His porn makes me feel worthless, undesirable, hurt and unloved... please help me!

[rucus777]

Ok saw the porn cheating video but... Porn was ruined for me by my current significant other..... We have been together for 6 years and when we got together he was a "virgin" but I wasn't. He had an addiction to porn and was unable to be "pleased" by anyone buy himself due to the extent of his masterbation. I took all movies and mags away and eventually we were able to overcome the obstacle. I now feel upset and lose any desire towards him when I find porn around the house. It makes me feel worthless and undesireable as well as hurt and unloved...please help me! My self esteem is being affected as is our relationship.

[scarbowl]

Well....most guys like porn. Most girls do not. This isn't absolute but I think it is generally true.

Guys who like it find a way to keep it - magazines, websites, etc.

He would have it whether he was with you or not. It has nothing to do with you. And if you are going to be bothered by it you'll need to find another partner - one who is better at hiding it.

That said, too many men get their idea of sex/intimacy from pornography. Most women aren't like that seen in pornography (nor are most men but we ignore that). Most women don't "like it in the ass" as you would see in porno nor is it that big a thrill to have a man cum on your face, I imagine. These ideas arise from pornography.

What men do like in pornography is the enthusiasm that the women show. And, in my limited experience, most women aren't like that. The idea of men as the pursuers and women as the object is experienced by many men. Women become the ones who dole it out (or not) as they wish. In pornography, women are voracious about sex.

In truth, most of us guys couldn't handle a woman with a high sex drive. We just aren't physiologically capable. But the idea of it is very exciting.

Maybe you could find some "female friendly" pornography. There are studios which specialize in this. I'm not talking about lesbian pornography - but about movies with more dialogue, more of a storyline, etc. Maybe Dan & Jenn can recommend some of this. And perhaps you would find this more interesting.

You could even masturbate him while watching it together. And vice versa. This might be a way to come/cum together on this issue.

But he isn't going to stop being interested in pornography. And you're only making yourself and him unhappy.

[Dan And Jennifer]

One of the hardest lessons we learn in life is respecting, appreciating, and truly valuing ourselves.

It's tempting to want to control others, i.e. to take away his porn and make those other fantasy women disappear, but that's actually deflecting from the real issue.

Sure an unhealthy addiction, like perhaps if he's addicted to masturbation and does it 3 times a day, or if he's addicted to porn and that's all he wants to watch, that's damaging to a relationship.

But driving his porn watching "underground" is probably detrimental to your relationship and to your own personal wellbeing since you're trying to control someone other than yourself - and that's simply not possible.

Try to address the real issue that you feel: why do you feel inferior, unvalued when you see those magazines or videos? It's important to realize that you're the woman in his life, not those fantasy women.

Compare this for example to another situation: there are many, many couples that have extremely happy relationships and amazing sex lives even though (and sometimes in part due to) the fact that they have sex with other singles and couples, i.e. "threesomes" or swinging - together.

Those couples have resolved the jealousy issue and are usually much, much happier together (and individually) than those couples who try to control one another.

So the question for you to truly ponder and meditate on... what is it about seeing those those women that makes you feel threatened, if anything?

Dan

[rucus777]

I appreciate the feedback but I feel as though you are focusing on the wrong thing which is that I feel like that because of the "porn". I did watch porn prior to this relationship until I realized that the problem with our sex life was the excessive masterbation from the porn. It took over a year to fix this in our relationship and I am afraid when I find porn in our home the problem will arise again. I had no problem with porn until it affected my ability to give this man an orgasm!

[Dan And Jennifer]

I feel your frustration, as you resolved a major problem in your relationship and you're afraid it'll resurface.

My answer had more to do with the last point in your post:

It makes me feel worthless and undesireable as well as hurt and unloved...please help me! My self esteem is being affected as is our relationship.

Unless his "porn habit" or "masturbation habit" is actually reverting to where it was before, there's no way to police ANY signs of porn. We actually have several videos on porn as well as addiction to porn and masturbation - and addictions that impact your life and relationships are certainly bad.

But at this point now you're living out of fear of something that happened in the past and letting that control you. Allowing the incidental sighting of some porn control and negatively affect you and trying to enforce a complete crackdown zero-policy stand on porn gets into ultimatums and that is really a bad idea.

So ask yourself if the problem here is porn really taking a strong hold again - or has your hatred for it grown to a point where that is ironically what is now affecting your relationship.

I know that's not the angle you were hoping I'd take here, but meditate / pray / ponder / whatever on it instead of answering and see what you come up with. The hardest thing we can do is look inside ourselves to find a fault with us.

And it's not a fault - there is no right and wrong in absolute terms, just a situation to accept or change.

Check out these videos on the different aspects of what I've mentioned above, they should help...

I Like Watching Porn... What's The Big Deal?

Does Masturbation Really Cause Blindness?

Why Is Masturbation So Taboo?

And perhaps most importantly, this one:

Do You Know The #1 Secret To A Truly Happy Relationship?