the time in the world to find a man that is the perfect match for you. you shouldn't settle for something that is only half assed in your mind. all relationdhips take work, patience, forgivenss, and love. both people involved have to work together with the same common goal for the relationship to grow.
good luck
~fawkse~

[Nancy in Chicago]

Thanks for the advice Fawkse. They say that no one is perfect. If you have at least 70% of what you are looking for, then try and work out the other 30. I by no means am perfect. I have many flaws that I am trying to work on as I type. So if I can be someone's 70% too, it will be wonderful if they can try and work with my 30% defect. LOL LOL.

I have sent him the letter just apologizing period. I haven't asked him to call me or for anything else. Its just an apology. I guess its my closure since we never really had one.

Thanks again.