She Cheated Now what?

[spaniard]

My friend, I've gone through nearly the same experience. Married 10 yrs, had the picture perfect life, then my wife ends up starting a "close friendship" with a mutual friend of ours. Exact same behavior, she wants more alone time to go out with friends, she doesn't want me around to things we normally did together, she didn't care if I slept with other women (which I had ZERO desire to do), she was Myspacing this guy and searching for him "just to check up", they were "just talking" and being friends, she deserved to have whatever friends she wanted, etc. I required that they never speak, which she complied with for a couple months, but just went right back to him after. Seeing your words below made me relive the emotions I felt back then, and it was identical to you. It's truly a nightmare to live through.

What she is doing with this other man is connecting. She is sharing hopes, dreams, problems, laughing...all things she should be doing with you. You are 100% right to believe that a married woman with 4 children should not be going out to bars alone, and suddenly having boy friends. Unfortunately, it sounds like she has checked out mentally, and emotionally from your relationship. You can read as many books as you want to, and I do recommend you do, but it takes both sides working and wanting the relationship to succeed. The more you push to influence her, the more she is going to back away.

When my wife was doing this I did confront her about it, but she always claimed it was nothing and that I was over reacting. I knew in my heart I was right, and had I to do it over again the only thing I would have changed is this: I would have sat her down and explained that I knew what was going on, or what was about to happen. And that if she continued her behavior that I was going to move out. I would have rather been in control than at her mercy, which was the position I had put myself in. That's just what I would have done, your situation is unique to you so that's not necessarily a recommendation.

I truly hope you can work it out. I'm a huge believer in marriage and family, and it breaks my heart to see any family torn apart by this reprehensible behavior. But having lived through it myself, I would start to put a lot of thought into what you're going to do in the event this marriage fails.

Fortunately, while I would have never desired a divorce, life after marriage has been awesome. I too was terrified initially, but if you treat it as an opportunity rather than a set back, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

HTH...

[Redrains]

Everything you discribed happened to me to, all about the friends, her getting mad at me and saying I'm over reacting, all of it.

Things have changed though, I set out to watch the Movie "Fireproof" that just recently came out based on a book called "The Love Dare" I set out to follow this book, and its WORKING, she has turned down friends a couple of times to stay at home and watch a movie or play with the kids instead. I'm on day 23 now, if you have another relationship and you wish to "fix it" I would recommend this to ANYONE, if you take the dare, you will be surprised what a difference it will make in not only your marriage but in your life as a whole. I'm feeling so much better and so much happier just from starting that, and setting my mind to do it. It's a dare from the ones that have done it before. She is acctually starting to see things in me, and wondering what in the world happened, she has also told me that she's a bit happier now as well, she hasn't told me she loves me again yet, but she's not talking to anyone on myspace anymore, thats a blessing. I can not stress enough how much this combination of things can make in someone's life, its unreal! I wouldn't stop now if you paid me, I'm seeing her more and more each day, we talk, we are having more good days then bad ones. One of the things it says in the movie is the gentleman talking to a friend leans over and points at a treadmill and says, "See that treadmill over there? It's not broken, but if you don't know how to use it, It isn't going to work for you." Thats the same in marriage if you don't know what to do, it isn't going to work for you, so you have to figure it out. This let's you know, I'm so excited!

[pinkapple]

Hi Redrains,

As I was reading through, I can't help but feel terrible for you and get mad at your wife. I'm sorry to say this but she clearly has no respect for you and she's not worth fighting for. I know that you want to save your marriage and preserve your family ties but it would be utterly agonizing to go on with what she puts you through. In all honesty, let her go, give yourself a break and move on. You deserve to emancipate yourself from the affliction that she's putting you through and pursue your own happiness.

[Redrains]

She's sabotageing everything, i made a romantic candle light diner for 2, i even rented a tux, and she came home and just said how stupid i was and how she can't believe how mushy and crap i am. I haven't been alone in 10 yrs, i don't know what to do if that happens

[Beagle]

You're right. If she's acting that way, it's over. When women have decided they want out of a relationship, they start finding fault with what you do to justify their choice. A reason is what you have before you've made a decision; an excuse is what you come up with after you've made a decision.

As far as rebuilding your life, I've done it and Spaniard has done it. You can do it too. We don't have anything you don't have. It starts out like your life has fallen apart, which it has. you gradually build other interests. I joined a gym, began volunteering, resumed hiking, took a class in whitewater, and joined this forum (those happened over two years.) Believe it or not, life does go on. I think you're just prolonging the inevitable and hurting yourself further at this point.

[Redrains]

So you guys think I should just file against her and get it over with? I have 4 children I don't want to lose them, and its not fair to them that there mother went pyco and started acting like she's 12. They need someone with stability, that doesn't think there 15 again.

[Beagle]

From your post of 2-21; I think it's already over. This is a conversation you and she need to have.

I have one suggestion for you. Get a mediator. Someone to just help you and she talk through this and decide what you want to do. Often, people use the sessions to tell the other that they want a divorce. At least, one way or the other, it'll be over.

What you want is to avoid a court battle over custody. Those costs tens of thousands of dollars and drag both people through the mud. Mediation leads to a mutually satisfactory arrangement about 50% of the time. That's a good investment. If you tell her you're going for "marriage counseling" she'll say no because it sounds like she's already made her mind up. Mediation is basically negotiating how you're going to do things.

Yes, I think it's over, at least as a marriage. You're basically roommates now.