Bringing up the issue.

[Beagle]

Hi. I posted earlier about beginning casual dating in my 40's, without implying I was looking for a committed relationship. I have taken the advice I received and meeting people and interacting has been going well. I have had several situations in my social circles where I thought women were interested, but I seemed to let the window pass without knowing how to bring up the subject of taking it further. I've gotten the feedback that I'm something of a gentleman, and I suspect fear of offending someone is what has stopped me from "pulling the trigger." I have nudged the subject with a couple of women in my social circle, and the body language was there, but I didn't know how to take it to the next step and suggest an actual romantic/sexual encounter without being offensive. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to bring up the subject of romantic/sexual activity in an honest and honorable way, without being offensive.

Thank you for all the help.

[Melody Brooke]

Beagle,
If you sense a woman is interested in you, and you don't ask her out, you are rejecting her. If what you are afraid of is your own rejection you are not thinking abou how this is for her. I am certain you are not looking at it that way, but I assure you she is! Unless you are planning on jumping her bones immediately, what is there for her to be offended by??

Its flattering to have someone ask you out. Flatter her!

Have empathy for her, focus on her, not on what you are feeling. Help her to feel comfortable by assuring her that she is interesting to you. When you ask her out you are not taking anything from her, you are GIVING to her.

Asking her out is not asking for sex. It is, after a certain age, certainly after 30 something we expect to eventually come from a romantic involvement. Its implied... but doesn't have to be addressed for a while. Just flatter her by asking her out. Stop focusing on yourself. That should help!

[Alexstrandberg]

Hey Beagle,

Agreed with Melody. You fear rejection but you reject yourself from the situation completely by not going for it. Two options: you go for it and have a chance of something happening or not go for it an have a 100% guarantee of nothing happening. If you take a chance the worst thing that happens is you stay exactly where you are. You don't gain anything but you don't lose anything either.

You need to get that "gentleman" programming that you learned from your mother out of your head, it doesn't serve you well. "I don't want to offend" asking a woman out is not offensive. Having sex is not offensive. An orgasm is not the worst thing in the world you could give a woman.

You seem to have the qualities of a "nice" guy. Click on the link to read the article I wrote on the subject of being a nice guy.

[Beagle]

Originally Posted by Melody Brooke

Beagle,


Its flattering to have someone ask you out. Flatter her!

When you ask her out you are not taking anything from her, you are GIVING to her.

Melody: Somehow, I didn't get a hit-back to know you had posted this. These two statements hit right into the heart of it. The statement about asking her out being flattering was something I hadn't considered, and that really resonates with me. Thank you for the viewpoint.

[Beagle]

Alex: I read your article. Nice writing, by the way. It hit just a little too close to home for comfort. I'm saved it to read further. Thank you for the thoughtful reply.

Twenty years ago, I would have said it described me exactly. I largely worked through that with the methods I've recommended to the other people. Go for it kind of got me into my last mess. I think I have to admit I'm kind of gunshy.

When I started college, I was a total dork. Lunch alone every day, no dates, etc. Then, I discovered the books I've been recommending and really came out of my shell and over the course of a year, became a very successful person with girls and friends in general. One problem now is the scarcity of potential partners. In college, 60% of the people I saw every day were female and 80% of those were single. Now, it's a lot harder just meeting people that aren't either bitter or wanting instant husband. Basically, I had things figured out for one stage of my life, and now I'm trying to grow into a whole new set of challenges.

I do think there is a lot of truth to what you say, though. Especially about the need to be liked and to avoid setting boundaries to keep from upsetting people. That really rings right with me. Thank you.

[FemaleOrgasm]

Logic kills romance. Just take the woman by the hand and say "Come with me. Do you like tea or coffee?" These women are experienced and know exactly what they want. They want you to take the lead.

Stop seeking approval. That doesn't mean be jerk. You know you are honourable and have good character so stop worrying about being offensive. There is nothing dishonourable about being a sexual man. Hiding your sexuality is dishonest and unattractive to women. Stop doing that.