I think my husband still has feelings for his ex!

[karmy]

Dear Dan and Jennifer,
I have been married for a year now! And I still get frustrated with my husbands ex girlfriend, Let me start off by 6 months after we got married he still had her name as a passcode,and he still had her e-mails with pictures! He also got deffensive when i had mentioned a comment about her being a little bulky in a picture,and everytime i say something about working in a resturant he gets defensive and starts attacking me,saying I dont have respect for people in the bussiness, just because she worked in it. Beside the fact that she left him for another man almost 5 years ago, I think he needs to let it go! Also when we first moved in our apt,he said I remeber when lisa and I first got our place! Im sorry but all this makes me angry!! And when I say shes sounds like a slut he gets mad! when she cheated on him 3 times with different men! Help ?

[Dan And Jennifer]

I see a few things going on here... And I'm going to be very direct and call it like I see it.

1. He may harbor some feeling for his ex.
2. You definitely seem to have some jealousy anger issues around his ex.

Even in this message, you were very angry and aggressive in your statements about his ex which leads me to believe that even if he has feelings for her, he's not going to be comfortable telling you that for fear of retribution.

So my question to you is "Who's attacking whom?" Why are you say angry with her or with him for caring for her?

As we get older, we all acquire some baggage... If you really love him and want to be with him, you get his baggage and he gets yours.

He chooses to be with you, not her. If she is the one that left him, he may be having some difficulty getting past that. He's hurt with good reason. You help him get through it or make it worse by attacking and setting ultimatums...

Why the anger and jealousy?

Recognize that jealousy and anger are both fear based emotions, so step one is to understand what you are afraid of... And then address those within yourself. Only then can he share his feeling with you openly.

Also, when we're afraid, we try to gain control. It seems that you want to control his feelings for his ex and I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that you cannot control another persons feeling, emotions, or actions. You'll drive yourself mad trying.

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I think you need to deal with your feelings and emotions first - and then try to understand his. One step at a time...