A Bit of a Situation..

[supergimpoman]

Hey all, first thread,

I'm in a bit of a situation here. I'm a recently divorced young man (I'm 20). The woman that I married is the one that initiated the divorce. Let me make this clear from the start, we didn't fight, yell or even have disagreements. I'll describe how our relationship went..

We met online a few years back during our senior year of high school. She lived a state away from me, but we started dating long distance. All we really did is talk to eachother online or over the phone. Anywhoo, that summer after I graduated I flew out to her house to meet her. We found out that we really were what the other person was expecting. She moved out to where I lived and our relationship continued to progress and grow. About two years after we decided to move to her home state and get married. About two months after the ceremony we divorced.

Like I said, we didn't fight. We didn't even argue or anything. Our problem was my laziness, my unwillingness to grow and become an adult. Let me say a little bit about myself to explain why I felt the way I did..

I'm a paraplegic. I got Cerebral Palsy from an innoculation at 3 months old. Luckily, I have a light case of CP and it only effects my legs, I can't walk.

Back to what I was saying.. the reason why I was unwilling was mostly fear. I don't know if you'll understand or not, but being disabled effects ones confidence and goals in life. Now, I have done a lot that most other disabled people haven't done or would dream of doing.. but getting a job is just something that scared me. I'm not much for people or large crowds or anything like that, that may be a reason why.

Anywho, that was her reason for divorcing me. I totally respect and understand why she made the choice that she did.

Now here's my current dilemma..

There's a girl who I've known for about 6 years now, also met online and haven't met. But I feel a very strong bond and connection with her. She's going to be moving across the country out to where I am in a few months time.

(not only because of me, but also because the area is really beautiful and possible job opportunites.. but then again, she could move back to her original home in another state) ((she moved while we were talking online to another state))

I'm nervous as hell because I've had feelings for her since I've known her. She's extremely intelligent, beautiful and a wonderful person to talk to. I'm nervous because I haven't officially asked her out yet, but she's already making plans on the move.. and I know that she has feelings for me as well.

I want to know if it'd be best for me to wait it out and tell her how I feel in person, or tell her before she makes the move.

I'm sorry if this was extremely confusing.. just thought I should give a little background on myself before anything.

Thank you so much for your thoughts!
~Logan

[jeanintro*quitex]

Hey Logan!

You're a tough man. I really admire you. And I understand you're afraid of what may happen in the future. Well, I know it might not be the same, but when your parents decided to have children they didn't knew what might happen. They took the risk, they had you: a beautiful person. And you might have beautiful siblings too. Or, the scientists took a risk and turned on the Particle Accelerator, knowing it might kill us all, but they want to know what might happen. Or you took risks everyday at high school, and elementary school and every single day, because you never know what might happen.

Incredibly, people are way nicer than you could expect. For many employers, you're just one employee more, and they treat you as any other employee, that is if you act like a normal employee. Self compassion should not be a part of yourself. Self esteem should.

The reasons your ex left you are legit: marriage is the toughest business in the world. If it is unbalanced, it won't work. I am not blaming you, but you should've pushed a little further.

Time to move on - if you didn't pushed further before, it is the time to do so. Understand something: You're beautiful as a person and no one should criticize you or make you down. The only way they can make you down is with your consent, so don't allow them!

About the girl: Get to know her a little more first. Don't rush into relationship, don't settle for comfortable. Don't let her control what you do or how you act. Keep it casual. If you both see a future in your friendship developing into something else, go for it. But don't rush the train, it might crash if you do so.

I don't expect you to get a whole big load of self-confidence overnight. Work on it. How? Meet friends. It is hard, for everyone is and it might be harder for you. Go to the local library, or video store, or any club nearby. Take Spanish or French lessons, or singing, or guitar, piano, you name it. Be socially active. You'll see that people are nicer than what you think. And if you have a negative response, well, they're the ones with the problems, not you. Accept the fact that they could change their attitude, when you might not change who you are easily. Accept that they can't diminish you, or that they can't define who you are to others and to yourself.

I am fighting a somewhat similar fight as yours - coming out. Well, if I get a negative response (none at the moment ) I would just move on. No need to dwell on someone else's not liking you, or accepting you, because you don't depend on that other person (Unless it is the World's King and Total dominator, something that won't happen anytime soon).

Smile! Everyday is a new day. A new page you write with the ink of adventure. Will you write today, or not? You, and just you, have the answer for that.

-Jean
Who is always here to talk

[supergimpoman]

Thank you for the support and advice. I'll be sure to tread carefully and think long and hard about what I choose to say to her. I don't want our friendship to end from me being too forward, or quick. I'll be careful.

~Logan